Knapp's New Playground

adapted journal entry, november, 2010

Friday, 12:45 AM. Holiday Inn Express in Dillsboro. Had a great hike today.

I tried to sleep but all I felt was anger. I wish evil upon John Knapp, and I don't like that. I calmed myself connecting with my heart telling myself I am not responsible for Knapp.

BUT, I feel a responsibility to speak up in light of something I read tonight that Knapp is doing.

So then I lay in bed composing in my head a possible blog to maybe post in December stating I retract any recommendations I have stated regarding Knapp's services and then stating why I do so and include part of my complaint.

This (whether or not to speak up and then how to do so) is similar to part of what ate me up in latter August and September. I will not allow it (I hope not anyway) to eat me up again. Knapp is not worth that. Yet it's not Knapp I get eat up about....it's me...and my responsibility of whether or not to speak up, of not allowing myself to be silenced. How can I stand by and not say something?!? Uugh...

What I read today that has triggered this reaction in me, a reaction of (I confess) vindictiveness and to expose Knapp...I will not post a blog though while in that state. That said, my head screams names and adjectives at him. That brings to mind a poem I wrote when I was having rage regarding something else after leaving The Way. Hmm...perhaps I should take time the next couple days and write a poem about bastard Knapp.

How can he be so damn cruel, not own up to what he did (at least) to me. It was cruel and manipulative. I felt handled afterwards. I felt like he beat me up verbally and then kicked me in a gutter and then left me to bleed out. And he had been my therapist, for God's sake! No, he didn't do that in a therapeutic setting...and in one sense maybe that's worse. Because he could use that as a justification and 'defense.' Grrrrr.... (calm down Carol)

*deep breath*

Now regarding Knapp's new playground; he has retired from his old online playground, the TMFree blog.

Today I ran across a couple posts (authored by Knapp) on another site, Knapp's new playground...at least for now - the Beyond the Art of Living blog. A site that exposes alleged manipulations and dishonesty of a different group (the Art of Living) from Knapp's past group and his involvement with the TMO.

In one of the posts Knapp states that he does not count himself a member of the “anti-cult movement," that his focus is on healing from the devastating trauma former members of toxic groups experience, and that he wants to focus his energies to those who seek help putting their lives back together. Because of that he is forming a new non-profit that will offer direct care regardless of the injured party's ability to pay; he says that he won't be posting any more "nasty Twitter comments to toxic group leaders."

I'm 99% sure this is a restart/continuation of what he was trying to do (the non-profit) when he previously solicited me as a type of editor-in-chief.

The whole thing makes my stomach turn. I wanna barf.

I regulate my responses thinking that maybe his org will help some people. Fine and good. So does the TMO. So does The Way. So do other groups. But what about people who have been used in the process (of any org) and about non-accountability (of that org) that Knapp so loudly harks about? Knapp is no fucking different...god damn him. I doubt very seriously he has been transparent with the people involved in the Center he is forming now. And I'm left with the struggle within myself about what, when, and if to blog...and how to do so without 'victimizing' myself (or others), how to present it concisely and factually (without breaking confidences), and without humiliating (as much as I want to right now) Knapp.

And I tell myself,"Carol, where do you want to put your energy?" And, "Carol, where do you draw the line regarding when to speak up and when not? Ask your heart and wait. Talk about this with Dr. McColoch and maybe Lema and maybe a couple others who have had run-ins with Knapp. But mostly, listen to your own heart. Focus there. Heart soak. Allow the dirt to dissolve. Patient. If your heart leads to post about it on a blog, do so. If not, then don't. You have spoken up by filing a complaint."

Thus ends this installment. I'll now turn on Enya and take another Xanax.

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Note: In June/July, 2011,  I changed John Knapp's pseudonym in this piece to his real name.
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Note: The above is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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