"Where is the love?"

Initially posted as Entry 16.

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Diane was my best friend in The Way.  Now we were in business together. We were both independent distributors with Reliv International, a multi-level marketing (MLM) nutrition and food-science company.  I had sponsored Diane into the business. I was doing o.k. with it.  I wasn't getting rich but was making some money and helping people with their health, something I was passionate about.

July, 2005. Diane and I attended the Reliv International Conference in St. Louis, Missouri.  We drove to St. Louis from North Carolina with three other Reliv distributors. The drive out and back were a blast. All of us, middle-aged women, loved to laugh and goof. Possum Junction, Indiana, was one of our guffaw stops at a little hole-in-the-wall gas station and sandwich shop where one could buy an "I ate at the Road Kill Cafe" tee shirt.

At one point on the drive to St. Louis I got into a wee-morning-hour conversation with the other three distributors, all of whom were Christians and trinitarians. The ladies and I discussed in depth the doctrine of the trinity. I, of course, was a committed non-trinitarian. That said, I no longer 'argued' the point. I had given up arguing scripture some years back; arguing was seldom fruitful.

Diane was asleep in the back seat of the van. I was wishing she'd wake up to help me out with the trinitarian versus non-trinitarian discourse. At the end of the hour-plus dialog Debbie, one of the ladies, stated to me, "What you've shared is so logical that thou almost persuadest me; but I can't give up what I've been taught as the truth, what I've known and experienced."

I felt proud that I'd represented God and His Son accurately. I gave myself a silent "'atta girl" pat on the back.

I felt what I had felt at other times. Thought what I had thought at other times. At other times when I'd witnessed the greatness of the Word to "unbelieving believers." Debbie chose her tradition over the truth, over what was logical. People are entrapped in religion, in churches, in illogic. Tradition over truth; religion does that. Fear binds. People are afraid to look beyond the boundaries.

"Unbelieving believers." That's what The Way called Christians who didn't believe the accuracy of the Word, Christians outside the Household of The Way.

I was no foreigner to multi-level marketing.  In the past I'd been an Amway distributor and a Cell Tech distributor.  Amway was o.k., except for certain aspects of the Britt Organization like when I was told the real reason to get people to a Britt/Miller Amway Conference was to get them to the Sunday morning service and get them saved. I didn't even attend the Sunday services.  When I was first introduced to the concept of MLM and to Amway, I thought Amway was to business what The Way was to Christianity; ie: The Way taught the true Christianity and Amway taught the true way for business to operate.  At some point I fizzled out on Amway.

Within a few years of fizzling on Amway, a Way Corps grad introduced me to Cell Tech, a company that distributes blue-green algae as a nutritional supplement. If a Way Corps grad endorsed it, it must be good. I was continuing to have chronic and serious health problems; so I gave it a try.  It helped for about 1-1/2 years; then it quit working.  I couldn't figure out if my body had developed a sensitivity to it, which my body was known to do, or if I had responded with a placebo effect and that effect had worn off. Eventually, I fizzled out on Cell Tech. I'd wonder if the same would happen with Reliv: at some point would the wellness benefits quit working; would I tire of it and fizzle out?

It was in summer, 2004, that I was first introduced to Reliv.  I experienced significant health results with the products. I liked the people and liked the company. I jumped on board as a distributor.

I was successful at reaching my business goals but had trouble buying into what was called "the Reliv way" or "the Reliv system."

"The Reliv system" was the way to build the business, the duplication process. To do that, I felt I'd be committing idolatry. I couldn't go all the way with "the business" and keep God and the Ministry first in my life. Nothing was to come before the rightly-divided Word or being especially good to the Household.

But by "sharing the Reliv opportunity" with Way believers, wasn't that being especially good to the Household? Some distributors viewed their Reliv business as a ministry in itself, helping people with health and finances. Couldn't I do that too? I'd try to convince myself.

From time to time Diane would bring up how she and I and our husbands would make money and travel the world together. I'd outwardly agree, but in my heart, I really didn't care about traveling or making it big in Reliv. Something didn't feel right, going all out with Reliv.

Why were things "all or nothing?"

Plus I felt Reliv products wouldn't help everyone; people's bodies might not respond favorably to the products. Reliv distributors were taught that the products always helped everyone. If someone's body reacted unfavorably to taking the products, the response was most likely a detox effect. O.K. I could mostly buy that. I'd been through plenty of detox programs myself and understood that aspect of the healing process. But Reliv wasn't the only way to wellness; that, I couldn't buy. I don't recall anyone ever stating that, that Reliv was "the only way" to wellness and financial freedom. But I felt it; perhaps I read into the message.

At the International Conference I spent time with some of the top producers in Reliv.  One of those was in my upline.  She asked me at a dinner, "So Carol, are you ready to go all the way with 'the system?'" I responded, "I might be getting there, but not yet, not all the way."

The conference was a blast. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, especially the final night with the banquet and dancing.  I danced my heart out. Diane loved to dance too; we were all over the dance floor.

And the people. The people.  The Reliv people were awesome.  They didn't doll up in bling and flash like I'd seen in Amway, but rather were down to earth and wonderful conversationalists.  There were people from various cultures mingling and enjoying good conversation and food, sharing stories and lives, phone numbers and hugs. One-on-one, people were relating, connecting.

It reminded me of how The Way used to be.  It reminded me of the gatherings The Way used to have at The Rock of Ages.  Craig Martindale had axed The Rock in the mid-90s. I missed those days. Since then, there had been no international Way gatherings except for Way Advanced Class Specials and some Way Word in Business Conferences.  But nothing for "regular believers."

"Regular believers." That's what Way leadership and faithfuls often called Way followers who were not at least Way Advanced Class graduates.

As I walked back to my hotel room from the final night of The Reliv Conference, from the dance and the celebration, my heart hurt. I missed relationships. What had happened to The Ministry?  Why was this gathering more fulfilling to me than a Way Advanced Class Conference?  What was wrong with The Way?  Or was it just me? Again, the same questions badgered me. Again, I felt the hole in my soul.

Once back at the hotel room, Diane was there.  Due to the way we had shared hotel rooms to save on expenses, Diane and I shared a queen size bed.  We lay down and talked about the conference, the people we'd met, the laughter, the tears.

Tears.  Diane looked at me, her eyes wet with tears. "Tonight reminded me of the old Rock of Ages." Diane had been in The Way since the early to mid-seventies.

I felt a lump in my throat. Though Diane was my best friend in The Way, I had not told her what I'd been reading online.

I again tucked all that away.

"Me too," I replied through the lump.

"What's happened to The Ministry Carol?  What is missing?  Something is missing."

My gut churned. I wasn't sure of the answer.  "I have the same questions Diane."  I ached.  "I think the love of God is lacking.  I think somehow The Ministry lost the love of God."

We talked a bit. But still I didn't reveal the things I'd read online. I wasn't sure of anything; I wasn't ready to share.  We consoled ourselves that we'd continue to stand with The Ministry, to put the love of God into our lives, that it was God's Household, that it had gone through growth pains and was rebounding.

Yes, I resolved to myself.  The Household is still the best thing around; it is the functioning Body of Christ.  I will stay faithful, won't I?

I loved Diane.  She had helped me through one of my scary depressive and anxiety bouts back in 2002.  During that time, she had called me every day for a few weeks until my medication kicked in. She'd talked me through steps. "Carol, are you dressed?"  If I wasn't she'd help me get dressed, talking me through it on the phone.  Once dressed, "Carol, go to the kitchen. Get out a bowl. Put salad in it.  Put the dressing on it.  Put the fork to your mouth."  All without judgement toward me.  At one time, she had been where I was at that point; she reached out to me with compassion.  She too occasionally had bouts, and I would help her during those times.

Three months later, after that July, 2005, St. Louis Reliv Conference, Diane would be the first person with whom, outside my family and The Way Region Leaders, I would reveal that I had left the Household of The Way.

"Where is the love?" The song again ran through my mind while a fell asleep on the hotel bed in St. Louis. The same song that had run through my mind some 21 years previously when I had been on staff at The Way Headquarters.

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Click here to read an introduction to memoir: Journey through Memoir: Introduction

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