Benefit of the Doubt

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I've written a couple memoir-type pieces in the last couple days, pieces I need to go back over and edit a bit as well as look up some dates and information.  I prefer if I could just remember the exact timing of events instead of having to look them up.  But alas, I don't have perfect recall and thus sometimes depend on dates I've recorded in journals and in files, the 3-D paper kind not the 2-D computer kind.

I was talking with my friend, April, the other day.  We were discussing book reviews.  I mentioned to her how I used to keep a journal of my own personal book reviews.  When I'd read a book, I'd write something about it in my book review journal.  At some point I got tired of doing that and quit the practice.  In the past year or so I've written a couple reviews on Amazon.

I have to say that I don't know if I've ever read a "bad" book.  It dawned on me as I was talking with April, that I tend to recall what it is that resonates with me when I read a book.  I don't know if I've ever said that such and such is a terrible book.

For example Rick Warren's, "A Purpose Driven Life." It's not a book I'd recommend for folks recovering from spiritual abuse.  When I read it, I found the suggestions/directives/recommendations too binding, restrictive, suffocating for me.  They felt too much like formulas that were prevalent in The Way.  However, the book did have a chapter or section regarding "fellowship" or relationships with others and the importance of being genuine and authentic.  That part hit home for me and that was the kernel I kept from the book.

Authenticity was something lacking greatly in my last years in The Way.

I recall much unsolicited advice from well-meaning Way believers.  Some would advise and suggest to me regarding my health challenges, my kids, and my home decor.  It was almost like some (many?) Way followers were consistently looking for what was wrong in a person or situation, looking how to improve it or her or him, and not giving ample credit for what was right.  I guess that is called "fault-finding." I continue to see it in society as well; a cynicism that I'm not sure is healthy.

I do think healthy scepticism is a good thing.  Cynicism though can cut off creative thinking and solutions...or soulutions.  (That's misspelled on purpose.) I'd much rather be part of helping find answers and insights, being open to ideas and possibilities, than to stifling exploration and questions because my cynicism doesn't allow such.

I think some people think that when someone is kind or friendly that that someone isn't being honest.  It seems (too often) folks align honesty with criticism. It's like for a person to be honest, they must be cynical or critical. Yet the two are not synonyms...honesty and criticism.

Anyway in talking with April it dawned on me that perhaps I give the benefit of the doubt too often.  Perhaps that is one way I've ended up in some toxic group relationships?  Perhaps I'm not critical enough when engaging new relationships within groups?  Perhaps I don't want to see the ugly side?

I have asked myself the common factors in these toxic relationships.  I found two:  myself and ex-cult members.  That is the only place I have experienced toxic relationships and people concluding ulterior motives; it was with certain ex-cult followers or groups of ex-cultees.  I haven't experienced that attitude to such a marked degree outside of those ex-cult relationships.  I imagine this isn't exclusive to ex-cult members but also (to some extent) in abuse victims and survivors.  Trust gets maligned and in some cases annihilated.

Still my book reviews will probably continue to emphasize what I like about a book and not what I don't like.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~