Seeking Life Along The Way [Part 3]

~*~
1984 and onward: Loyalty ~ Exit ~ Aftermath ~ Life
~*~

Marriage, Children, Family

In September, 1984, almost one year after moving back home, I married my current husband who was involved with The Way on a local level and had been one of my spiritual partners when I was in The Way Corps. He provided a stable anchor for my life for which I am eternally grateful. (Way Corps trainees financed their training by soliciting funds. Contributors were called "spiritual partners.")

Our lives revolved around The Way as followers and as lay leaders running fellowships and classes in our home, raising our children whom we chose to home school, managing  the challenges of me living with chronic illness, and helping to care for my quadriplegic father. Our first child was born in 1988 after a very rough pregnancy due to asthma. Our second child was born in 1990. After the children were born and through our home schooling years, I earned part time income through in-home childcare and later through sales with a few different multi-level marketing companies. For a number of years I worked part time at a large science center and then as a preschool music instructor.

My husband and I did not regularly approach Way leadership for specific counsel on personal matters. Rather, for the most part, we made our personal decisions in private and informed leadership if we deemed it appropriate. One example of that decision process was our choice to home school. Most Way followers did not home school, and it was not encouraged. We did not counsel with leadership regarding that decision, but we did receive unsolicited suggestions from time to time. In that respect, and a few others, my husband and I veered from the typical Way-parenting path.

Beginning in the mid-1990s The Way had a no-debt policy for Home Fellowship Coordinators, for the Way Corps, for any believer serving in the Way Disciple outreach program which had replaced the WOW program, and for any follower who wanted to take The Way’s Advanced Class. In 1997, we sold our home on which we had a mortgage which was under $500 per month. Our first rental home was over $900 per month, but we were debt-free.

Between 1997 and 2003 we relocated our residence five different times in three different cities in North Carolina. It was exhausting. Two of the main reasons for our moves were to live geographically closer to believers in areas that were “spiritually hot” and to keep our rent payments reasonably low. My husband also had two different job changes during that time.

At our last move in 2003, after we had stepped down from running a Home Fellowship, we went against the no-debt policy and took out a mortgage. We did not counsel with leadership prior to our decision but did receive a personal visit from them afterward.

~*~

Micromanagement and the Hush

From the latter 1980s through the 1990s The Way became more and more controlling, step by step meddling deeper and deeper into followers' personal lives. This widespread progressive micromanagement - especially regarding time, commitment and obedience to the Ministry, personal finances, and shunning those who left - was due mainly to control tactics and doctrines gradually instigated during L. Craig Martindale's tenure as the second president of The Way, a position he held from 1982 until 2000.

Toward the latter part of 1999 micromanaging and verbal abuse in The Way were relaxed. Yes, the reigns were loosened. But the emotional, psychological, spiritual, verbal, and financial abuses were never adequately discussed or addressed. It was as if they never occurred. I'm not alone when I say there was an air of hush making these abuses taboo to discuss. We were to heed the exhortation of Philippians 3:13 in the Bible; that is, to "forget the past, declaring it null and void." For years after leaving The Way that hush bothered me, especially that I had allowed myself to succumb to the muzzle.

Within a few months of the loosened grip, Martindale resigned as President after his public admission to Way believers that he had been involved in a "consensual affair" and due to a legal suit regarding (in part) sexual harassment. (That suit was later settled out of court.) Within a year or so of Martindale's confession and dismissal, he quietly disappeared from The Way, out of sight to the faithful. Questions were discouraged which was standard when anyone departed - an uneasy silence with a pretense that nothing had happened and all was okay. (Click here to read a memoir piece about an incident depicting one way that The Way manipulated the hush regarding Martindale.)

From 2000 onward The Way became stagnant. I have described my last few years with The Way as "a flat tortilla shell with no substance."

~*~

Clergy Sexual Abuse: Rationalization and Scapegoating

Around 2004 my husband and I read online that the "affair" Martindale had confessed to followers in 2000 was not consensual nor an affair. It was clergy sexual abuse, and there were multiple sexual encounters with different followers. After I left in 2005 we learned that other top leaders had been aware of or involved with the abuse. We later learned that it had been rampant among the inner circle of top leaders. Yet, Martindale took the full brunt of the fall while some of those other top leaders stayed or rose in their positions. (Click here to read a memoir piece recording some of my thoughts and feelings when I first began to learn about the Way's dark underbelly.)

If followers heard of sexual allegations, we dismissed them as lies or rumors or innuendo directed by the adversary - that is the devil, the accuser of the brethren - and spread by people who were influenced by or possessed with devil spirits. Beginning in the late 1990s followers were charged to stay off any sites on the internet that were critical of The Way. Fear of becoming possessed or influenced by devil spirits was one controlling factor. We had been well indoctrinated regarding the spiritual battle and the devil-spirit realm; it had been Martindale's focal subject through the years of his presidency.

As of 2005, outside of Martindale's so-called "consensual affair," most loyal followers were unaware of, or chose to rationalize, the many illicit sexual allegations involving other top leaders including the founder, Victor Paul Wierwille, who died in 1985. My husband and I had previously heard of some alleged affairs, but not the many. And we greatly doubted the some. Until after I left, we were unaware of the number of abortions women in The Way had received.

As of 2006 Way believers I had spoken with blamed solely Martindale, once highly respected and loved by followers, for The Way's 1999/2000 upheaval which led to losing more followers. From my viewpoint, top Way leaders used Martindale's fall as an opportunity to save their own faces in the eyes of followers. Martindale was their scapegoat, though he was also guilty. (Link: Why Didn't We Know About Leaders' Sexual Advances?)

Since 2000 Way leadership appears to have kept itself clean in regard to sexual abuses.

~*~

Crossroads: To Stay or Leave

Between 1987 and 2000 there were four major crossroads when my husband and I were faced with the decision of whether or not to continue with The Way. At each crossroad we considered the possibility of an ex-Way splinter group, most of which continue with basic Way doctrine. Each time we concluded that "there is nothing better out there;" that is, outside "the Household of The Way." Due to our deeply held beliefs we were blind to any other alternatives. It never occurred to us that we could walk away from all Way-related structure and doctrine.

Some other determining factors were our deeply held belief that The Way was the “true Household of God” – to desert was to walk away from our heavenly father and from God’s true family; our belief that walking away would open up ourselves and our children to harm from “the adversary;” our decades-long investment of time, life, energy, and finances into The Way; and trust in our leadership – for most of our time in The Way we had served with what we considered kind, honest leaders.

Three of our crossroads coincided with three major Way exoduses when followers left in mass around 1987, 1989, and 2000. The other was in 1995. At each crossroad, we deliberated and then chose to follow our local leadership. Each time, we chose The Way. Each time, we had to make a choice of whom to trust. That’s really what it boiled down to. (Click here to access links about some of the splinter groups and about The Way's decline.)

The 1995 crossroad was our most difficult. Our local Corps leadership, a married couple who were 1st Family Corps and well respected in The Ministry and with whom we had served for over a decade, were made “mark-and-avoid.”

"Mark-and-avoid" was The Way's practice of shunning or excommunication, though The Way would never call it that. For The Way, the practice was a "consequence" for one's unbelief and disobedience. The phrase is condensed from Romans 16:17 in the King James Version of the Bible. Mark-and-avoid was a key factor in "keeping the Household pure," which was one of Martindale's obsessions. Oftentimes a believer was put on "probation" prior to the mark-and-avoid status. During probation the believer worked with their direct overseers to address the believer's offense(s), could not attend any Way functions, and was expected to tithe. Personal contact with Way believers outside their overseers was limited, if not prohibited. After probation, leadership ruled if the believer would be allowed back into the fold or be made mark-and-avoid.

In latter 1994, prior to their mark-and-avoid sentence a year later, the couple were put on probation. For the first ten months of their probation, my husband and I oversaw the local Fellowships. During those ten months, our state leaders, a married couple who were also early Way Corps grads and well respected by believers, became our direct overseers.

Throughout the ten months, one or both of our state leaders visited our home one to two times a month. We prayed together and ate together. Our state leaders were always kind and uplifting and left me feeling good about myself. My husband and I felt they were honest with us. We trusted them, though we never knew why our local leadership had been put on probation, other than it was something personal. Furthermore, in 1994 and 1995 due to depression and chronic illness, I saw the wife regularly for professional counseling. She had her master's degree in psychology. She was whom I called in 1994 when I went through a suicidal episode. Since she lived a two-hour drive away, she immediately contacted the wife of the local Corps couple, who were later put on probation, to physically come to my aid in that moment. (Click here to read about that episode.)

In latter 1995, after about a year from when their probation began, the local couple were designated "mark-and-avoid." When my husband and I received the news via a late night phone call, I felt a sense of gloom. It was like a dark, hazy cloud descended. Up until the couple were put on probation the previous year, they had shielded the Western Piedmont area of North Carolina from Martindale's most extreme dictates. The news via the phone call felt like a cancer had finally spread its tentacles into our once-shielded, happy Way bubble. The cancer had to be eradicated.

My husband and I had been in Fellowships with the couple for twelve years. We had shared many meals and prayer together. They officiated our marriage in 1984; it was the husband's first officiation after being ordained. They had provided child care multiple times for us and us for them, and they had helped with my chronic health issues. They had provided non-judgmental support when I AWOLed the Corps, and after Dad's wreck. The wife had come to my aid during my suicidal episode.

Our state leaders and our local (now marked-and-avoided) leaders had known each other for decades, since before The Way. They were best of friends. Mark-and-avoid ended their relationship. It ended ours too, with our local ex-leadership. We chose to follow the state leaders’ and our new local Corps leaders' choices of mark-and-avoid and to continue with The Way. By that time, we had been serving with the new local Corps for a couple months.

It was a complex predicament for my husband and me. We had a bond with our past local leadership, with the state leaders, and with our new local leadership. It was a heavy decision with mixed loyalties and emotions. It was a choice we later grew to regret. A choice which caused my heart to become crusty around the edges. (Click here to read a memoir piece that shares a bit about that time in our lives.)


~*~

Leaving The Way

In October, 2005, after twenty-eight years of loyalty I exited The Way. It was a tormenting decision riddled with internal chaos. In my mind by choosing to leave I would be playing the Judas role three times (the number three Biblically representing "complete") and breaking a salt covenant ("worthy of death" according to Old Testament standards) which I had taken in 1981 at a Way Advanced Class Advance.

Throughout the previous couple years my heart had become a vast, empty hole. I felt like a shell of a person. I wanted to feel whole again. Through those previous couple years one of the main reasons I had stayed with The Way was for my family and children. I was afraid that if I left we would become splintered because we wouldn't be like-minded on the Word. It was one of my biggest fears. And then when I finally left, it was for my children. The scales had tipped, and the potential benefits outweighed any possible risks.

An incident with my son earlier that October of 2005 is what really catalyzed my decision to leave. My then fifteen-year old son, his eyes damp with tears, said to me, "Mom, I feel empty inside." That was it. The vast void in my soul was not only affecting me, it was affecting my children. Or maybe my son was growing his own vast hole. At that point, I had to leave. Not to say that there weren't other reasons, but that incident was the deal breaker.

I already had a quasi-exit plan. For six months, since April, 2005, I had been seriously researching how to exit, in case the time would come. I didn't want to give up on the Word or become bitter. I just wanted to feel whole and connected again. I had to figure out whom I could trust; that's what it boiled down to. I left via one of the ex-Way splinter groups which was vital in helping me with my exit and later with my husband's. Though we only continued with the group for about one year, we will always be thankful for their help. (Click here to read a memoir piece about a letter I received in  in May, 2005, that was the linchpin in my exit strategy.)

My departure this time was not in AWOL fashion as I had attempted two times before in previous decades. Rather, while trembling, I informed our husband-and-wife Limb/Region Leaders via phone about my decision. My husband joined the conversation via a second phone extension in our house. I wanted a witness.

The leaders' responses were that perhaps I needed to be going to more functions and wasn't giving enough; that I should have counseled with Way leadership before making my decision; that if I had "sincerely prayed" and contemplated, I would have chosen to stay with The Way; that The Way had experienced some problems through the years not unlike the first-century church; that most followers who leave never return; and that I was welcome back at anytime. Rather than motivating me to stay, their statements served to further validate my decision.

Over the following eight months after I left in October, 2005, my husband and our children cut allegiances with The Way, each in their own time. Our then fifteen-year-old son drifted away within a couple months after my official exit. My husband officially left at the end of March, 2006. And our then eighteen-year-old daughter quit going to Fellowships around May, 2006. (Click here to read a letter my husband sent Rosalie Rivenbark, President of The Way at the time, shortly before his departure.)

~*~

Impact of Journaling

In hindsight, my exit in 2005 had begun at least seven years prior. In October, 1998, I began journaling, and I didn't stop. Since 1982 I had beaten my self up with shame and berated my self over being unable to believe God for healing of my chronic health issues. The Way taught a health-and-wealth gospel, though The Way would never call it that. (Click here to read about that doctrine helping to drive me to the brink of suicide.)

I was no longer able to stuff my inside turmoil into oblivion.  The only thing I knew to do was, to write and write and write. Darkness, emptiness, pain, grief, self-loathing. It poured onto the page, which led to writing about hopes and dreams. For seven years I wrote until, quite literally, I wrote my way out of The Way.

~*~

After The Way: Cult Activism and Therapist Abuse

Within a couple months after leaving The Way I got deeply involved for over a year with an ex-Way online forum which provided much needed support and connections. However, as months went by, I found myself in a web of unhealthy relationships with some of the key participants and, later, in a maze of suspicion with false or mistaken allegations toward others and myself. The experience got under my skin, and at times I was filled with rage over (what appeared to me at the time as) hypocrisy. I felt like I was witnessing aspects of The Way but on the other side. I later realized that the us-them mentality exists on a continuum in social groups. And I began to more clearly understand human nature and behavior, regardless of the group one may be involved with.

Despite my unpleasant experiences at the forum, I still think it provides good information for people seeking help in leaving The Way. And I would handle my circumstances and relationships differently now, in 2017, than I did when I was still fresh out of The Way.

In July, 2008, I hired a licensed mental health therapist who specialized in cult recovery. The main reason I hired him was because of what had happened at the ex-Way online forum. Two years later, in September, 2010, due to boundary violations (none were sexual), I filed an official complaint with the therapist's state licensing board. The state opened an investigation in December, 2010.

Filing that complaint was one of the hardest decisions of my life, and I had no idea the can of worms I had opened. Almost a year after I filed the complaint, the therapist tried to smear my character with vicious verbal assaults filled with false accusations in twelve different online rants and articles. A few months after that, I learned that I wasn't the only client he had harmed. (Click here to access an overview of events regarding my experience with the therapist.)

In certain respects the therapist abuse caused more extensive trauma than The Way. It was like the wounds from The Way developed from the top side of my soul as an erosion over time. Whereas the wounds from the therapist were thrust deeply from the underside with a steel dagger. A seeping wound from the top and a gaping wound from the bottom. At times it felt as if the wounds joined causing a chasm with two open ends, exposed and vulnerable to infection.

One of my friends, who also experienced therapist abuse (but not with the same therapist), calls it "sanctuary abuse." An apropos term in my opinion. Such abuse of power is not limited to only mental health therapists, but applies to any person in a trusted, authoritative position. It is a trauma that penetrates to one's very core.

Fortunately, my ex-therapist can no longer prey in the guise of a professional offering "healing for spiritual and cultic abuse." In January, 2014, his license was revoked. He was found guilty of professional misconduct along with negligence, incompetence on more than one occasion, and unprofessional conduct.

Not surprisingly, due to my experiences in the ex-cult and anti-cult and cult-recovery circles, I no longer participate in those type groups. My only involvement with cult-awareness involves a few contacts, sharing on my blogs, and a small amount of social media. (Click here for cult recovery and education resource links and book list.)

~*~

After The Way: Endeavoring to Understand

For years after leaving The Way, I struggled with the question, How could something I thought was so good turn out to be so evil? The good and evil dichotomy was difficult to wrap my mind around as I'd try to reconcile it.

I have since learned the good and evil can't be reconciled. That may seem obvious to most people. But it was a harsh reality for me to recognize and accept that certain top leaders whom I deeply trusted were concerned primarily with their own appearance, advancement, and power.

Yet, despite that reality, I had many good experiences in The Way filled with rich learning and "God moments." I received exposure to some excellent teachings and teachers. I developed relationships with some wonderful people, one of those still being my husband of over three decades. The good times and people were part of the reason my husband and I continued for as long as we did and part of the reason it was difficult to see and accept that the top leaders were abusive, power-hungry, hypocritical, and self-serving.

For the most part I don't begrudge any inappropriate counsel I received while in The Way. We, lay leaders and followers, were doing as we had been taught. That said, people are still responsible for their decisions and actions. I regret any harms I exacted and any ill counsel I doled out.

After The Way: Freedom to Choose and In Hindsight

Within seven months of leaving The Way, I got a job working as the manager of an art studio. That job was one of my best therapies as I communicated with artists of all stripes from all over the country. As of 2017 I still work as a studio assistant, but I stepped down from being the manager in 2012. In 2011 I established a pet-sitting business which has proven to be another therapeutic pathway.

By the end of 2009, my physical health had improved to the point that I was able to take up my teenage dream of long-distance hiking and backpacking. But, in 2011, that dream was indefinitely suspended when I developed widespread nerve damage bringing on losses I have deeply grieved and am still coming to terms with. As of 2017, managing the nerve damage is my biggest life challenge.

Since exiting I've cycled, and recycled, through a myriad of emotions including periods of bitterness and rage, a deep sense of overwhelming loss and grief and loneliness, identity issues, the feeling of being shattered, and feelings of shame and self-blame regarding certain personal decisions and my blindness to manipulations. There have been times when I've felt very lost. There have been times I've doubted my departure and have missed the camaraderie with Way believers; there are good people who still remain loyal to The Way.

On the flip side, I've discovered freedom to think for myself and to consider ideas outside Way doctrine. My relationship with my husband has been restored; we were on the brink of divorce our final years in The Way. Our family has grown closer, instead of farther apart. Our children, now adults, are able to pursue life without the constraints of Way practices and doctrine. Some personal friendships that were shunned from decades past due to The Way's "mark-and-avoid" practice have been renewed. I've probably received more answers to "prayer" since leaving The Way than during my whole twenty-eight years of loyalty. I've learned to reasonably trust my self again. Music and poetry, writing and art, nature and animals have become integral parts of my life. I continue to discover what my opinions are, my likes and dislikes, and how to express those. Over time, I began to experience a groundedness and quietness in my soul that perhaps comes with age. In hindsight, I felt stuck in adolescence while in The Way.

The events of my life as a Way believer and my responses since leaving The Way are not atypical from others who have been devotees of any cult-like movement. In discussing The Way with ex-members of other authoritarian groups and from reading accounts from various books and articles and comparing those with my and others' experiences in The Way, I've learned that The Way was not unique in its approach to group think, control tactics, and practices resulting in emotional, spiritual, and other abuses. Neither were the so-called high times and God moments unique to The Way. All are common factors, on a continuum, in various groups.

Way followers' experiences can differ (sometimes widely) depending on their local leadership, their depth of involvement, and the years they were involved. Cults are like an onion with outer and inner layers. The closer to the center, the firmer the grip. Cults also morph endeavoring to fit in with various aspects of culture and changing times in order to appear legitimate, to gain new followers, and to keep devotees loyal. The Way embodies those characteristics. (Click here for resource links and book lists about The Way.)

*~*

After The Way: Evolving Beliefs

As far as my evolving beliefs, when I left The Way in 2005 I visited a few churches, but nothing resonated. For about a year I was involved with an ex-Way splinter group which holds to basic Way doctrine. For a few years thereafter I leaned toward Christian Universalism. Throughout that time I read about various schools of thought regarding different beliefs, including atheism.

Eventually I began to see the Bible as other written works; that is, as historical literature instead of the "God-breathed Word." I had landed in the agnostic camp.

It took me until around 2010 to really accept that I no longer believed the scriptures to be infallible nor to be the inerrant Word of God. It took another five years to become comfortable with my agnosticism. For now, in 2017, I'm happy with that.

I'm happy that I can reasonably trust my self again, that I'm continuing to learn who I am and what I like, that I'm able to live without constantly battling shame and guilt, and that I'm becoming my own best friend.

But I'm most happy that my family remained intact after leaving The Way and that our children are not living under the constraints of Way doctrine and practices.

For the most part, life is good and certainly much larger than when I was a Way believer.

(Last revised June, 2018)

~*~

For any who read this narrative, thank you. I hope it gives a glimpse of a loyal cult devotee, an ex-cult recoveree, and a human who continues to explore and discover and grow, living life along the way...

~*~

Click Addendum to continue.

• Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 1
• Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 2
• Seeking Life Along The Way: Part 3
• Seeking Life Along The Way: Addendum