I posed some questions in my previous blog.
http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/2009/03/structure-versus-system.html
Do my questions matter?
To me they do.
I'm going to ramble here dancing between and overlapping the questions previously posed.
When a person exits a group/organization that exhibits totalistic qualities where obvious abuses took place, one can come to see (eventually) these qualities. But what if one leaves a group that isn't considered totalistic or abusive? What if that person leaves that group because her underlying belief system is crumbling not due to abuses, but due to consideration and thought and allowing oneself to become open to more ideas? Yet, why didn't the person allow that openness while in the group? Is there a type of mental enslavement that accompanied the teachings/doctrine of the (supposedly) benign group?
In one sense it may be more traumatic when a person decides to deconvert from a belief system than when deserting a toxic group. From a toxic group, there are usually obvious emotional/mental/physical wounds and scars. Yet, from leaving a supposedly benign group, there may be no visible or obvious scars. One may think that she shouldn't have "symptoms."
I think of it as similar to neglect. A child who is ignored suffers a type of abuse. The child isn't hollered at, beaten, or shown affection. She is simply ignored. There are no visible scars to show for the abuse; no vivid harsh memories...just a nothingness. Yet, there is deep pain and a constant endeavoring to fill the void.
At the same time, when leaving a supposedly benign organization or structure (even if the structure is loosely held together) there probably was kindness given; there may have been rich and fulfilling experiences. Yet the departee no longer subscribes to the underlying beliefs which may have been the person's very foundation of life. Such a departure and realization can be shattering, even traumatic.
I don't think one can or should compare traumatic events. Trauma simply is; the impact is..... traumatic. Peoples' responses to trauma may vary; yet an individual's response is to be honored, not minimized. At the same time, one learns neither to magnify. How else to do that but by comparison with life's many events? It is a paradox and sometimes takes a pair o' docs to work through the process.
I may return to edit this, when I have more insight and am better able to articulate what it is I am endeavoring to understand.
March 29, 2009
March 26, 2009
Leaving Belief Structures and Systems
I've been thinking for the past weeks about the difference between exiting from a belief structure versus exiting from a belief system. Or put another way exiting from an organization versus changing one's personal religious/spiritual beliefs.
Personally this relates to me in: 1) my decision to break ties with an organization, what many label a 'cult,' and 2) later veering from a belief in the Bible as the Word of God. For me, these are two distinct experiences. Yet, each of these paths has had an effect of undermining some of the major foundations I had chosen for my life. Each has been an upheaval.
What are the similarities? What are the differences? How do these distinct choices influence an individual? Does one have more impact than the other? Do my questions even matter?
Personally this relates to me in: 1) my decision to break ties with an organization, what many label a 'cult,' and 2) later veering from a belief in the Bible as the Word of God. For me, these are two distinct experiences. Yet, each of these paths has had an effect of undermining some of the major foundations I had chosen for my life. Each has been an upheaval.
What are the similarities? What are the differences? How do these distinct choices influence an individual? Does one have more impact than the other? Do my questions even matter?
Each question might deserve its own blog post.
March 25, 2009
A Bit About Me, I
Related post: A Bit About Me, II
***
Me? I am a middle-aged wife (of one husband) who has been a home/eclectic/un-schooling mother of two (now) young-adult children. I am in process of rediscovering my soul after decades of involvement with a bible-based fundamentalist-type organization that many consider a "cult." I got involved with The Way International in early fall, 1977, and exited in early fall, 2005.
During my 4th year of involvement with the organization, at age 22, I became physically ill with an over-responsive immune system resulting in asthma, severe hives, body aches, chronic fatigue, multiple sinus surgeries, and more. At age 41, my 23rd year of involvement, I was diagnosed with bipolar II which later has been questioned, thinking that my symptoms better matched C-PTSD. I am still challenged with certain symptoms but am (I estimate) 90%(?) better.
On this journey toward wellness I've discovered, among other things, the profound effects emotions have on my physical wellness, not to mention their effects on emotional and mental health. You can read more of my story at these two links: regarding my road to wellness and regarding the spiritual journey.
I thus currently have a deep interest in thought reform, social and group structures, psychology, education, health, communication, and spirituality.
I'm sure some of my interests will evolve, adapt, and change as I grow. This has been the case over the years and I hope continues to be so. Life is full of passions to discover and live.
One of my current themes or 'mantras' is: There are no non-persons; there are no non-events.
To Life!!
~carol
***
Me? I am a middle-aged wife (of one husband) who has been a home/eclectic/un-schooling mother of two (now) young-adult children. I am in process of rediscovering my soul after decades of involvement with a bible-based fundamentalist-type organization that many consider a "cult." I got involved with The Way International in early fall, 1977, and exited in early fall, 2005.
During my 4th year of involvement with the organization, at age 22, I became physically ill with an over-responsive immune system resulting in asthma, severe hives, body aches, chronic fatigue, multiple sinus surgeries, and more. At age 41, my 23rd year of involvement, I was diagnosed with bipolar II which later has been questioned, thinking that my symptoms better matched C-PTSD. I am still challenged with certain symptoms but am (I estimate) 90%(?) better.
On this journey toward wellness I've discovered, among other things, the profound effects emotions have on my physical wellness, not to mention their effects on emotional and mental health. You can read more of my story at these two links: regarding my road to wellness and regarding the spiritual journey.
I thus currently have a deep interest in thought reform, social and group structures, psychology, education, health, communication, and spirituality.
I'm sure some of my interests will evolve, adapt, and change as I grow. This has been the case over the years and I hope continues to be so. Life is full of passions to discover and live.
One of my current themes or 'mantras' is: There are no non-persons; there are no non-events.
To Life!!
~carol
About This Blog, I
Addendum, September, 2010: The entries on toss & ripple continue to be about the life of an ex-cult devotee, past and present, though sometimes it may appear that a blog entry has nothing to do with 'cultic life or influence.' And that may be so; life isn't separate from its breath. Yet, I've learned (and continue to learn) that the dependent mindset that can become so ingrained in one's core from decades of conformity, is not easily adapted into healthy interdependence and autonomy. And it isn't so much the triggers that are problematic, but the more subtle core beliefs that pump quietly through the veins and arteries, and suddenly one finds herself back in a maze that she thought she knew how to traverse.
****
For an ex-cult devotee, my story isn't spectacular; it's ordinary.
As this blog is developing (with my own evolvement) it has taken the path of writing about and researching the part of my life some people have suggested/advised that I 'move on' from or 'replace'. That is my 28-year involvement with The Way International and even more years as a 'true believer.'
I'm coming to see that I can't move on from or replace that. It is as intricate to my life as my breath; dare I say, as childbirth. The Way and my experiences course through my veins. If I bleed out, I die. If I deny it, I suffocate.
So, I write for myself to embrace that part of life and to honor it. I want to see the experiences for what they were and are.
Perhaps in the process of sharing these thoughts & memoirs others can have a peek into the mindset of a cult follower/true believer: before, during, after, and rediscovering.
Perhaps I can be a voice, however small and unheard, for those who continued with The Way for decades or may still be a follower in The Way, yet who feel an alienation from themselves.
Perhaps I can be a voice for people who are in other groups similar to The Way.
Or for folks who experience re-abuse within an anti-cult 'support' group. That seems to occur to quite a few ex-followers; they go somewhere for support and discover a similar black/white mindset.
One person's words or deeds that may seem so insignificant and small can have a profound effect when tossed upon the fluid landscape of consciousness and culture.
I believe each person's life is significant and that us humans behave the way we do for reasons, sometimes unknown even to ourselves.
There are no non-persons; there are no non-events.
Thanks for visiting!
Eventually by Carole King: Eventually lyrics
****
note: I wanted to name this blog Piper's Ponderings based on my poetry pen name, but Piper's Ponderings was taken. So I decided upon toss & ripple, based on a poem I wrote and because I believe in the ripple effect.
****
Related link:
About this blog II
****
For an ex-cult devotee, my story isn't spectacular; it's ordinary.
As this blog is developing (with my own evolvement) it has taken the path of writing about and researching the part of my life some people have suggested/advised that I 'move on' from or 'replace'. That is my 28-year involvement with The Way International and even more years as a 'true believer.'
I'm coming to see that I can't move on from or replace that. It is as intricate to my life as my breath; dare I say, as childbirth. The Way and my experiences course through my veins. If I bleed out, I die. If I deny it, I suffocate.
So, I write for myself to embrace that part of life and to honor it. I want to see the experiences for what they were and are.
Perhaps in the process of sharing these thoughts & memoirs others can have a peek into the mindset of a cult follower/true believer: before, during, after, and rediscovering.
Perhaps I can be a voice, however small and unheard, for those who continued with The Way for decades or may still be a follower in The Way, yet who feel an alienation from themselves.
Perhaps I can be a voice for people who are in other groups similar to The Way.
Or for folks who experience re-abuse within an anti-cult 'support' group. That seems to occur to quite a few ex-followers; they go somewhere for support and discover a similar black/white mindset.
One person's words or deeds that may seem so insignificant and small can have a profound effect when tossed upon the fluid landscape of consciousness and culture.
I believe each person's life is significant and that us humans behave the way we do for reasons, sometimes unknown even to ourselves.
There are no non-persons; there are no non-events.
Thanks for visiting!
Eventually by Carole King: Eventually lyrics
****
note: I wanted to name this blog Piper's Ponderings based on my poetry pen name, but Piper's Ponderings was taken. So I decided upon toss & ripple, based on a poem I wrote and because I believe in the ripple effect.
****
Related link:
About this blog II