AWW - october 5, 2011
non-subject: the past in the present
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I don't want to write tonight.
I've felt depressed and anxious much of the day. Questioning myself. Nothing new really...the questioning myself. I wish I trusted my thoughts more, my opinions. I wish I knew my opinions. I'm sure I have opinions.
I stand in the kitchen tonight at writing break to grab a bite to eat. I heat a turkey burger in the microwave, throw some mixed salad greens on a plate, plop shredded mozzarrella on the salad, put on a couple handfuls of a nut-seed-raisin mix, pour Newman's Light Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette dressing over the salad, then add relish on top of my heated turkey burger. I eat alone standing at the kitchen counter, a regular routine for me these days - eating alone standing at the kitchen counter.
What do I write about? "The past in the present."
About a thousand things run through my mind. With whatever thing it is that runs through my mind, the backstory comes tumbling forward.
I'm again on long-term steroids, not for asthma as used to be the case for almost two decades, but for serum sickness. I saw a rheumatologist last week. Good news is, the diagnosis is confirmed...serum sickness; I don't have lupus or rheumatoid arthritis or multiple sclerosis or anything like that. The longest case of serum sickness the rheumatologist has seen is 18 months. I'll be on low dose steroids for probably another 6 to 7 months as I wean down from 7 milligrams per day to 0 milligram, taking it down 1 milligram per month.
I was hopeful when I left the rheumatologist.
I think about the John Knapp saga every day. Last week, Knapp took his website off line, the website with the derogatory posts about me and Monica and Lema. Knapp called Lema, "lefty." I thought that was low. Lema is Chechen and lives in Russia. Knapp also took down the Facebook page for his website, and the Facebook page for his previous paractice, and he apparently changed his personal Facebook page from public to private.
I cried today. It was good to see Dante and Banjo when I cried. Banjo, a toy terrier mixed breed canine that can jump four feet high, looked up at me with the, "What's the matter Miss Carol?" look. I smiled and he smiled back. Dante is Banjo's side kick and is an old black lab mix. I think Dante must be 10 to 12 years old. He has a gray beard and walks slow and pees slow and does everything slow...even wags his tail slow. He smiled at me too.
The other day as I was walking some dogs, I thought how I'm back with animals again...like when I was a kid and spent so much time with horses. I spent time with dogs and cats too, but mainly horses. I never had any formal horse training. Never showed a horse. Never took riding lessons. The horse just grew underneath me, at least from as small as I remember. They were just always there, in the backyard pasture that belonged to some rich person that rented the pasture to old man Abernethy, our neighbor.
Mrs. Abernethy used to make homemade popsicles in small paper Dixie cups. I think she used Koolaid. She was a big woman, at least to my little self. She always wore a dress. I don't think she dipped snuff.
Ron's grandmother dipped snuff...and I don't think she wore panties under her dresses.
Ron was my boyfriend when I was 15 years old. He was the drug dealer. I used to bag the pot to sell. I had to make sure there were flowertops in every nickel or dime bag; he always liked customers to get their money's worth. Ron sold MDA, acid, mescaline, hashish. Not long after I broke up with Ron, he got busted with a crap load of PCP. My understanding is the cops found the PCP in Ron's car after they arrested Ron at someone's house; he was breaking and entering and trying to steal a TV or something. I wonder if the folks in the house owed Ron money?
I visited Ron in prison after that. I was involved with The Way when I visited him, so I witnessed the Word to him. He told me he had already spoken in tongues; that was after he'd spent time in solitary confinement and the prison had given him only a Bible to read.
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2 comments:
I've just come through a major triggering thing and again, with profound exhaustion I say, "I'm so tired. Every time I'm triggered, I go back through all the years and all the crap (I used another 4-letter word). I'm 55 and yet, here I go again, back through all the years, and before you know it, I'm 16, 15, 14 and so on and dealing with all the same stuff, over and over again. Stuff that has been dealt with and ironed out and yet, poof, in an instant, a moment, the blink of an eye, I'm gone . . . and again, "the past is the present."
I think of all the years I have invested in my health, physical, emotional and yes we'll throw in there, spiritual. I cannot shake this long-held, well-earned pattern. Often I'm embarrassed by my lack of success of fighting of the past that looms ever present but I must constantly remind myself that I have made progress and it's unlikely that I'll ever understand why all my attempts to rewire my brain still leaves me with such a heavy past presence.
My attempt at coming alongside of you and sharing what I think seems a bit similar in how we feel and how the past always is. Sending you warm thoughts and gentle hugs.
By serum sickness, do you mean from immunizations? I've heard this term used for people who have had reactions after being given vaccines. (Please don't feel you have to answer that if it's too private. Just showing my thinking as I read your post.)
Are you relieved that Knapp has taken down his stuff? Any idea as to why he did it?
"....I must constantly remind myself that I have made progress..."
I hear you. I think part of the responses must be a PTSD type thing.
(And now I think of that Virginia Slims advertisement song: "We've come a long way baby..." ;) )
Thanks for the warm thoughts and hugs. The same backatcha. :)
"Serum sickness." Technically, what I have is a "idiosyncratic serum sickness like response." Apparently, it can happen with most any drug. The drug I reacted to was the generic form of oral Lamisil. The symptoms were horrid this past spring and summer.
Here are a few posts I wrote previously:
entries about serum sickness & Lamisil
I started the steroids in mid-July and came off of them mid-August. But within 3 days, I felt the symptoms start again...with a vengeance. I just couldn't go back to how bad I had been previously; I just couldn't. So I started back on the steroids and worked my way down again but keeping on a low dose when I began to feel the symptoms.
I can feel symptoms in my hands and feet, but the symptoms are held at bay so to speak.
Others have had similar responses to the same drug. I'm thankful I had a good doc who figured it out.
Hmmm...on the Knapp posts. I guess it's more accurate to state they have been taken down; I assume he is the one that took them down. The posts are still viewable in cache and via an ISP address...so they are still up there. Just not as accessible.
Yes, I have felt some relief...if that's the right word. It's a good enough word for now. (My poor feeble brain is too tired to pinpoint a word.) At the same time...it all just feels like "yuck"...and I'm not sure what else.
Thanks again Zoe!
(I need to take a gander at your blog soon. My laptop is currently dead and my computer access is limited. Aargh.)
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