Prissy Prudes and Gremlins

****
Click here to read about an introduction to memoir: Journey through Memoir: Introduction .
****
Following is a memoir piece about something very recent. I highly recommend reading the short memoir piece Prissy Prudes by author, Fred Poole.
****

I was in quandary and was perhaps beginning the slippery slope down episode lane. I had been here before. O.K. Time to pull out the tool box.

"STOP!" I firmly told myself.

They were here again, the gremlins of self-accusation, doubt, but not quite loathing. I didn't want to go that far...into the loathing. *sigh*

"You're not important. You have nothing of value to say. None of what you do really matters." They snickered and whispered, like gossipy town chatter in secret corners.

I was able to hold them at bay and get to sleep that night. I awoke the next day, still having trouble. I challenged the thoughts, talking myself through the day.

"STOP!"
"My life is my life. My experiences are my experiences. They are valid. On them, I am an authority."
"A million decisions and circumstances have led to this moment."

I began to type a blog, challenging my various thoughts. Putting the accusations into questions that I could counter. I was tripping over my words; the doubting continued. I clicked "save now" to perhaps publish the draft later.

I emailed my therapist whom I had emailed the night before with an upcoming disturbing excerpt from the journal I'm transcribing. It's not unusual for me to email him with how I handle certain issues/triggers as they come up, mainly for notes for our next session. If I need him, we are usually able to work out a time on the phone.

In the email I wrote:
"Thinking about the [upcoming journal] entry I sent: on the positive side it shows my creativity with the pen. ... I mean, it is quite descript.

On another note, I feel myself drifting into self-judging/doubting which can lead to dissociation, which could lead to a reaction. So I'm using radical acceptance and I'm challenging the gremlins. I'm writing. It's not a thought record, but is similar, in that I'm dialoging with the accuser gremlins countering the thoughts. I'm staying away from my journal for the day..I think. I have my writing workshop tonight which always, always empowers and validates me."

I was the first person on the phone line for the workshop. Fred, the director, was there second. I had some questions about writing some stuff online; some things I was uncomfortable about. Since it was just Fred and I, I mentioned them. Oh good. He would be able to talk to me about it later.

I had written my assignment piece for the workshop that evening; it was about when I ODed on jimson seed when I was 15. I'd thought about writing about that for some time. I had written a poem about it a couple years ago, but never a memoir or even a narrative. I thought my memoir piece for the evening sounded stupid. Who would believe this stuff anyway? I laid my fears aside and read it aloud for the workshop, as we do every week. The responses were motivating and empowering. Wow. Maybe it didn't sound so stipud after all.

My doubts were fading.

The workshop continued with the participants reading the pieces they'd written. We took our break to write some more. After 30 minutes we were back on the phone to read the pieces we had just written.

More validation. Deep breath. This felt good. I love to write real stuff.

Fred shared his piece last. As he read, most all my burden of the previous self-doubt lifted. The participants chuckled as Fred read some of his memoir piece, his gentle voice putting the right inflections just where they were needed.

"Boy, did I need to hear that!" I responded. I wasn't the only one that felt that way.

I sat down at my computer and pulled up that draft. Conversing with Gremlins, the delivery was complete! I was able to counter those little debils and click "publish now." Yay!

Prissy Prudes and Gremlins. That might make a funny Pixar movie.

*****