Wanting to believe...

The trauma I experienced at the hands of John Knapp ran, and still runs, deep.

Some may wonder, Why ain't she over that yet?  If so, they'll have to keep wondering.

It was beyond difficult for me to wrap my head around Knapp's lies and manipulations. The experience silenced me and caused me to doubt my reality. It was similar to leaving behind a belief system on which a person based their reality. 

When Trump was elected, it stirred up the Knapp-trauma. Why? Because of the similarities in the way Knapp and Trump manipulate, traits that are standard for antisocial and extreme narcissistic personality disorders. Traits that are standard for sociopathic/psychopathic personalities. 

I am not alone in my response. I've read and heard of multiple accounts of others who experienced sociopathic trauma in the past who have had a similar response as I to Trump. So maybe it's a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Prior to Knapp's harm, even while coming to terms with abuses and lies of top leaders in The Way, I believed that people were born on a level playing field in regard to morality. That each person is born with a sinful nature but also with a hunger for God and goodness. That, if in an evil-doer's shoes and similar circumstances (birth, family of origin, genetic package, culture, etc.), I may have fared no better. That there but for the grace of God, go I. That I am not inherently better than those who manipulate others as pawns in a game to promote the manipulator's appearance and advantage. I would recall my own sins, considering my own hypocrisy, to try and help balance my own "righteous" judgment (or misjudgment) toward those who were, or at least appeared to be, chronic abusers and evil-doers.

But maybe my judgement didn't need balancing? Maybe it needed to recognize evil for what it is and that some people are incapable of behaving otherwise. Perhaps they cannot change. Easy enough, right?

A couple days ago I was pondering all this (along with other life experiences and the many sexual abuse/harassment allegations in recent news), when I recalled a poem I'd written in 2007 while I was studying different scriptural interpretations outside of Way doctrine, at the time wanting to maintain my belief in a personal God of "unconditional love" that aligned with biblical scripture. In my quest I learned about Christian Universalism and landed in that camp for awhile. When I wrote the poem I had Hitler in mind, from a Christian Universalist perspective.

As of this writing I no longer subscribe to biblical beliefs, but if I were to again enter that realm I would lean toward Christian Universalism. 

Every person has had at least one person that loved them.

At least, I want to believe that is the case.

~*~

Will There Be?

Every individual
that ever drew a breath
had someone who loved them.

No matter the committed crime,
no matter any grave atrocity,
no matter which unpardonable sin...
someone, somewhere
loved her, loved him.

As naive as it may be
as childish as it seems
my great hope is
that somehow, someway
even the heinous soul
shall one day be redeemed.

Will there be an hour
with every soul united
to a mother's love?

Will there be a time
with every soul united
to a father's hope?

Whether right or wrong,
I want to believe 'tis so.
For now I'll continue to dream;
for now I'll continue to hope.


september 16, 2oo7


Inspired by Tom Talbott, specifically some of his thoughts regarding Hitler.

~*~