As I ponder the harm Knapp inflicted upon my psyche, an image appears in my mind.
I stand on a man-made path of dirt and rock in a wide open tunnel on a ledge hewn out from the wall of a dark, mammoth, stone mountain.
I am alone.
The only light is from the burning torch which I carry in my left hand.
On my right, the mountain wall ascends until it disappears converging somewhere above me.
On my left, a stacked-rock wall reaches to my thigh.
Beyond the thigh-high wall, an abyss descends to a bottom I cannot see.
Suddenly the mental image changes to outside the mountain, where I am not.
The exterior is a huge, jagged rock.
There is no vegetation; no life.
Smoke ascends from the mountain-top.
The atmosphere is foreboding, like a storm that never manifests; it only threatens.
The sky is dismal with dark clouds, not quite night, but not twilight either.
The time of day never changes, nor the weather, except for occasional lightning.
It is a dark land.
It's Mordor, my thoughts respond.
I'm not a Tolkien aficionado; my knowledge of Middle Earth is limited.
But I recall that Mordor is a land of darkness.
And that is where I found myself - deep inside a gigantic, dark mountain in a dark land.
A dark land of self-doubt, of anti-trust.
Self-doubt was one of the main reasons I hired Knapp in 2008.
At the time, I felt I was listening to my inner GPS.
I thought I was following my intuition.
And that is one big reason I was so deeply wounded.
Had I misunderstood?
Or worse, Was my intuition, which I deeply felt I had followed, not to be trusted in any manner?
How can I ever trust my self again?
Has my soul betrayed me again like it did with The Way?
That was the most destructive wound from Knapp's daggers.
A piercing and bleeding out of an already-wounded soul.
A murder of trust in, what and who should be, my closest ally.
And then, as I pondered this recently, the possibility hit me.
What if I did hear my intuition correctly?
What if I hadn't hired Knapp?
Would someone else have reported him?
Would his attacks have devastated them to the point that they would have been silenced?
Would he have wounded more clients than just myself and at least one other that I know of?
Would I have learned more succinctly the nature of evil, that what appeared as goodness with the best of intentions was in reality, a cloak?
Would I have questioned as much as I have that possible nature?
Seems I would have learned that lesson about evil from my 28 years in The Way, before hiring Knapp.
And I did learn, among other things, about deception and the cloak.
But with Knapp, with Knapp, I experienced the dagger.
With Knapp I was led down a yellow brick road but instead of landing in an Emerald City and uncloaking a wizard behind a curtain that eventually led to home, I found myself alone - standing inside a huge tunnel hewn from the belly of a mammoth, fiery mountain - baffled and confused.
Ultimately, I was not lost in the dark tunnel in the mountain of doom.
I have found my way out.
I had a torch for light, a flicker of intuitive guidance.
The murder was not complete.
But if I believe that I fell in with Knapp because I would be the one to report him, would I not have to believe in some sore of divine providence?
That poses a problem for me.
I'll need to find another interpretation.
A friend, who also experienced therapist abuse, calls it sanctuary abuse.
An apt description.
The body is designed to heal itself and it does a damn good job when given the proper environment.
What about the soul?
~*~*
I saw a Mary Oliver quote this morning.
It rolled across my Twitter-feed after I wrote the above.
No comments:
Post a Comment