One effect of dual relationships in a therapeutic relationship

Below are emails I wrote to my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, on July 26, 2010.

I bring them forward (at least partly) as an example of where a client may find themselves if they enter into dual relationships with their mental health therapist.

In the positions in which I had volunteered and was solicited for, I found myself very confused and being triggered back into issues I had stemming (at least in part) from my 28-year involvement with The Way International and with fear of authority (not an unusual fear for ex-cultists).

The emails, which demonstrate my state of mind at the time, clearly show that these issues were exasperated. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....the dual relationships could have been a stepping stone in healing and learning to overcome some of my challenges. That is what I thought at the time and was led to believe.

But, alas, that is not what happened. Instead the therapist used my vulnerabilities against me.

IMO, at this point, dual relationships of the nature in which I found myself should be altogether avoided. Any dual relationships need to be carefully monitored and tenderly watched over if and when they are entered into within the therapeutic relationship.


The context of these emails:
On the evening of July 26,  I had called to participate in the phone support group that Knapp facilitated of which I was a core member, but I was crying uncontrollably due to the distress of my discomfort and confusion regarding my relationship(s) with Knapp. I felt this was something I couldn't bring up in the phone support group; other members did not know about my working with John as a co-administrator on his the online cult-recovery and activist discussion board and on his then still formulating non-profit. So I simply said I had to leave the group that night. I then wrote John the emails (below) and John and I set an appointment for me for the following day.

On July, 27, via Skype, Knapp and I discussed the content of my emails including my challenges with fear of authority and fear of abandonment. That discussion/counsel was helpful and I was thankful to have a "safe" place to process and continue to work through some of these challenges, or so I thought. Within a week, on August 2, Knapp cut off communication with me in a hostile manner and made it very clear he wanted no contact with me. July 26, 2010, ended up being my last attendance at the phone support group which I had been part of since 2008.

[begin emails]:
______________________

Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 8:35 PM

If you happen to check your email...while on the phone call tonight....Monday night.

I'll probably not call back.
I just feel....too....needy.  And I don't even know what to say.  And I think I'll just watch a video of Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson to help me laugh.

I feel very much like a burden.  And of course want to say I'm sorry...multiple times.

*barf*

Just is was it is, I guess.  :-/

Maybe we could talk sometime this week, if you have some time. I understand if not.

Thanks John,
cw

ps: I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just weepy and moody and some stuff....

______________________

Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 11:56 PM

Well....the movie was good. Wish life could be so .... movie-ish. :-/

....O.K....on the 1:00 [appointment for July 27], if it is still open by the time you get this. (And I bite my tongue in order to not apologize.)

I feel bad about needing yet another one-on-one this week.  I just had one last week.

I think, "What the fuck is wrong w/me that I need a counselor so often?"

I'm embarrassed about it. I'm embarrassed about my needs. I'm embarrassed that I feel like such a child.

And again I want to apologize....and I'm embarrassed about feeling I should apologize.

It's like I am apologizing for my existence, apologizing for being needy, apologizing for having the emotional and mental challenges I have, apologizing for my "weakness(es)."

It makes my stomach turn.  It makes me wish I were invisible. It makes me wish...that...I was someone else.  Whom, I don't know. Probably someone in a movie; like Mowgli on Jungle Book...or Baloo the Bear. I always liked Balloo..he was one of my favorites when I was 8 years old.

I guess I should (embarrassingly) send you what I wrote earlier tonight.

I don't want to send it, but I think I should.

*pause and reread the above*

Something else, reading over this before I send it to you. I recognize that I want to be 'parented.' Perhaps I'll always have that need, that void...the lack of mothering void. Hell, I'm 51. I can't imagine if that need hasn't been filled yet, that it will ever be filled.

I remember Dr. McColloch's answer when I asked, "When will that void [ie: the void left from parental abandonment/neglect (which I still dismiss as me making a mountain out of a  mole hill)] ever be filled?"  And his answer was, "Possibly never..."

It seems like I'd be used to it by now. :-/

Sorry for the ramble. Scroll down to read what I wrote earlier this evening.

I'm so sorry John.... :-(

~carol

*******************
The following is about the Knapp Family Counseling project stuff. And about my struggle with it, with maneuvering this new relationship....I'm hesitant to (again) bring it up. I don't want to trigger (for lack of a better word) John or cause a mess out of something that is good. Oh yuck...o.k. .... here goes....below the arrows....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I weekly struggle with this project. I feel that when I speak with John, there must always be a reason. It should be business. I need to keep our talks short and to the point. His time is valuable and I shouldn't have these needs or at least I should be able to meet my needs myself, without validation from John...or Lema, for that matter. Oh yuck...my stomach turns.

I miss the therapeutic relationship. I don't know how to bring this up.I have found myself checking over and over any written information re the project, and in any personal correspondence with John. I feel I must be to the point, precise, exact..."just the facts mam" approach. I have started a few times to write regarding this and I delete it all.

I feel myself hesitant to approach John.

All these little signs are not good. Yet I have difficulty bringing them up, bringing them forward. My mind becomes somewhat of a mush...foggy...Another signal that I need to speak up.

I feel silly, immature, quite unprofessional and lacking knowledge...in comparison to John ...and Lema.

I too often don't feel professional enough. I even feel not good enough. And then I feel I put up a front.

My stomach turns again.

I am afraid to bring these things up.  I am afraid I'll be deemed too unstable to continue with this project. Too needy. Taking things too personally. Too ambivalent. Non-decisive. And that I may cause Lema or John a feeling that they need to walk tenderly around me for fear that I may get triggered. Get triggered into the challenges I write about in the above few paragraphs. And I don't want them to feel that way or have to be that way around me. It makes me feel sick to think of that.

I'm not even sure how to communicate exactly what it is I feel. I am afraid that if I try, I'll just stumble over my words and then enter into that silent territory...where I feel I haven't expressed myself authentically. Where I feel is my *place.* A certain place where I am to behave a certain way. A place of not speaking up because my words are stupid. And I don't know how to describe that...I get foggy again..and I get tense.

I must send this email. For if I don't...I again fall prey to my own silencing mechanisms. I cannot do that.

Send the email Carol...send the email.
[end]

______________________

Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:11 AM

After effect of sending [the email]:

I fear abandonment. I guess for making my needs known. :-/

Just thought I should let you [John] know that too...

______________________

Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:39 AM

Another thing....

Part of this is hormonal...part of it.

And I'd be feeling bad about myself about something other than the Knapp Family Counseling project. Not sure what...parenting, personhood, some other relationship...

I think that's all now...

______________________

Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:24 PM

A few other things I thought of:

The Pawtucket incident & the incident last week during the meeting.

I fear rejection...which I would think is along the lines of abandonment.

The movie Billy Jack...the second movie. I think of the woman crossing the street with the boy. Unable to face what did happen, wanting to shield from that.  I don't want to do that. I don't want to pretend I don't have these challenges. If I do, they will only come out later...in some way....even in a way that I may not recognize where they come from.

I also feel that now is the time for me to work on these challenges. What safer place could I have than with John and Lema?  And also do it while doing the project, something I've wanted since I've started blogging...a platform, recognition, a healthy environment in which to help folks (including myself). And if I can grow beyond these challenges, I'll have more under my belt to draw upon to be able help others.

______________________
[end emails]