This morning as I was out walking some canine friends I recognized that I was trying to avoid feeling the anxiety and depression that has raised its head recently.
I realized that to try to force my way out of the anxiety, doesn't work. To pretend the trauma never happened doesn't work. To distract myself with other activities helps some; yet, a subtle undercurrent continues. To recall the vast atrocities in history helps some by putting my little, peon experience into perspective; yet, that doesn't rid the emotions that the undercurrent brings onto shore.
As I continued to walk my two canine dachshund friends watching their tiny little legs move ever so quickly and briskly making it appear that their feet barely touch the ground, I grounded my own emotions by checking in with my heart. And I heart soaked; that is I embraced the anxiety and depression. I didn't push it away or try to control it or try to distract myself from it. I let it sit in my heart and asked myself, "Why? Why am I having trouble with this now? What triggered it? Don't be afraid, just look. You are safe."
The answer I got, which is probably only a partial answer as some many answers in life seem to be: This got stirred up with the recent email you received, the one asking about Knapp.
During my heart soak, I also realized that I am not more vocal about the trauma/situation because I am trying to protect someone or something. "What or who are you trying to protect?"
Yourself? Yes, I think that is partly it. To reopen the wounds on a continual basis isn't healthy. I want to be able to manage that better and heal. It hurts, it just plain old hurts.
John? Perhaps. John is not all bad. And I wish I still had a good relationship with John, but he is the one that shunned me. These things did happen. He has many people that don't know this side of him, that don't know how manipulative and verbally abusive he can be.
Those in therapy with John? Yes, definitely. That's a clincher. I don't want to undermine someone else's recovery process. Will the truth do that, will it undermine another's recovery? It can appear that way in the short run. But in the long run, I believe that the truth is what brings restoration. Cover-up just delays the stench.
The recent anxiety-triggering email I received was (another) inquiry regarding Knapp. This time it wasn't from a cult-recovery activist who knows Knapp but from someone in need of counseling after involvement in a cult.
A question in the email (slightly adapted to maintain anonymity) was: "Can you tell me exactly why I shouldn't hire John?"
Below is my response (slightly adapted to maintain anonymity of the person who inquired):
********************
(Summer, 2011: my email response)
Hey [...],
This is not an easy email for me to compose. I'm left wondering how much to share and I feel my own inside panic. As stated in various places in different blog posts, one of the hardest things I ever did was to file the complaint on John; deciding to go public with some of the information has been almost as equally hard.
You asked me, "Can you tell me exactly why I shouldn't hire John?" I don't know if I can answer that specific question as far as why you should not hire him. Your relationship with John would be yours. It may be healthy and stay that way. In no way do I want to undermine anyone's recovery process. I do suggest if you have any little red flags, that you (of course) listen to them.
All I can share with you is my experience and why I can't hire John.
The short answer (and only part of the answer) is that I cannot hire John because he harmed me, plain and simple. He accused me of things I had no idea that I had done (and I didn't do). He then cut off (in an abrupt and harmful manner, to say the least) communication with me making it impossible to reconcile the situation. Then, via email to another client in which he twisted what had happened, he justified and rationalized and minimized the impact of his actions.
John, I'm sure, has his side of the story. I do not know what his side is (other than the bit he wrote to the other client in September, 2010). He chose to close the door to any sort of communication, thus making any discussion and reconciliation impossible.
Because of my experience, because of a handful of other people's experiences, because I have had a professional read emails and observe John's online behavior as impartially as one can do so, and because of other stuff that I simply don't have the energy to write about now....I question John's competence as a mental health counselor. (To borrow what another person stated: "Oh, the complexities and mixed messages with John have been many. Others come to mind as I type here, but there is no need to give the details."). I believe he has boundary issues that can compromise (and end up harming, as in my situation) relationships with his clients. I also think his online activity in social networks is risky in regard to his clients. IMO, and from my experience and a handful of others who have shared with me their experiences, I think John exhibits anti-social traits outside normal perimeters, especially what would be acceptable for someone who is a mental health counselor.
[Here is a link regarding the Code of Ethics for Social Workers.
As a resource regarding online ethics regarding interaction between client and therapist on social networks, you can read here: Ethical Framework for the Use of Social Media by Mental Health Professionals.]
This blog post states in short what John accused me of. It may not seem like much. However, for me with my history and issues, it was devastating. John used my deepest vulnerabilities against me, and then brushed his words and actions aside.
Previously I felt John was an excellent counselor when our relationship was client-therapist. When it became client-therapist-friend-colleague, the relationship went awry one step and a time. Looking back, I did have some tiny red flags along the way. I chose to ignore them; after all, it was John. I could trust John...or so I thought.
In a separate email, I am going to send you an anonymous version of the complaint summary overview I filed with the state of NY. That will best outline what it is that happened to me, if you decide to read it.
That email to you will not include corresponding emails that I sent as evidence; nor does it include the other summaries, which I sent with the complaint packet to NY, explaining the context of the situation(s). Due to the voluminous amount of emails, the complaint packet I sent to New York was about an inch thick. The investigation is still in process.
Nor does the anonymous summary that I am sending you mention the handful of other people (who either I contacted or who contacted me) who have experienced similar harm as I in their relationships with John. Someone was first sent my way beginning within a week after John cut me off. The last person to contact me about their harmful experience with Knapp has been within the past couple months. Please note that, to my knowledge, these people were never clients of John; they were in 'colleague' type roles.
One person who contacted me said: "I felt like John put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger."
Another stated: "I felt like John used me."
Another stated: "I had reservations about him as a therapist because of the anger in some of his online writings [...] That was prior to my learning of some other folks' difficulties with him. [...] Again, please take it into your psyche when I reiterate that I'm sure you did NOthing to provoke his outburst. I can be assured of that because John has likewise attacked me [...] on a number of occasions. His attacks to me were surprising and irrelevant. I don't trust either his praise nor his attacks. John's emotional swings felt abusive and manipulative, but I didn't take them personally."
Another stated: "I hope that you [...]can take a healthy step back and observe John’s actions … it’s not you – I don’t think John is stable at all but he’s twisting it on you [...]. [...] And it is a pattern of behavior over the past."
I am not proud to have reported John nor to have gone public with the small bit of information that I have gone public with. (Many details are left out, as you noted in your initial email.) I felt in a no-win situation. It makes my stomach turn. :-/ It has been a horrible and traumatic experience for me. I never, in my wildest imagination, thought I'd ever be posting what I have posted on my blog.
I'll be glad to try to answer any questions you may have. Some questions I may not be able to answer due to protecting my own emotional health and the triggers I still deal with. Some I may not be able to answer (if the questions are about other people's experiences) because I am not at liberty to share those.
You may decide to hire John. As long as the relationship is kept as client-therapist, it may be great and benefit you tremendously. I would suggest that if the relationship with John starts to veer outside a client-therapist relationship (and into, for example, a co-activist/colleague/friend-type relationship), that it would be time to get another therapist. John's services are not irreplacable, of course; there are other competent therapists who understand cult dynamics.
I hope this email isn't too long and I hope it is somewhat clear.
Best to you,
[my name]
[my phone number]
********************
Notes:
Less that a week after this blog entry was posted (which was around the same time I made public the anonymous version of my complaint), John Knapp began his defamatory online rants regarding myself, Dr. Monica Pignotti, Lema (Lom) Nal, and a few others. He made statements as fact that are outright fabrications. For me the worst of these were that I had undermined a friend's mental health sending her to the hospital and that I propositioned Knapp for sex multiple times even inviting him to meet me in a hotel room. I never propositioned John Knapp for sex in any way, shape, or manner. In April, 2012, I learned that I was not the reason my friend was sent to the hospital.
(My statements addressing some of Knapp's false claims can be read here: My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations. )
In December, 2011, another ex-client of Knapp contacted me with their story. What I had experienced had mirrored their own experience with Knapp; the person ended up deeply harmed and in need of further counseling with a different mental health therapist to help heal the emotional/psychological/relationship damage brought on by Knapp's actions and words. Sometime in latter 2011(?) Knapp adapted a stage name, "Johnny Profane."
[Update: On January 14, 2014, New York state determined its ruling regarding the NY state license of John M. Knapp (identified as "practitioner" in my complaint below).
John M. Knapp was
"...Found guilty of professional misconduct; Penalty: Revocation...Licensee was found guilty of practicing his profession with negligence, as well as with incompetence, on more than one occasion, and of unprofessional conduct."
See January, 2014 Summaries of Regents Actions on Professional Misconduct and Discipline
Click the following links for what constitutes "professional misconduct" and "unprofessional conduct."
Professional Misconduct
Unprofessional Conduct ]
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