aww - november 17, 2010
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So me, what to write now.
I still feel like writing.
What else. What have some other thoughts been the last few weeks.
Well, I think now about what Joe stated...maybe to put the focus on myself to help assure me and to help clarify my feelings. I don't know how much I can do that. I won't be too concerned about it, because I don't want to stifle anything that may come off the keyboard.
Many of my thoughts the past weeks have been on tiny red flags I felt along the way with Knapp - that I ignored. And times (in hindsight) I wasn't true to myself, that I didn't speak up or ask questions.
I too often think others are right, and I am wrong. And I stay quiet. Hm. Sometimes that is the thing to do. Sometimes it's not. You're human Carol; it's o.k.
On the other hand, I did speak up to Knapp regarding my discomfort about my positions on the board and the (developing) non-profit. But, there were things during the conflict he had with Lema that I didn't speak up about. That doesn't mean I blame myself for Knapp's actions. Yet I want to learn from it all. I want to recognize and be aware when I feel *caught*. To remember to connect with my heart. To speak clearly. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
The times I didn't speak up with Knapp, why didn't I? What did I feel at those times? Hm. Those times were mainly during the conflict Knapp was having with Lema. And when I took on the role of "creative director" for the board & the developing Knapp Center.
So Carol, why didn't you say more? What were you thinking/feeling then, at those points where you didn't speak up?
Fear of rejection? I had written Knapp just before the conflict started between he and Lema. I wrote to Knapp that I was having a difficult time approaching him. Even when I wrote him that, my actual verbatim thought was that "I'm getting mixed messages from Knapp," but I was afraid to state it that way - I thought that it was just me, that I was mind reading or something. Knapp was so busy and stressed; I felt I was bothering him. But, thing is, I brought it up and we did discuss it. So.....hmm....light bulb...duh. That's one of the exact things I brought up with him - that I feared abandonment and also that I wasn't smart enough for the project.
Desire/need for approval? I was trying to fill shoes I wasn't comfortable in. And I wrote Knapp about that too. Hm. So I did speak up, damnit. At least on some parts. The few things I didn't speak up about - I didn't want to offend Knapp or Lema. I felt put in the middle. I wanted them to work out their differences. I wanted acceptance on all sides. I don't like conflict. :-/
I think too I looked to Knapp as a parent figure. *gulp* I wrote that to Knapp too, in the same email where I wrote to him I was having a hard time approaching him. I stated that I think I want to be parented. (I shake my head again. How, on God's earth, could he lash out at me stating the things he did to me within a week of that email and our discussion about it? Calm down Carol. You've answered that same question before.)
I felt I was getting caught in a triangulation, but I didn't tell Knapp that. I should have. OTOH, I dismissed that feeling; I brushed it aside. It was a foggy, inarticulate feeling. Had the situation not ended with Knapp cutting me off and with his toxic accusations, he and I may have been able to discuss that later. I would have seen it more clearly because we had passed through the forest.
Again, I was trying to fill shoes. I wasn't being genuine at those times. I wasn't being true to myself. I was having anxiety. I was trying to be more "grown-up," like I knew what I was doing in this role. I was faking it until I make it.
During the Knapp-Lema conflict, maybe I was simply waiting, pondering. A lot was going on. I was working long hours. Lisa was on her death bed. And the regular stuff of life. I couldn't keep up with every email between Knapp and Lema. Nor did I feel it was my responsibility to do so. And it wasn't.
I should never have been there, in that position. But then, if I hadn't been there, I may not have seen(again) this aspect of me nor this aspect of Knapp. Maybe I was there because it took something this extreme to teach me, to get to another layer. *shrug* That said, from an ethical standpoint, Knapp should never have solicited me.
Still, none of that gave Knapp any reason to lash out at me.
As Dr. McColloch stated when he read the emails, "The man had a tantrum. He expected you to protect him."
And when I mentioned to Dr. McColloch about me thinking I might have scared Knapp away, Dr. McColloch responded, "I don't think you scared him. I think you pissed him off and he acted out."
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Other thoughts to maybe pick up later. Knapp's revolving Tweets. My enmeshment(?) with the activist role. Getting back to me at the beginning of November - not letting go of the belief that people are basically good; I have to trust.
If I don't trust, my self dies.
I never want to allow my "self" to die again.
Without that trust my muse goes silent.
Without that trust, I am not connected to me or to the doors that open for me.
To walk through those doors, I must trust...
...even if I feel fear.
What an odd combination, trust and fear.
Hm. I guess kind of like love and hate.
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Note: In June/July, 2011, I changed John Knapp's pseudonym in this piece to his real name.
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Note: The above is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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