AWW non-subject: I got older
a wednesday in june, 2012
I often think of myself as a late-bloomer, seeing as I don't credit myself for ever finding a career.
But the reality is that my "career" has been that of a mother.
October, 1983.
I stood in the warehouse area of the Outreach Services Center (OSC) at the The Way International headquarters in New Knoxville, Ohio.
Vehicles would drive into the warehouse, passengers being important leadership or family members of leadership or Bless Patrol staff or whomever was on tap to teach at a meeting. The warehouse is like the back stage entry to the building.
The warehouse is huge storing all the stuff for the yearly Rock of Ages festival that The Way hosts every August, at least from the 1970s and into the 1990s. The largest-attended Rock of Ages must have been sometime in the 80s, maybe. I don't know officially. I've read the highest attendance was around 20,000 people. Us believers would descend upon New Knoxville, Ohio. Way Headquarters, which once was a farm belonging to the Wierwille family, became tent and RV city.
Earlier that October, I had left my Way Corps duties at Headquarters, breaking my Way Corps commitment for a second time. I had left in a frenzied state, trying to flee from something which I couldn't identify at the time. It was deja vu, a repeat of when I left my Way Corps commitment the first time back in 1980. Like the first time, I didn't take time to pack my few belongings. I just left; AWOL. Unlike the first time I'd left when I had hitchhiked from Connecticut to North Carolina, this second time I had a car and had driven from Ohio to North Carolina.
Now I had returned to Headquarters, a couple weeks after leaving, to get the rest of my stuff.
John Lynn, the Ways Corps Coordinator, and I spoke as we stood beside one of the fleet vehicle station wagons in the OSC warehouse.
"You can stay, if you want. We haven't kicked you out." John was pragmatic as he spoke with me. Looking back, he was fatherly, in a sense. Like he understood that I AWOLed not because I was cruel or had evil motives, but rather because I was confused.
"But I want to have a family. That's all I really want. I want to get married and raise children." I responded nervously. Within me I knew that believers and leaders do have families. I just couldn't figure out how that could be done when I was supposed to have a sold-out commitment to being Corps. I couldn't handle all the standards. How could I love God with all my heart, soul, mind, strength and live the "It is Written" standard of the Way Corps and also have energy to love my family and raise my children?
"You can have a family. Lots of Way Corps get married and have children." John echoed my thoughts.
"I can't do it."
"I don't want to stay."
I can almost see John's head nodding as I spoke.
"Well," he responded, "I'm not going to tell you that you will die or have horrible things happen to you if you leave The Corps. I don't think that will happen."
I nodded in agreement. I knew that sometimes bad things do happen to people when they break their commitments to God and the Household. On the other hand, I believed God was bigger than that. Apparently Rev. Lynn did too.
God still loves me, I thought. God is all love and in Him is no darkness at all. None.
I recall a pause of silence.
"I just want you to know the door is open, if you want to stay. We love you." Rev. Lynn's parting words.
I don't think I ever spoke with John Lynn after that.
I appreciated his words.
I doubt he remembers the incident.
I was a little fish in a big pond.
_____________________
7 comments:
Beautiful musings about the struggle of giving up something you felt obligated too. I'm not familiar with The Way so don't know anything about it. I'm assuming it is a religion of sort with missionarys of sort, from what you write.
I knew when I was a little girl the only vocation I wanted was to be a mother like mine and my grandma's. I was offered the chance to become a nun but turned that down in a hurry. I married my senior year of high school and by the time my husband graduated from college, I was pregnant with our fourth child...and eventually had a fifth.
I still believe motherhood was my true vocation, but when the marriage fell apart, not having a college degree to fall back on was tough going for awhile.
Then I was forced to leave my religion I had depended on for solace. I now believe all our trials and tribulations are lessons we need to learn to reach "enlightment."
Great luck on you journey. You write from the heart and that is good.
Thank you Anna!
I recently ordered your book from Amazon. It is on my to-read list. I'm a slow book reader these days...due to other life responsibilities. That said, I look forward to reading it and learning about your journey.
I've read a bit about your family on your blog. What a beautiful family!!
I sometimes have to remind myself that I've been given my life's dream...one (dream) which was to be able to raise my children in a wholesome manner. It wasn't perfect, by any means, but it was wholesome and I was able to be with them all along the way...and with their father (my husband).
That brings to mind a poem I wrote a couple years back:
Progeny
As far as The Way, yes, it is a religious organization that many consider a cult. As I've been known to say, "One man's religion is another man's cult." (Man used as inclusive for hu-manity.)
My heart goes out to you that you were forced to leave that which had brought you so much comfort.
Thank you again Anna!!! I look forward to reading your book in the not-too-distant future.
To life!
~Carol :)
PS: I've linked a couple links below that might explain The Way a little bit and that part of the journey (thus far), when/if you have the time and energy. ;)
Three part narrative with Parts 2 and 3 linked along:
Seeking: Life Along The Way [Part 1]
Addendum to the 3-part narrative:
Healing the Soul ~ Healing the Body
John Lynn was very nice to me when I left The Way Corps also. We have stayed in touch...SP
Carol, thanks so much for ordering my "true confession" memoir. It may shock you, as it has others...but it was the life I lived.
When I began it, I knew to tell the agonizing story that inspired me to write it, I would have to confess all my sins in order to feel comfortable about writing about others that affected me.
Yes, it was difficult, at first, to give up my religion, but as I delved into religious research to compensate, I found peace with God I had never felt before.
I will check out the links, always curious to find out about other religions that have affected people. They all do, either for good or bad. All we can do in the end, is make the best of what we learn.
Blessings Always,
Anna
Hey Anna!
Yes, I hear you. I too have to tell about my 'dark' side in my writing; otherwise, I'm not real or true to myself. I hid in my journals for so many years. I still do occasionally. But much of it ends up coming out into more public view.
I look forward to reading your confessions in your book. It may be another month before I begin to read it. :)
Thanks again!
~Carol
Hey SP!
I recall that part of your story.
I let John know about this piece I'd written here. I don't know if he's read or will read it...but I dropped him a line on the Corps site to let him know. I doubt he remembers me as there were so many people in the Corps and beyond the Corps.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
~Carol :)
Post a Comment