In Part III of my spiritual journey narrative I state: "I am confused at times in regard to my godly experiences in The Way compared with the abuses and abuse allegations. These present a dichotomy which, at times, is difficult for me to reconcile."
I have previously thought the dichotomy can (at least partly) be explained by life itself; life is filled with yin and yang, black and white, all colors in between. Shit happens. Blessings happen.
I still think that.
Then, it recently finally dawned on me that another plausible explanation for the dichotomy that baffled me since leaving The Way, the dichotomy between the cruelty exacted by top leadership in The Way and my what-seemed-genuinely-caring experiences with those same leaders, that a plausible explanation may be...psychopathy/sociopathy/narcissism/anti-social personality disorder. (Well duh.)
I "knew" this head wise...but not heart wise.
In the past almost year and a half, and especially since this past August and September, I have been baffled beyond belief by the actions and words of my ex-mental health therapist. In trying to understand his behavior and rhetoric and endeavoring mainly to understand my experience with him and how to integrate that into my life's lessons, as my manner is, I began reading more about the above intertwined terms: psychopathy/sociopathy/narcissism/anti-social personality disorder.
I am not a mental health professional; I cannot professionally diagnose. I seldom engage in final pronouncements or judgments on a person's character.
Yet, I can read, examine, think. I can identify anti-social traits and the persona of possible psychopathy. Does that mean the said person is a psychopath or has a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder? No. Is anti-social personality disorder even a legitimate disorder, even if it is listed in the DSM and ICD? I don't know. But in my experience and observation, the traits are legitimate.
I can't deny what I've seen, experienced, and observed...and what others have experienced with the same individuals. Well, I could deny; but then, at that point, I wouldn't be true to myself.
According to various literature I've been reading and upon my continued examination of my experiences with people who exhibit anti-social traits, their lives are stark dichotomies. They "call black white, and white black." I think I finally have an understanding of that phraseology.
According to various literature I've been reading, psychopaths are unable to change.
Do I really believe that? At this point, no.
I want to believe in humanity. I want to give the benefit of the doubt.
That said, I am on no mission to engage with folks who exhibit anti-social traits nor do I care to change folks who exhibit such. It behooves me (and all of us), to learn about these patterns of behavior.
At the same time, it behooves us to continue to trust and to learn healthy trust. If something about an individual doesn't seem to line up, listen to our inner inklings. Question those inklings. Are they valid? If so (and even if they seem non-valid), do some study. If appropriate, ask questions of others. Utilize the internet for searches. Question what we read on those searches. Keep our ears open. Consider.
It's been almost 1-1/2 years since my ex-therapist's initial harmful actions and words. (Well, looking back there were red flags before then). I feel stronger, much stronger than before I ever even hired him. In a sense, his harmful actions have done me a service. I'm stronger and more educated.
I can trust myself again. In so doing, I can trust others in a more healthy manner than I think I've ever trusted before. That doesn't mean I have "more" trust, but rather appropriate trust.
2 comments:
Well, I just love this post. There's strength in it. :-)
When I first came out of the spiritually abusive situation we were in, I thought I'd die . . . literally. I could not wrap my head around what had happened. It made no sense at all. How can "holy spirit-filled" Christians be so evil, so rude. so cut-throat? It blew my circuits.
Years later, as I use to hang-out on spiritual abuse forums, I began to see that the abuse of the church fit with that of my dysfunctional home growing up. How easy it was to slip out of one and into another. But, what really surprised me is I began to admit that recognizing the spiritual abuse and getting out of it, set me on the path of discovery and learning about my past and with that came healing and recovery. So, I began to see the spiritual abuse as a positive thing in that it pushed me towards life and away from the bone-crushing death of the past. Yikes, that sounds dramatic.
About the black and white. My parents lived in this weird and actually damaging (for me) state of being. One would say, 'It's black and the other would say, It's white. Then the other would say, 'Yes it's white and the other would change and say, No, it's black.' Seriously. They are the same today. I've adjusted to it. When I confronted them about 5 years ago mom told me they weren't going to change . . . and guess what? They didn't.
I appreciate thinking of trust as appropriate trust. A mature trust. :-) Thank you for sharing this post.
Thank you Zoe.
Toasts to freedom....
xoxo
Post a Comment