To post or not to post...

authentic writing workshop, 10/25/17
non-subject: storm brewing

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I'm tired. A thousand things come into my head to write about. Not really a thousand, but a shitload.
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Between October 14th and October 21st I wrote three different blog posts about Trump. Even though it was only one week's time, it felt longer - I think because of my struggle with whether or not to voice more Trump thoughts on my blog, how much to voice, and trying to put into coherent words many of the thoughts that had been scrambling around in my head.

On October 14th I wrote a piece entitled Demand for purity. I went into detail about my thoughts regarding the recent controversy of the State trying to coerce private business into requiring employees to express loyalty to the State anthem and flag. Such coercion brings to mind a "demand for purity." As my manner is, and not that I like it, I ended up over-explaining the dialog in my head.

In that same piece I wrote about Trump's assertion that mainstream media is the "enemy of the people." I consider his continued ravings against the news media as an attempt at information control. I pondered how Trump's information control compares to that of previous administrations. I mentioned Trump's narcissism and pondered how it compares with other presidents. I pondered why Trump causes me so much angst.

At the end of the piece I listed Dr. Robert J. Lifton's theory of the Eight Criteria for Thought Reform. "Demand for purity" and "control of information" are part of his eight criteria. Lifton is a psychiatrist who, among other things, studied the effects of thought reform on POWs from the Korean war. I first read some of Lifton's works after I left The Way and began educating myself about cults, group-think, brainwashing, coercive persuasion, et al.

I didn't post the October 14th piece.

On October 18th I wrote another blog-post-that-never-became-a-blog-post. In this second piece I describe what I wrote about in the first blog-post-that-never-became-a-blog-post, condensing the subjects into a few paragraphs.

I wrote a bit more about Trump as a sociopath. I included links to symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder - the disorders associated with psychopathy and sociopathy, subjects which I read about in depth after my bizarre Knapp experience as I endeavored to wrap my head around what had happened. The only plausible explanation I came up with was a personality disorder or sociopathy or psychopathy, which also explains behaviors of certain top leaders in The Way. Trump displays the same traits. In the piece I stated that if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it probably is a duck. I entitled the piece, Donald Duck.

But, I never posted the October 18th piece.

On October 21st I wrote a third piece spring-boarding off my second blog-post-that-never-became-a-blog-post. But this time, I threw off the psychology experts. I wanted to write my own words, my own descriptions, what I've learned from my personal experience.  I entitled the piece Abnormal normals.

At first I didn't post the piece. What difference would it make? Would I feel I'm just hollering into a well? My blog is not on search engines, and it gets read by very few. How vulnerable would I feel after posting it? Would I feel self-conscious for four or five days? What if some people do read and comment and I feel I have to defend my opinion and position?  Should I just keep my mouth shut? By keeping quiet, am I allowing the silencing girth to bind me?

Such were some of the contemplations rolling through my head.

On October 22nd I ended up in a conversation discussing my quandary. The listener gave me more to ponder. As a result of that conversation and the more-pondering, I put a few more edits on the 3rd piece and posted it the morning of October 23rd. But I left the published-post-date as October 21st, since that was when I wrote the piece.

To my surprise, instead of feeling vulnerable and self-conscious, I felt lighter. I wondered, Maybe it's not such a bad thing to dump my Trump thoughts every so often on my blog.

The self-consciousness and self-doubt did raise their heads the next day. But not too loudly or harshly.

I wonder why posting has a more burden-lightening effect than keeping my thoughts private in a journal? Perhaps it has something to do with the silencing factor.

After leaving The Way, where I had lived silence for so long, a friend said to me, "The silence has been deafening, no?"

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In the October 21st piece I state, "In my experience, sociopaths are mercurial creatures..."

Three days later on October 24th, Senator Jeff Flake addressed the Senate stating he would not run for re-election and why, expressing his concerns and misgivings about the current administration. Flake used that same word, "mercurial," in one of his statements addressing Trump's behavior, specifically Trump's tweets and their consequences. Flake stated, "The notion that we should say or do nothing in the face of such mercurial behavior is ahistoric and, I believe, profoundly misguided."

His use of that same word arrested my attention and caused me to pause, yet again...

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