To write or not to write

10/06/11

This morning I was revisiting Knapp's blog post in which his title labels me "cyberstalker."

There are statements within the body of Knapp's post that I do not address in my response which I wrote on August 28. The statements I don't address are mainly the ones in Knapp's introduction and background. Statements that, from my perspective, are misleading or false.

As I was reading Knapp's introduction and background snippet this morning, I thought:

Geez. How can I ever relay what took place over the period of those six to seven days? There are over 100 email exchanges during that time. The conflict and heat were mainly between John and Lema. I didn't get angered until John's ultimatum email he sent at the end of the conflict, and even then, I tempered my anger. I'm not comfortable with anger; John knows that about me. He knows how I cower when people are angry and how anger can scare me - internal responses stemming back to my early childhood; my dad had a violent temper.

How can I share what happened? Is it even necessary? Few, or no one, would read it if I'd post it. If I post what I write, it would be public for anyone who would be interested. It would be from my perspective, not John's or Lema's. If I write in chronological order, what took place, it might be a good exercise for me...similar to when I wrote out the complaint. Plus I'd get it on record while the memories are still fresh...at least fresher than if I wait years to record it. If I write it, I'd include parts of the emails. If I write it, it'd be a mix of memoir style and narrative style.

Perhaps if I write it, some of the ruminating in my head will cease. Not all, but at least part.

I'd need to go back and be a fly on the wall, and at the same time be present with how I felt at the time. I'd have to include the times I didn't speak up, my thoughts at those times, my fears. Would I end up including the back story to that too? And the back story to my and John's developing relationships over the previous nine to twelve months? What if that would come up as I write? Do I include it?

I could always begin the project and keep it saved as a draft until I feel it's "finished."

"Finished." Like there ever really is such a thing.

One of my signature lines comes to mind: Is there ever a final draft?

And....I think of Rilke:
"I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."