16 Steps vs 12 Steps // Victimhood

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Recently I read the journal entries (from July, 2004) posted below. I asked the author, Reg Borrow, for permission to copy and paste them here. I had never heard of the 16 Steps until reading about them in Reg's posts.

Reg gives a great analysis/summary that resonated deeply with me and is another helpful tool in the recovery tool box. Reg continues with Christianity, and thus has adapted the 16 steps for a Christian to utilize based on scripture. Though I don't subscribe to some of the same beliefs as Reg, I still find his sharings important and applicable to my own recovery.

For discussions on a forum where Reg posted these journal entries, click here: "16 Steps vs 12 Steps" and here: "Victimhood"

Click here for Reg's adaption of the 16 steps: "16 Steps - Modified with Scriptures"

Thanks Reg! :-)
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By Reg Borrow:

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July 27/04 - 16 Steps vs 12 Steps (Part 1)

In reading the book "Many Roads - One Journey" I read on page 48 where it talks about a new group that uses the 16 Steps I gave to two leaders in our church. After nearly a year I have received NO FEEDBACK! even though I asked for some. The 16 Steps help move people who have moved to [Stage 4: Late Adolescence and Early Adulthood, The Critic: Ages sixteen - twenties and thirties] of their faithing (journey of faith) and are no longer dependent on a traditional 12 Step program. They have moved past a dependency level of a Program to one of personal empowerment and one that honours their own wisdom & internal strength. Dependency on an external set of rules or dogma needs to be replaced thusly if one is going to grow & mature into someone with a healthy ego that has an autonomy balanced with interdependency. Such a program of 16 Steps that moves beyond the rigid 12 Step program is necessary to develop a person's God-given potential here and now. Through such a program, people will be empowered to find their own unique place in the Universe. Instead of rigidity to a traditional 12 Step mantra, they will be encouraged to think for themselves and question those things that don't "feel" right.

We cannot slide into a dangerous one-size-fits-all mode that is sure to be wrong for many people. If we remember the overall goals are to alleviate people's suffering, we can put our rigid egos aside and ask, "What works? What doesn't work?" Are there ways support groups could be more effective, possibly for different groups of people such as those who have been spiritually abused? Because of my two years in Celebrate Recovery as the Assimilator Coach, CR is NOT the place for the spiritually abused. A program embracing the 16 Steps that is more flexible and doesn't insist on rigid conformity is what is needed to help them move past the pain and trauma they suffered from the last group they left. Only such a program can give them the support they need to help them begin to "Trust" again. This is one of their greatest needs, to have their "trust muscle" healed at the deepest level of their being. They need an Authentic, caring place based on LOVE! Love creates TRUST! It helps move us beyond our fears. Love leads to a state of openness grounded in faith. A faith that acknowledges that the life we have is a miracle of God and we are His children. This FAITH & LOVE leads to the knowledge that despite our many differences, we share a common heritage and a desire for LOVE, PURPOSE AND COMMUNITY that connects us to our fellow man. If we fear, it blocks love. We have to express our fears in a knowledgeable "SAFE" and I mean "REALLY SAFE" group(s) to move past those blockages of love in order to feel the healing POWER OF CHRIST'S LOVE enter as a healing balm. A balm that one feels deeply within to the point of tears at the wonderment of it. It is this experience of abuse that Jesus understands deeply and is closely and intimately sensitive to the Spiritually Abused because He paid the ultimate price confronting the established religious system of His day. He was the most abused of us all to the point of the Cross and His crucifiction.

We need to find ways to create SAFETY in these 16 Step recovery (uncover/discover) groups so there are fewer instances of CONTROL, ALIENATION & EXPLOITATION. All of these are areas the spiritually abused understand completely. We need to instill in people a sense of internal power that they lack in their "POWERLESSNESS". It is this attitude that fosters a new dependency on their recovery groups. Recovery grounded on fear does not lead to the development of a healthy aware ego (self-image).

We will remain as children tied to a 12 Step program because we have not internalized our own belief systems and have given this power to another person or program. We need to be mature people who live by their own internal morals and authority. The 16 Steps will focus on being HEALTHY, spent with/where people are supportive,. flexible & caring. It will help a person fill in some missing pieces from their childhood and move forward in their relationship with God and their fellow man. It cannot be rigid and dogmatic which will only reinforce the rigid, authoritarian faith/group/church/cult they left or rather escaped from that was full of legalism.

To lock them into a similar 12 Step program will present too many triggers that will make them withdraw. While initially it may seem to help them, they will eventually leave because they realize they have to stuff too much to stay connected to the group at the cost of their human development. By staying locked in a rigid box/set of rules and authority like the controlling group/church/cult they left, they will continue to stuff and not advance in their healing. Eventually they will leave when it becomes too unbearable.

The need to heal and form trusting bonds again is PARAMOUNT to their recovery. This occurs at a very deep spiritual level. They need to learn what LOVE is, all over again. They need to have people who are willing to listen to them without interruption. This will demonstrate to them love in action when they sense real compassion, humility, kindness and most of all a validity and understanding of the trauma and pain they experienced. They need to find a place where they can be free to express their feelings. What they really feel without stuffing. Feelings by themselves are not wrong. They are real. They need to be felt. However, what we do about them can be quite another thing. Expressed in an understanding group can defuse much of the negative downside of that problem.

Solutions have to "feel" right for each individual if they are truly going to last. They need to be more than "bandage" therapy solutions. If there is little room for questioning, then a certain fear sets in that leads on to believe that the program is unchangeable or the leader/facilitator is too controlling. This is very triggering for the spiritually abused. Conformity has been a standard way we have sidestepped confrontation. It has been what has caused us our pain initially when we got out of step with our former groups and made us "one of them" so we will avoid confrontation at all costs. We do not want to take a backward step in our journey and enter a program at a more mature level of our faithing by being asked to go back to a more childlike state of faith in order to get well. We understand that our attitude needs to be childlike yet that trust is what has been violated and to have others insist we have to trust them and what they say has to be earned. To do so would mean to trade in our personal identity and attach to "The Program". If there isn't room for shades of gray, then there isn't room for the Spiritually Abused. Instead of giving people "pat" answers, it can be healing & strengthening to ask some questions such as "What seems to help you the most? What do you think? and then REALLY LISTEN! This will take a long time and can be frustrating for those in leadership positions.

We cannot allow dependency to go too far that leads to conformity, harmony & agreement. This leads to group symbiosis & dependency. Instead of "growing" within a Community of like believers, a person's identity becomes dependent on belonging to a group and they fail to honour their own wisdom and internal strength. This leads us back to fear.

Although small groups have an immense capacity for healing, it is important that we not attribute this healing capacity solely to a 12 Step program. In these programs, people in recovery from their many and several addictions & dysfunctions have replaced their dependency on them to that of a healthy dependency on their group. But this dependency can go too far. We need to have our own internal sense of power and realize, in the end, we are responsible for our own recovery (uncover and discover). We need to honour our own internal compass and respect our own wisdom & internal strength. If it doesn't "feel" right, it probably isn't for us. Our "gut" feelings have often been right in the past and we ignored them only to our own hurt. We cannot afford to do so in the future. The cliche' "Be true to thine own self" is what we ignored in the past and lead us or allowed ourselves to be abused. We were subtly deceived to abandon our "critical thinking process". To do that is dangerous. Victimization is the result and there are too many out there who will take advantage of this for their own purposes.


July 27/04 - 16 Steps vs 12 Steps (Part 2)

The questions we, the spiritually abused, have and pose, need to be heard and a reasonable attempt to answer them has to be put forward. If we are dissed in any way, shape or form we will withdraw. We will be gone and lost to the influence of those who lead recovery groups for good. To restore a trust we believe has been violated will be virtually impossible for someone who has suffered from spiritual abuse. We need to be FREE THINKERS and any attempt to "control" us will trigger us and bring anger and resentment within us. It will close down lines of communication. It seems, only those who have been spiritually abused and understand this sacred trust should be in positions of leadership in a 16 Step program. If not, we will eventually lose interest in the people who cannot understand our inner yearning, confusion and disillusionment!

The 16 Step program needs to lead people to a level of transformation and maturity where they no longer need a 12 Step group identity. They will arrive at the point where they see their own unique place in God's creation and the purpose for their lives. They then will move forcibly forward empowered by this passion and sense of mission to fulfill their God-given destinies to become part of the solution ushering in God's Kingdom on earth. They can't go back to a program of dependency because they know too much. One more thing. In this awareness, they also discover, unfortunately, many people are content to settle for the "status quo" who don't want to confront the system and move forward. This has been frustrating for us as we are often looked upon as a special elite who are perceived as having special knowledge with big egos. Although because of our experiences and trauma, there may be some justification for that kind of thinking by others, we don't feel better or superior with inflated egos. We just feel "DIFFERENT"! A unique, one-of-a-kind creation of God.


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