Chronic illness: feeling pointless

In my journal at 2:10 AM this morning I wrote, "I'm blue. My life feels pointless. My next thought is, I have no goals. Which isn't totally true."

But the reality is, I don't have long-term goals. I'm unable to commit. And I set myself up for disappointment with long-term goals. So, I set short-term goals, which change according to my ability on any given day.

In a recent appointment with my psychologist, she stated something like, "...so you won't feel like a burden to others?" I can't recall the exact context at the moment.

I responded, "Oh. I don't feel like a burden. I seldom ask for help. But, I feel I don't contribute."

(I do sometimes feel like a burden to Hubby. But he genuinely doesn't think that way. But I still feel like it.)

The reality is I do contribute, simply by taking care of myself. That is my main contribution. But it can feel pretty pointless and pretty lonely.

(Pointlessness. Loneliness. I think that maybe that is common for the majority of people, even those who aren't challenged with a chronic illness or disability.)

And I do contribute in other ways beyond self-care, ways that sometimes involve other people. But the majority of my time is alone or with animals. Animals are often the best people.

Some days I write down things I did that day that contributed, even if it's as simple as "I brushed my teeth."

After my surgery last August my friend, Joy, stayed in our home for a month as my caregiver. After a couple weeks, the mundane dailiness of it all started to get to her a little bit. I recognized it and brought up the subject. It lightened the load a bit. Then later that evening, as we sat on the porch, she was talking about what we'd do the next day. "Tomorrow is bath day. And we'll do your PT. And eat." She paused. Then said, "What else is there?" The essence being, what else is there in life?

We both laughed. But it really struck home as to the mundaneness of self-care. Just to clothe oneself, eat, and bathe can be the big accomplishments for the day.

Yesterday I googled "chronic illness feeling pointless." Here's a link to one article that came up. I finally read it today. It's adapted from the book After The Diagnosis by Dr. JoAnn LeMaistre.  I agree with most of the article. I disagree with the author's statement, "Creativity is not impaired by illness." (Italics are the author's.) That doesn't ring true for me at all.

But I found most of the article helpful. And to most of it I can say a resounding, "Yes."

Today, again managing the pointlessness of my life due to my inability to accomplish the simplest of tasks, these sentences resonate:

At times, like a dangerous undertow, this pain drags you far from your recognizable self. It may seem that you have no reason for living or that you are living only to experience pain. Even so, the reason for living is life. 

"The reason for living is life." I'll ponder that.

This morning I thought, It's time to write up my rally goal sheet for this 12-week round. Maybe that will help ground me.

So I did. And it helped. I'll magnet it to the fridge.

I'm reading the book How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers.  I'm incorporating some of the precepts in this round's trek.

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June 27, 2017 through September 18, 2017

Main goal this round is to continue to adjust to my new normal in regard to epidural relief. One good day, then one to two recovery days.
Keep in mind the progress I have and am making.

Three characteristics of existence to ponder...
~Dukkha (suffering)
~Anicca (impermanence)
~Anatta (no fixed self)

Four sublime states, brahma viharas (dwelling places), to endeavor toward...
~Metta (loving-kindness; wishing well to others and to ourselves)
~Karuna (compassion: reaching out to those who are suffering, including ourselves)
~Mudita (sympathetic joy; joy in the joy of others)
~Upekkha (equanimity; a mind that is at peace in all circumstances)

Remember moods, life, circumstances are like the weather.
Weather is always changing.
"It's wind man. It blows all over the place."

I undertake the practice of (fill in the blank for that moment).

May I be peaceful.
May I have ease of well being.
May I embrace the end of suffering.

The "end of suffering" is more an adjustment of my definition and perception of "suffering."
The actual suffering doesn't end, necessarily.
Suffering is simply another state.
Suffering is part of the journey and I adapt, like a river flowing around or over rocks...or rising behind a dam.

Countdown:
Week 1: Completed Tu, 7/04/17
Week 2: Completed Tu, 7/11/17
Week 3: Completed Tu, 7/18/17
Week 4: Completed Tu, 7/25/17

Week 5: Completed Tu, 8/01/17
Week 6: Completed Tu, 8/08/17 (neck shots M, 8/07/17)
Week 7: Completed Tu, 8/15/17
Week 8: Completed Tu, 8/22/17

Week 9: Completed Tu, 8/29/17
Week 10: Completed Tu, 9/05/17
Week 11: Completed Tu, 9/12/17
Week 12: Completed M, 9/18/17 (epidural #18)

Carol Welch, CEO
~cyclist. explorer. overcomer.
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