Victimhood

Some weeks back I shared with Hubby, "I'm updating my story on my blog. I again get concerned I'll come across like a victim. Then I again realize, I was a victim. That's just a fact. But I don't think I have a victim mentality. Do I?"

The subject has been on my mind again the past couple days.

First what is a victim?

The Oxford dictionary defines "victim" as "a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action." A sub-definition under that is "a person who is tricked or duped."

Everyone who lives long enough is a victim of some circumstance, event, or actions beyond their control. It is unavoidable. What we do in response determines whether or not we live with a victim mentality.

So, what defines a victim mentality?
What is a normal response when one is a victim?
How can one avoid falling into victimhood?

Following is an excerpt from an article posted on the Harley Therapy Counselling Blog out of the UK. Here is a link to the article: The Victim Mentality – What It Is and Why You Use It.

Being a Victim vs Self Pity vs Victim Mentality

Bad things can happen in life. You might be the victim of a crime, such as fraud or even sexual assault. In such a case you have every right to feel that things were out of your control, because they were, and any thought that it’s somehow your fault and you are responsible is erroneous thinking.

It’s also perfectly normal to feel sorry for yourself every once in a while, or feel powerless in the face of a challenge like a bereavement or divorce.

But if you have a victim mentality, you will see your entire life through a perspective that things constantly happen ‘to’ you. Victimisation is thus a combination of seeing most things in life as negative, beyond your control, and as something you should be given sympathy for experiencing as you ‘deserve’ better. At its heart, a victim mentality is actually a way to avoid taking any responsibility for yourself or your life. By believing you have no power then you don’t have to take action.

A healthy person, on the other hand, recognises that beyond random bad occurrences, many things in life happen because of choices they themselves made, and that they have power to choose differently. And they understand that when misfortune does happen, it is nothing to do with personal value or ‘deserving’ or ‘not deserving’.

So what are some of the ways I have responded to various victim-events in my own life? Where have I landed in the hood of victim-village?

• Self-pity from time to time? Yes.
• Anxiety due to a string of bad circumstances that left me waiting for the next bad thing to happen and wondering where the next bad thing would fall from and how could I move out of the way when and if it fell? Yes.
• From time to time, feeling I deserve the injuries I've received? Yes.
• Feelings of self-doubt and self-blame and guilt that I have brought these injuries on myself? Yes.
• Wondering if I did the right thing in response to the unlucky circumstances? Yes.
• Wondering if I'm "attention-seeking" when I post parts of my story and experiences online? Yes.
• Wanting to be understood and to be able to tell my side of the story, to give it voice? Yes.
• Replaying certain events and circumstances over and over in my head wondering what did I do to cause certain events to happen? Yes.

• Feeling I have no power to choose differently? No.
• Seeing my entire life through a perspective that things constantly happen "to" me? No.
• Avoiding taking responsibility for my actions and words? No.
• Seeking sympathy for the predicaments in which I found myself? No.

~*~

Then there is this article posted on the same website: Do You Have a Victim Personality? 12 Ways to Tell. Here are the twelve identifying factors. Each of these is expounded on in the article.

• 1. You Often Feel Helpless.
• 2. You Have A Tendency To Complain.
• 3. You Are Rarely Visibly Angry.
• 4. You Are, However, Convinced Those Around You Are Always Upset Or Angry With You.
• 5. You Expect Other People To Know How You Feel.
• 6. You Talk About Other People More Than Yourself.
• 7. You Talk About Events For A Long Time After The Fact.
• 8. You Believe That The World Is A Dangerous Place.
• 9. You Just Can’t Get Ahead No Matter How Hard You Try.
• 10. When Stressful Things Happen You Can’t Think Straight.
• 11. You Believe You Are Entitled To Being Treated Well.
• 12. You Often Feel Exhausted Or Have Colds And Flu.

This list strikes a bit close to home. Keeping in my mind that it is "just a list," the factors that cause me pause are numbers 1, 3, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12. Most of those pause-causers tie in closely with living with chronic illness. Some of them also tie in with the aftermath of therapist abuse and an attempted character assassination. That aftermath is a bit hazier, not so clear-cut as a physical disability.

• #1: "You often feel helpless." As much as I'd like to, I don't have control over the physical symptoms I manage on a day-to-day basis. And because of my symptoms, often times I am faced with a feeling of helplessness.
• #3: "You Are Rarely Visibly Angry." I don't often visibly express anger.
• #7: "You Talk About Events For A Long Time After The Fact." I do often talk/blog about my disability and its associated circumstances, but it's not a long time after the fact because I'm living it in the present. Sometimes I still talk about the Knapp trauma, and I wish I'd get through that already. 
• #8: "You Believe That The World Is A Dangerous Place." The world is a dangerous place. I endeavor to not allow the danger-mentality to dominate. I do take calculated risks. I trusts people less easily than I once did, and I don't think that's a bad thing. As Bilbo Baggins said, “It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to."
• #9: "You Just Can’t Get Ahead No Matter How Hard You Try." I can't get ahead in the sense that I can't get things done around my home because I literally can't do them. Much of my energy has to be spent on self care; it's not a luxury. 
• #10: "When Stressful Things Happen You Can’t Think Straight." I often can't think straight when stressful things happen. But isn't that true of many people? 
• #12: "You Often Feel Exhausted Or Have Colds And Flu." I often feel exhausted but I don't get "sick." Fatigue is part of the symptom picture for polyradiculitis. I haven't had a cold in over six years (tap on Groot). I only had the flu once and that was a side effect of an immunosuppressant drug which I quit taking when I got the flu. 

Again, it's "just a list." But I'll probably ponder it a bit. I may search more online and see what other sites state about victim mentality.

I didn't answer one of the questions I posted at the beginning of this post:  how can one avoid falling into victimhood?

"Victimhood." Brings to mind a mental image of a dark shadowy figure hiding under a hoodie cape, like a victim reaper. 

~*~

After posting this blog entry, I searched a bit more on the Harley Therapy site. Here is an article with good pointers about how to avoid falling into victimhood: How to Cope When Life Does Things You Can’t Control.

~*~