Journal entry: 2/22/17 thought dump

2/22/17, Wed. 11:41 AM at Starbucks on Oakland

So I thought I'd try to write something this morning to see if any creative juices are left. I was thinking last night, or yesterday, that in order to prime the pump, I need to...
just write.

For years when I journaled I wondered...
What will I do with this writing? Am I a narcissist because of all the time I spend writing? It seems a selfish act -- to journal and write so much. What will I ever do with all this writing? What is the profit?

Those were thoughts I had while in The Way. I wrote and wrote and wrote -- journaling my thoughts and doubts and confusion and pain which did lead to insights and to doors opening to solutions.

But it felt selfish. I'd feel guilty for writing.

I asked my psychologist at the time, "Am I a narcissist?"

He answered with a definite and emphatic, "No."

I countered, "But all this writing I do about myself and my inner life...and myself, isn't that narcissism?"

Again he replied, "No."

We then discussed narcissism and how it exists on a scale. All humans have some "narcissism;" without it we'd never survive as a species. There is so-called healthy narcissism...

~*~
Bleh...here I am again -- slipping into thinking about presentation as I write.

Carol, how can you get back to writing for yourself, not others?

At first I must write for myself. Then I can edit it for the view of others. But first draft -- just fall into the writing.

Remember how you used to love to write? You just wrote for the pure joy of writing.

Where has that gone and how can I get it back?

~*~
I am continually surprised how few people know about the endocannabinoid system.

~*~
What should I write? Try my pen at a poem?

I feel I offended you
I struggle with this often --

this feeling that I offend others

I want you to know that I care
But in trying to relay that

without directly telling you

I fumble and my words come

out to bluntly

Often I cannot retrieve from

my brain the proper words

I'd probably be better off to

say nothing

~*~
To think we own the land is preposterous. The land is on loan to us humans. It will eventually go back to itself. Skyscrapers congregated on an acre, all that heavy weight concentrated in one small area multiplied in big cities. A time will come when it will collapse. It's not a matter of if. It is a matter of when.

10 years?
20?
30?
100?

At some point the earth will say, "No more," unless we destroy ourselves first.

~*~