Conversing with Gremlins

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One of my inspirations that has led to blogging my story is Marta Szabo, author of "The Guru Looked Good." I read Marta's critics before I ever ordered Marta's book. I wonder if the critics even read the book? The criticism seems off subject in that the criticism sounds as if the content of the book wasn't read. At least that is the way it seems to me. I thought the same when I read critics of Kristin Skedgell's memoir, "Losing the Way."

Why is it that people want to suppress others' stories? What are people afraid of?

Those are somewhat rhetorical questions. But really, think about it. This is life. Life is filled with torture, horror, joy, exuberance, miracles, mundane, relationships, affairs, childbirths, deaths, tenderness, intimacy, abuse, sunshine, tornadoes. The list goes on and on. It's real. For all I know this life on earth might be all I have.

Sometimes I want to shout with all my lungs can muster, "Don't hold me down!" And then quietly state, "Let me be me."

What I write may not be popular. What I write may sound unreal. What I write may bore someone to tears. It doesn't matter. It's my story. For me to write is part of my life. I cannot hide it in my journals and in secret places anymore.

I have taken on a project of transcribing one of my journals. I decided to transcribe this particular journal online in public view. Of course I have doubts about that. As my manner is, I doubt and question my motives. I'm been well trained to do that, to question my motives.

So what have been some of the questions/accusations from the gremlins that sometimes visit the dark spaces in my mind? Often times these gremlins take on the voices of people who have, over the years, offered unsolicited advice as these people were much "wiser" than I. Usually when I followed that kind of advice, it ended up to my detriment.

Read on to meet a few gremlins. (My gremlins look like tiny shreks except they are multi-colored with polk-a-dots. What color are yours? ;-)

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Gremlin: "You are doing this just to draw attention to yourself. It's a selfish, prideful act."

My answer: My life is my life. My past is my past. My experiences are my experiences. On those I am an authority.

It seems if I really wanted to draw attention to myself, I'd broadcast in a different way...like send an announcement out to all my email contacts or buy an advertisement with google. But even if I do that, so what?!? Why does it matter?

Besides, maybe I need a little more selfishness and pride in my life. Ha!

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Gremlin: "So why are you doing it? Huh? Is it really wise to broadcast your life on the web?!? Anyone can take what you say and use it against you. What about your kids? What about your job? What about your family?"

My answer: I'm doing it for at least a few reasons:

1) To neutralize the events for me. I can write and write and write in my own little world. But when I make it public, I face a larger reality. Yes, I do make myself more vulnerable. Yet, for me, I also take away some of the power my shame holds over me.

2) For others who can perhaps relate to what the experiences were and/or are like. I've read many people's stories that are 'far worse' than what I'm putting out there. Their stories inspire me, motivate me, cause my heart to weep and to rejoice. I've corresponded one on one with some of the authors of those stories. Our lives are our stories. Everyone has one. Every story is worthy.

3) Because I want to. Like a painter wants to paint and show her work; I want to write my story. Will I ever put it in a book. I don't know. At this point that isn't a concern for me.

Besides, I'm not broadcasting my life on the web, just parts of it. My husband knows everything I am posting. My children know most of it. My boss thinks it's great I'm putting stuff on the web in regard to cult life and recovery and other stuff. On another note, not that many people will probably ever read it. So just calm down there, Gremlin.

As far as using it against me? Yes, that can happen. In fact, my past has been used against me before ever posting anything on the web. Another side of the coin is, I am the one telling it; not someone else. I'm not hiding it. Screw the secret so-called sins of my life. Everyone has them. Hmm I wrote a poem along those lines, Open Hands.

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Gremlin: "What about people that were involved in the situations and read your stuff? What if it hurts them, brings up bad memories or emotions? Do you really want to cause that pain?"

My answer: This is one of the hardest for me; it really is. I don't want to cause pain. But am I the one causing it? Or is it that our society doesn't honor the grieving process, but rather wants to 'be strong' and go on with life as normal? Is it from stigma and labels that humans use against one another causing fear of various kinds, mainly of rejection, disapproval, not belonging? All the while, in the background, is buried pain and hurt that hasn't been dealt with.

Life is a series of losses. Losses can be a bridge to loving and living life even more.

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Here Gremlins, have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some dark chocolate. It will make you feel better. Wash it all down with milk and then sit here and watch Mowgli and Baloo. :-)



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Click here to read: Prissy Prudes and Gremlins, a memoir piece.

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