Storms

I've been dealing with a situation for a few months now. By "dealing with" I mainly refer to regulating my internal responses. In regard to the situation, I no longer have anxiety and depression every day. I wrestled with one or both of those up until mid-November. I was doing pretty well after that. Then some circumstances surrounding the 'situation' came up. I found myself infuriated which then led into self-loathing.

That storm passed and the sky cleared. I have done much better the past 4+ days. At least until the next storm. I am not naive to think there won't be a few more upheavals and triggers surrounding the situation, though that would be nice and isn't impossible.

I wrote the following in my journal tonight. I've adapted the journal entry for public eyes, leaving out certain information.

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I'm doing extremely better in regard to [situation]. I'm not sure exactly what has helped with the transformation the past 4+ days. And it has only been 4+ days, not enough time really to know if the "better" is actually more stable or simply a-passing through. Regardless, I'm glad for the 4+ days.

What are some factors that I think helped:
~allowing myself to feel the rage
~being aware and noticing the self-loathing
~allowing myself to feel the grief
~writing about "it"
~being able to share what I wrote
~identifying the trigger factors
~regulating the distorted thoughts
~centering my heart focus
~discussing what happened and my responses with Dr. McColloch & getting his perspective

In light of the above, I need to recall those factors. Most likely, there will be more triggers to come. I may again feel vindictiveness(v). I may feel the rage(r). It's understandable I would feel those emotions in this situation.

I do not have to allow those emotional responses to lead to self-loathing. I can feel the v & r w/out turning on myself and berating myself. For the v & r I can do what I did this time...to write and to heart soak. If I start to plummet into self-loathing...regulate, write, and perhaps "personify" the loathe...or at least check in with the personas I have already named. I could also personify the rage, if I feel the need to.

After getting through the storm, by Thursday, I really had no desire to [...]. I want to be able to forgive, to recall the good. At the same time, I don't want to excuse the harm. [...]

Goals for me in regard to the situation:

• speak my truth
• uphold my integrity
• not succumb to silencing myself
• be an advocate for me
• be truthful
• be open to possible various outcomes

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