Since Knapp's postings about me, which currently have been taken offline from public view, I've had a similar response as when he first accused me in private, back in August, 2010. The accusations he threw at me then in 2010 sent me falling down Alice's rabbit hole. At that time, Knapp had been my mental health therapist, a position of trust, for right at two years.
And it wasn't just the accusations that sent my heart and brain spinning, but also the lack of Knapp's willingness to even discuss the situation or address my confusion, which I plainly wrote to him how very confused I was. Instead, he totally cut off communication with me and that in a hostile manner.
And then, the day after he cut off communication with me, he called my home phone, while I was out hiking the Roan Highlands for over 13 hours, and left an odd message on my voice mail telling me that I'd contacted his assistant and that I told her I wanted to talk with him.
I never contacted his assistant. I couldn't have; I was without technology that whole day.
And then he never called me back after I returned his call in response to that odd message.
And then some six weeks later he emailed a friend of mine, who was also his client, wherein he twisted the scenario between he and I, minimized its impact, and rationalized his behavior and words.
To this day, I'm not even sure what it was that Knapp and I disagreed over or had a misunderstanding about, other than I thought he had opened up an issue for re-discussion. So I had re-discussed. Is that what the misunderstanding was about? I don't even know.
The rabbit hole. Among other things, my mind felt divided...split. I couldn't trust myself. I couldn't trust my perceptions. I couldn't trust what was plainly in front of me. Was the person who was kind to me in the check out line, really being kind? Or were they being manipulative? When I was kind, was I really being kind? Or did I have some sort of sinister, ulterior motive?
With the current 2011 round of Knapp's accusations - public accusations and fetched far beyond what I would have ever imagined that anyone would fabricate regarding me. Me...a non-public, unimportant (in light of all history), one-of-the-million-among-the-masses tiny fish in a huge sea. This round, the accusations have had a similar effect. That of causing my mind to feel divided or split and wondering if I really am this (among other descript words & labels) "sadistic," "terroristic," "cruel," "crazier than a shithouse rat" woman who is trying to "DESTORY" another individual, that individual being Knapp.
If I had wanted to destroy Knapp, I have much (depending on one's definition of much) more I could have brought public. If I had wanted to destroy Knapp, I could have sued. I could have plastered my writings on all sorts of online sites where John has visited or currently visits, including places John has 'enemies.' I could have emailed all sorts of people who know John.
I didn't do those things.
Instead, I filed a complaint. I spoke with a handful of others, some who initiated contact with me, about what had happened. I listened to their stories. Some had similar experiences as I. Some six months after filing the complaint, I went public with Knapp's name and in the subsequent months went public with more detail. Of that, I am guilty.
After this last round of false accusations, I find myself wanting to explain myself, not only regarding Knapp stuff, but with other decisions or errors that I make. I think that is probably normal when someone is accused.
When a friend of mine was falsely accused in the past (among the anti-cult crowd), and before I was sure if the accusations were false or not, I noticed he would explain himself for various decisions, explaining his motives or his whereabouts. It wasn't something I needed him to do, but he must have felt the need. I did notice it.
I'd wonder, "Is he guilty of the accusations and he is now trying to prove to me, by his explanations regarding other things in life, that he isn't that kind of person, that "pervert," and the picture others have tried to paint for me that he is? Or, is he innocent and he feels cornered?"
Ends up, he was innocent. He's not any more a "pervert" than the next two-legged animal standing in line behind me at Starbucks. And he was never, ever guilty of the accusation thrown at him of posing as a woman in a private chat conversation with me, relaying in tears her heartache over the broken relationship with him. I wonder how other men would feel had they been accused of doing that and of baiting me by posing as that woman?
Should I have gone public with what I've gone public with regarding Knapp? It's a question I don't have a direct answer for right now. I'll probably continue to question it for months.
Some people have thanked me for speaking up.
Some don't care.
Some have criticized.
Some have brandished me to shameful, despicable scorn.
I wonder just how important the "all-important audience" (to quote from this article) is?
In the end, the most important audience is a person's own heart and that of their loved ones. That assurance helps bring my heart back to gratitude and helps clear the static of the all-important audience voices.
Else my heart could become divided, split, and conquered. I think I'd rather die.
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