Round #12(a): May 16 through June 27, 2016, rally sheet

Okay.
I'm starting my next round between epidurals.
The entire round will be finished on August 8, 2016, when I will receive my next epidural which will be Epidural #13.
The first part of Round #12 will be up on June 27, 2016, when I will receive my neck shots.
I began receiving epidurals in January, 2014.

Some of my focal points this round are acceptance, surrender, allowing grief, and gaining more peace and emotional strength.
Probably kind of in that order.

I must confess, I am tired of this struggle.
Currently there is no prognosis, no end in sight.
But there will be an end at some point.
There is always an end.

Every 12-week round I gain function at the beginning, and then begin to lose function as the effects wear off.
That has always been the pattern.
It's hard to describe what I go through.
It's kind of like having a baby every 12 weeks, except it's not.

The last weeks of each 12-week round, I become quite depressed.
I sometimes become angry, if I have the energy.
I become more isolated.
Life becomes even harder with what-should-be the simplest of tasks.

When I am a couple days from receiving my epidural, I go from despair to hope.
Along with the hope comes nervousness and anxiety, every time.
I converse with myself, every time.

"What if it doesn't work this time?"
"Carol, it always works."
"What if Doc decides he's not giving me anymore?"
"He has assured you that won't be the case."
"Well. I've been told similar in the past by other health professionals. And those assurances were false."
"He's not one of those."
"Yes, that is true. But what if my diagnosis is changed again? Or there could come a time that Doc says "no more" for certain protocol reasons. Or he might move or something. What if the next doctor would deny you epidurals?"
"Well, those are possibilities. So, you would just have to accept where you are and manage the best you can."

And after the hope of relief, (which I always get)...
And after feeling the initial nervousness, (which always subsides after I get my injections)...
And after the dialog with myself....
The despair lifts a bit.

This past Saturday, 5/14, as I felt the anxiety mixed with hope about my epidural on 5/16, I went from feeling quite desolate to feeling alive, in an instant.

It startled me, catching my immediate attention.
And I thought through the pattern mentioned above.

The pattern is like this:
Loss of function
Anger
Depression
Anxiety
Hope
Acceptance

And I thought, Maybe this is like a mini-grief cycle.
Because each time, after the relief and gain of function, comes the loss of function and pain.
It is loss. Big time loss.
And I grieve.

So I want to better manage, listen, and definitely honor that process.

And that is one of my main focuses this round:
How can I better manage post-Weeks Nine through Twelve?

A fellow sojourner turned me onto a new analogy that I really, really like.
It's called Spoon Theory, originated by Christine Miserandino.
Here's a link to the the birth of Spoon Theory. 

A spoon represents energy deposits, and the tasks the energy is used for.
Certain tasks costs such-and-such amount of spoons.
The amount of spoons it may take for these tasks can change each day.

I have gotten into the habit of subjectively calculating my energy allotments.
Spoons might be a fun analogy and different way to think about my calculations.
It's still a subjective scale but with an objective analogy.

Plus, spoons are cool. They are gentle utensils, mostly. Not sharp like knives and forks.
And then there is spooning.
And spoon art, spoon jewelry, commemorative spoons.
I'm sure I'l think of more spoon nuances.

Here we go....

My rally sheet below, for Round #12, 3rd (A) quarter, 2016...

*~*
*~*

May 16, 2016 through June 27, 2016

Focus...
Mindset for upcoming Weeks 9 thru 12
Accept it: Function will diminish. I am allowed to grieve the loss.
Accept it: I will feel isolated. Have gratitude that I can still feel.
Accept it: I only have so many spoons.
Notice: What I can do now that I couldn't last year.
Notice: How many spoons I have each day.
Recall: How far I've gotten.
Recall:: Good memory bank: Family. AT. Roan. Grayson. Pets. Olivia. Edward.

Mindfulness
Meditate upon peace
Laugh regularly
The to-do-without list: 3 things max
Surrender
Success

You just begin. That's all it is... Mark Watney: Botanist, Space Pirate, Ironman
My body is the Galaxy.
The Guardians are my immune system.
We are Groot. And the Guardians on OUR side.
Guardians win. And Gomora kicks ass.

Move daily...
Synergetics: If I feel like it
Cycling with Olivia: 185 miles

Countdown:
Week 1: Begins: M, 5/16/16 ... Completed: M, 5/23/16
Week 2: Begins: M, 5/23/16 ... Completed: M, 5/30/16
Week 3: Begins: M, 5/30/16 ... Completed: M, 6/06/16
Week 4: Begins: M, 6/06/16 ... Completed: M, 6/13/16

Week 5: Begins: M, 6/13/16 ... Completed: M, 6/20/16 (Becky, 6/16/16)
Week 6 Begins: M, 6/20/16 ... Completed: M, 6/27/16 (Neck shots)

Continue...
Disability papers
Taxes
Filing system: medical financials, pet sitting

Keep up the good work...
Pet sitting
Bills, Toilets, Kitchen sink & counter.
Laundry when able.

Carol, CEO
cyclist. explorer. overcomer.

*~*