Journal entry: 2/22/17 thought dump

2/22/17, Wed. 11:41 AM at Starbucks on Oakland

So I thought I'd try to write something this morning to see if any creative juices are left. I was thinking last night, or yesterday, that in order to prime the pump, I need to...
just write.

For years when I journaled I wondered...
What will I do with this writing? Am I a narcissist because of all the time I spend writing? It seems a selfish act -- to journal and write so much. What will I ever do with all this writing? What is the profit?

Those were thoughts I had while in The Way. I wrote and wrote and wrote -- journaling my thoughts and doubts and confusion and pain which did lead to insights and to doors opening to solutions.

But it felt selfish. I'd feel guilty for writing.

I asked my psychologist at the time, "Am I a narcissist?"

He answered with a definite and emphatic, "No."

I countered, "But all this writing I do about myself and my inner life...and myself, isn't that narcissism?"

Again he replied, "No."

We then discussed narcissism and how it exists on a scale. All humans have some "narcissism;" without it we'd never survive as a species. There is so-called healthy narcissism...

~*~
Bleh...here I am again -- slipping into thinking about presentation as I write.

Carol, how can you get back to writing for yourself, not others?

At first I must write for myself. Then I can edit it for the view of others. But first draft -- just fall into the writing.

Remember how you used to love to write? You just wrote for the pure joy of writing.

Where has that gone and how can I get it back?

~*~
I am continually surprised how few people know about the endocannabinoid system.

~*~
What should I write? Try my pen at a poem?

I feel I offended you
I struggle with this often --

this feeling that I offend others

I want you to know that I care
But in trying to relay that

without directly telling you

I fumble and my words come

out to bluntly

Often I cannot retrieve from

my brain the proper words

I'd probably be better off to

say nothing

~*~
To think we own the land is preposterous. The land is on loan to us humans. It will eventually go back to itself. Skyscrapers congregated on an acre, all that heavy weight concentrated in one small area multiplied in big cities. A time will come when it will collapse. It's not a matter of if. It is a matter of when.

10 years?
20?
30?
100?

At some point the earth will say, "No more," unless we destroy ourselves first.

~*~

Surrealisms

Life has had an increasing surreal quality lately.

"Lately." How lately?

Probably beginning two weeks ago. On a scale of 1 to 10 on the surreal scale, the score was maybe 5(?) two weeks ago. I'd say it's increased to a full 10.

~*~

My response to my 1/23/17 lumbar epidural and cervical neck injections has been...really good.

I didn't have the yucky, uncomfortable side effects that I typically experience -- hot flashes, severe heartburn and bloating, copious saliva, slight edginess, insomnia, headaches, low back pain, shooting pains in right bicep and ankle.

I have had one side effect that I haven't previously experienced -- I've been ravenously hungry for about 12 days. Since I've been on steroids beginning in July, 2011, I haven't had the overhunger side effect that usually comes with steroids; in fact, I've had the opposite and have even lost weight.

This round I didn't feel toxic; that's the only way I know to describe it. It's like I'm balanced. I'm also sleeping well. It's quite odd and has caused me to be a bit disoriented and thinking, Is this real?

~*~

Today, for the first time since Summer, 2011....drum roll....

...I am taking zero milligrams of prednisone.

I have taken between .5 to 20 milligrams every single day since the summer of 2011. (I've taken the .5 dosage only two days, and that was this week.) That I can even conceive of the idea of zero prednisone is incredible.

No prednisone. It simply doesn't feel real...I'm having to pinch myself.

At the same time, I'm keeping my enthusiasm in check and taking a wait-and-see approach. I'm quite curious how long I'll be able to stay at zero milligrams.

This doesn't mean I'll have zero amount of pharmaceutical corticosteroids; I am still under the influence of steroids because of my routine injections.

~*~

Yesterday for the first-like time since the spring of 2011, I was able to lift a not-quite-full gallon container of milk from the kitchen counter to the top shelf of the refrigeration using only one arm and hand.

I experienced no shooting pain or lameness. Instead I felt my triceps and biceps working, similar to when I began to again feel my thigh muscles working in the summer of 2015.

I was rather stunned. It's like my arm just did it...like it's memory started working properly. I kind of felt like my arm was separate from my body. I just stood there momentarily, taking in the moment.

I was able to use my arm, not my scapula, to lift the jug. (In 2014, my occupational therapist taught me how to use my scapulas to lift my arms. It has become habit. But even at that my arm use was limited as far as being able to lift any weight, including my arms' own weight.)

For the past five-plus years, in order to lift any container to a shelf higher than our kitchen counter, I would have to use my stronger left arm and hand (and later scapula) to act as the main lifter. I'd use my weaker right arm and hand to help balance. I'd have to concentrate to lift. Once I placed the container on a higher shelf I would open my hands, palms down. With fingers outstretched as well as I could stretch them, I would allow my hands to "fall" the slight distance to the shelf where my outstretched fingers would break the fall. As I'd continue to focus I'd then allow my hands and forearms to fall a little further and with all my concentration slow the fall using my triceps (and later scapula; my biceps were pretty useless) until my arms were at a safe level where they could support themselves and be able come all the way down without injury or shooting pain through my biceps.

~*~

Zero prednisone...
Lifting a not-quite-full gallon of liquid with one arm and hand...
I'm afraid to believe it's real...
And maybe it won't last...
But I'll enjoy it while it's here...

~*~

Yesterday I read an article about robotic bees being designed to help pollinate plants due to the decrease in numbers of real live bees and butterflies. It was like reading science fiction.

From The Los Angeles Times: As bee populations dwindle, robot bees may pick up some of their pollination slack.



I'm currently reading Rachel Carson's 1962 non-fiction book, Silent Spring. I've only gotten as far as the chapter about insecticides and their far-reaching harms.

Robotic bees to pollinate.
The current USA Administration's assault against protecting our environment.
Representative Matt Gaetz's proposed bill to "terminate the Environmental Protection Agency".

Rachel's ashes are probably ready to reignite and explode.

~*~

And then there's the whole tRump scene.
I have to remind myself I'm not watching a fiction movie or cartoon.

~*~

More from Grayson ~ 1/25/17

Along my Grayson Highlands trip on Wednesday, 1/25/17...

...I stopped by Wayne Henderson's luthier shop. Wayne wasn't there, but his daughter Jane was; she was busy hand-sanding a guitar neck. I spied two small, dust-covered, wooden deer sculptures on the shop window sill and inquired about them. Jane had made them. I ended up with one in hand. Jane signed it for me. It's now sitting on my kitchen window sill in honor of a deer that got killed and was laying in my neighbor's yard two days later on Friday. My heart sank when I saw the deceased deer.

 Looking up into Grandfather Fir's branches.

On the drive up it dawned on me that I could visit my tree, Grandfather Fir. On two previous visits I'd talked to Grandfather Fir about my nerve damage. Both times, within a few months, significant events occurred. After my first talk with Grandfather Fir Charlotte's Web Hemp Extract, which has been significant in helping me manage the nerve damage, became legal in North Carolina. After my second talk the elevated cobalt and chromium levels in my body were discovered.


Below are pictures of some of the ponies I spotted. Their furry winter coats really stand out, along with their big bellies. They are always fattened up like that in winter and sometimes in summer. I don't think they are pregnant yet; it seems too soon for them to be that big. (I just looked up gestation period for ponies. It's 11 months. So I've changed my mind; I bet they are preggers.) They don't usually foal until mid-to-late spring and early summer. Fabio wasn't with them when I encountered them. Maybe he made his way up to them after his visit with me.

Turn this train's trajectory...

I read an article last night and this morning that I must share. It articulates so clearly what is happening right before our eyes, right in front of all the world. It's a long read, but worth it.

Here is a link to the article: How to Build an Autocracy

The author is David Frum, "a senior editor at The Atlantic. In 2001–02, he was a speechwriter for President George W. Bush."

The article starts by painting a picture of the possible state of the USA in 2021, just 4 years away. It's not exaggerated. That's what is alarming about the article.

A few paragraphs from the article, paragraphs which are not fiction, but happening now around the world:

"...What has happened in Hungary since 2010 offers an example—and a blueprint for would-be strongmen. Hungary is a member state of the European Union and a signatory of the European Convention on Human Rights. It has elections and uncensored internet. Yet Hungary is ceasing to be a free country.

The transition has been nonviolent, often not even very dramatic. Opponents of the regime are not murdered or imprisoned, although many are harassed with building inspections and tax audits. If they work for the government, or for a company susceptible to government pressure, they risk their jobs by speaking out. Nonetheless, they are free to emigrate anytime they like. Those with money can even take it with them. Day in and day out, the regime works more through inducements than through intimidation. The courts are packed, and forgiving of the regime’s allies. Friends of the government win state contracts at high prices and borrow on easy terms from the central bank. Those on the inside grow rich by favoritism; those on the outside suffer from the general deterioration of the economy. As one shrewd observer told me on a recent visit, 'The benefit of controlling a modern state is less the power to persecute the innocent, more the power to protect the guilty.'..."

"...Outside the Islamic world, the 21st century is not an era of ideology. The grand utopian visions of the 19th century have passed out of fashion. The nightmare totalitarian projects of the 20th have been overthrown or have disintegrated, leaving behind only outdated remnants: North Korea, Cuba. What is spreading today is repressive kleptocracy, led by rulers motivated by greed rather than by the deranged idealism of Hitler or Stalin or Mao. Such rulers rely less on terror and more on rule-twisting, the manipulation of information, and the co-optation of elites..."

~*~

Throughout 2016, as my fatigue and cognitive ability allowed, I read articles and opinions from different sides of the political spectrum, from far left to middle to far right. Trump's extreme narcissism was blatant and concerned me.

But it was an article I read in The New Yorker that struck home on a personal level: Donald Trump's Ghostwriter Tells All. As I was reading the article the first time, it was like reading about my harmful experience and relationship with John Knapp, my previous mental health therapist whose license was revoked in 2014. Then when I got to the end of the article and read Trump's final words to Schwartz, my mouth dropped open in an "OMG" moment -- "...[Trump] said, 'Have a nice life.' Trump hung up." "Have a nice life" were Knapp's exact last words to me in a 2010 email. Knapp also used those same words with others when his mask cracked publicly online in 2011. I'm no Tony Schwartz and Knapp is no Donald Trump, but Trump's manipulative tactics are the same and oh so recognizable.

Still, I thought, Carol, you might be projecting. So, keep calm.

I watched debates between Trump and Clinton, noticing Trump's body language and facial expressions, his disregard for social norms, his outright blatant lies with his pretense of honesty and feigned cause for the working citizen. I continued to read from various opinions and articles. It seemed to me that this was all a game to Trump -- another game to win. And unfortunately, he won.

~*~

A coupleish weeks ago I logged into Twitter and read Trump had directed the National Park System to delete some Tweets (that were factually correct) about Trump's 2017 inaugural crowd size. The Tweets were fresh; it had just happened. The deletion directive alarmed me. Information control. That's what cults do. I waited and read a bit more to see what had played out. Okay. Maybe those Tweets were inappropriate. If I worked for a company and tweeted something like that making the boss look bad, of course the company would want it deleted. I pondered a bit, But this isn't a company. And what was Tweeted isn't false.

Within a day or so, I read that certain information regarding climate change was being deleted from the White House web site. I read up on that and learned each Administration changes the website, archiving the previous Administration's pages. But, these are climate facts. Should they just delete that? Shouldn't they leave that information and then present their own information later alongside that information? It didn't sit well with me.

When I logged into Twitter last Wednesday night after my perfect day at Grayson Highlands, I saw the alternate Twitter account for the National Park System. A perfect ending to a perfect day. Since then, more alternate accounts have been started. Go guys and gals!

Information control and access is a huge red flag.

Last weekend when I read Trump's statement which he made as the protests in response to people with legal papers being detained were live at airports and the confusion and chaos of it all, my jaw dropped yet again. Trump said, “It’s working out very nicely. You see it at the airports, you see it all over, it’s working out very nicely, and we’re going to have a very strict ban, and we’re going to have extreme vetting, which we should have had in this country for many years.” I shouted at the walls,"This guy is fucking nuts!" It was obvious his Executive Order was not "working out nicely;" airports were in mass confusion.

Then there was Stephen Bannon's appointment to the National Security Council and the decision for the NSC Director and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs to opt out of the meetings where their attendance is deemed unnecessary. (Who makes that decision? Trump and Bannon?) I've listened to interviews of and read articles regarding people who have previously served in those behind-door meetings across various administrations. From what I've read and heard, never in the history of the USA, has a political adviser been allowed on the NSC -- and especially someone like Bannon.

Then, among other things, there are Trump's Wall Street billionaire cabinet picks and his refusal to publish his tax returns and the continual attempted reversals on environmental regulations and his rude treatment and words toward some of our allies and toward the free press. Trump's beyond-the-pail list continues.

I'm in favor of trimming government overreach where it needs trimming but not in the manner that Trump is going about it. I'm also in favor of regulations to keep capitalist greed in check. Trump is extending his own type of overreach. People matter, damn it. Our protected public lands matter. Clean water, clean air -- they matter. Foreign relationships matter. Access to information matters. Diplomacy and decency matter. Words from the leader of a world super-power matter.

Chaos, confusion, shock factor -- all manipulative control tactics.

The whole scenario and trajectory is alarming. In my recent letters to my senators, I asked them to please slow down this train.

~*~

These storms of Trump-chaos and his self-centered, extreme narcissism (among other characteristics and patterns) are reminiscent of The Way and of my personal harmful experience with my former mental health therapist, John Knapp. With The Way and with Knapp the bold lies and twisted truths were mind-boggling beyond belief, stated with absolute confidence and a pretense of honesty.

But this isn't The Way. This isn't my personal harmful experience with an unstable mental health therapist. This is our country. At times I just scream inside for people to WAKE THE FUCK UP to see what is happening. This is not normal!

As noted above, I am well aware that my internal responses to Trump's election are influenced by my personal experiences. I have wondered if my internal responses are overreactions. I no longer think they are.

I have a good friend who voted for Trump mainly because of their disdain for Hillary. As I've shared some of my concerns, the response has been along the lines of, "We'll see. There are checks and balances in the government. It will all be okay."

I think it will only end up okay if we can curb and redirect the disastrous trajectory of Trump's train.

I am deeply concerned at what is happening in our country. We've seen more moderate Republicans who were once critical of Trump, be pulled into his maelstrom of lunacy, dismissing or rationalizing Trump's outrageous actions, words, and lies and endeavoring to downplay his behavior. I had thought maybe those representatives would be a sane voice to help curb Trump's maniacal tendencies.

This does not mean that I think past politicians in our country have not been corrupt or greedy or liars. I think the problems (in context of our country) go back to the founding of this country which, in my opinion, was based more on greed than on freedom. In the past month, one of the things I've reread to help me understand what is going on now is Chapter 5: A Kind of Revolution from the book A People's History of the United States. Some of the parallels to what is happening now are almost uncanny. (Link to a pdf: A People's History of The United States.) Chapter 5 shares some of history, motivations, influences, and tactics behind the American Revolutionary War and the Founding of the United States -- documented history that was left out or only mentioned in the US History classes that I attended during my schooling years.

I've never been very politically active, other than casting my vote. Beginning in December, 2016, as much as I'm able, I started calling and writing government officials. And I've taken up more conscious wishing, praying, hoping for our country's strength and peace to any vital forces that might exist and have the power to influence.

~*~