First there were his initial blows. Verbal assaults with false accusations. Dehumanizing. Abandonment. Untruths. Rationalizing to another client. Lying to me in a voice mail. And whatever else.
Later there were the public smears. Lies upon lies about things he stated I had done which I hadn't done: such as legal threats, stalking, contacting his colleagues and clients, propositioning him for sex, and whatever else his mind could conjure up to make me out to be a person of great questionable character. He started a Facebook discussion about what a sick, perverted, psychopathic, crazy, professional victim (and other descript terms) I was.
Logically I know that the throws he exacted were projections. Almost everything (if not everything) he falsely accused myself (and others) of, he himself had engaged or was engaging in.
Yes, I still think about these things. I still feel the effects.
I continue to work on endeavoring to have compassion toward the perp, my ex-therapist Knapp.
I continue to work through the feeling of being marginalized by folks I once had warm relationships with; folks who are acquaintances/friends/cult-activists. Am I marginalized by those certain people? I don't know; but it feels that way...like I am tainted or something.
I'm less open than I once was. Some may say that's a good thing. Maybe so. I've mainly worn my heart on my sleeve most of my life. Now, I wear it more in a pocket.
I'm slowly relearning to trust again. Trust myself and others.
I'm much less trusting of people and their motives. In the past I thought the best of people. Now, I shy away from that. Not that I think evil of them; but I don't believe in people as much. I don't like that.
I guess it's another lesson upon life's pendulum that swings from left to right and eventually stops in the middle.
Yet when that pendulum stops, breath and heartbeat will also cease.
For now, I prefer the swing (and the circles) of the pendulum.
2 comments:
I know that feeling of being talked about and having absolutely no control over the situation. Even today I'm amazed that people don't know the truth of our situation. They think they know but they know nothing. Our past church did a whole revamping of a Sunday just to keep the church in order when we up and resigned our youth ministry positions. There was an awful price to pay for us and for those who sat in the congregation and believe the lies coming form the mouths of their leaders. It's mind-numbing when one wonders how another human being can do that to people. As I was learning to take a stand and create healthy boundaries for myself I received a 4-page scathing letter from my then so-called best-friend. In it she went after me like I was satan's right-hand demon. It was my husband who pointed out that she was projecting her own shit on to me. It wasn't me who was an "abominationg to God" (her words) but herself. She was after all in an adulterous affair with a pastor at the time. But any attempts to point this out to her made her worse. Didn't I know she loved him? I look back on that I see the wholesale sickness of it all.
I understand why it is that the Knapp thing is still with you. Yes, logically we get it, but our hearts, they were wounded. And it's logically difficult if not impossible to understand why a person would do that to another person . . . except to know that he was drowning and you were going down with him if it was the last thing he did. Those who dare to expose the truth will pay a price. Those who pay a price must find a way to overcome it all. Not easy. :-(
(((hugs))) Zoe...
Four pages is a long letter. :/ *gulp*
It is dysfunctional and sick.
I hate to admit, that I once treated folks in a similar manner. I didn't name call (that I recall), but I did "mark and avoid" people; ie: shunned them. :(
I only vaguely recall doing the following. The part I vaguely recall is consulting with my Way leadership on how to handle a letter I'd gotten from a friend who was made "mark and avoid" in The Way. She had sent me a handwritten letter via mail and I returned it to her unopened with "Mark and Avoid. Return to sender" written on the outside of the envelope.
She and I are now reconciled after I left The Way.
Interesting (and again 'sick') that the lady who wrote you rationalized her affair. Human, but wrong.
It's not so much the so-called "sin" of us or others that bothers me, it's the cover-up and hypocrisy. How folks can put their heads on their pillows at night when living such blatant lies boggles my head sometimes. Yet, somehow to them (or maybe at times even "us" if we are rationalizing our own cover ups), the lies are "reasons," or something.
Thinking about your situation a bit here...you were in a 'church,' not a 'cult.' The Way was called a 'cult' shortly after its early years. In one sense, it's more difficult for folks in a regular 'church' to come to grips with the emotional and psychological and spiritual and soul abuses. The white wash on the exterior portrays a 'normal' setting for Western hemisphere worship. (And now my brain is getting loopie thinking about that sentence.)
With the Knapp stuff, I guess its kinda similar. Here is a licensed therapist specializing in cult-recovery...from the outside a whitewash. I never, ever imagined in my wildest scenarios what would ultimately (or even initially) become of the situation.
Well, apologies for my rambling on.
And thank you again.
xoxo
PS: I love my "winkel" who is way down at the bottom of my sidebar. I bet winkel is friends with Z somewhere in the cybersphere. ;D
[I just discovered I have a "reply" to a particular comment on blogger. Hmm...Either I just saw that, or it's new, or something. I'm interested to see how it posts. ;D ]
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