Below is an excerpt from Part Three of my Way story.
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For years I struggled with the question, How could something I thought was so good turn out to be so evil? The good and evil dichotomy was difficult to wrap my mind around as I'd try to reconcile it.
I have since learned the good and evil can't be reconciled. That may seem obvious to most people. But it was a harsh reality for me to recognize and accept that top Way leaders whom I deeply trusted were emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, and sexual predators concerned primarily with their own appearance, advancement, and power.
Yet, despite that reality, I had many good experiences in The Way filled with rich learning and "God moments." I received exposure to some excellent teachings and teachers. And I developed relationships with some wonderful people, one of those still being my husband of over three decades. The good times and people were part of the reason my husband and I continued for as long as we did and part of the reason it was difficult to see and accept that top leaders were abusive, power-hungry, hypocritical, self-serving manipulators.
For the most part I don't begrudge any inappropriate counsel I received while in The Way. We, lay leaders and followers, were doing as we had been taught. That said, people are still responsible for their decisions and actions. I regret any harms I exacted and any ill counsel I doled out.
Way followers' experiences can differ (sometimes widely) depending on their local leadership, their depth of involvement, and the years they were involved. Cults are like an onion with outer and inner layers. The closer to the center, the firmer the grip. Cults also morph endeavoring to fit in with various aspects of culture and changing times in order to appear legitimate, to gain new followers, and to keep devotees loyal. The Way embodies those characteristics.
The events of my life as a Way believer and my responses since leaving The Way are not atypical from others who have been devotees of any cult-like movement. In discussing The Way with ex-members of other authoritarian groups and from reading accounts from various books and articles and comparing those with my and others' experiences in The Way, I've learned that The Way was not unique in its approach to group think, control tactics, and practices resulting in emotional, spiritual, and other abuses. Neither were the so-called high times and God moments unique to The Way. All are common factors, on a continuum, in authoritarian groups.
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Since exiting I've cycled, and recycled, through a myriad of emotions including periods of bitterness and rage, a deep sense of overwhelming loss and grief and loneliness, identity issues, the feeling of being shattered, and feelings of shame and self-blame regarding certain personal decisions and my blindness to manipulations. There have been times when I've felt very lost. There have been times I've doubted my departure and have missed the camaraderie with Way believers; there are good people who still remain loyal to The Way.
On the flip side, I've discovered freedom to think for myself and to consider ideas outside Way doctrine. My relationship with my husband has been restored; we were on the brink of divorce our final years in The Way. Our family has grown closer, instead of farther apart. Our children, now adults, are able to pursue life without the constraints of Way practices and doctrine. Some personal friendships that were shunned from decades past due to The Way's mark-and-avoid practice have been renewed. I've probably received more answers to "prayer" since leaving The Way than during my whole twenty-eight years of loyalty. I've learned to reasonably trust my self again. Music and poetry, writing and art, nature and animals have become integral parts of my life. I continue to discover what my opinions are, my likes and dislikes, and how to express those. Over time, I began to experience a groundedness and quietness in my soul that perhaps comes with age. In hindsight, I felt stuck in adolescence while in The Way.
As far as my evolving beliefs, when I left The Way in 2005 I visited a few churches, but nothing resonated. For about a year I was involved with an ex-Way splinter group which holds to basic Way doctrine. For a few years thereafter I leaned toward Christian Universalism. Throughout that time I read about various schools of thought regarding different beliefs, including atheism.
Eventually I began to see the Bible as other written works; that is, as historical literature instead of the "God-breathed Word." I had landed in the agnostic camp.
It took me until around 2010 to really accept that I no longer believed the scriptures to be infallible nor to be the inerrant Word of God. It took another five years to become comfortable with my agnosticism. For now, in 2017, I'm happy with that.
But I'm more happy that I can reasonably trust my self again, that I'm continuing to learn who I am and what I like, that I'm able to live without constantly battling shame and guilt, and that I'm becoming my own best friend.
And I'm most happy that my family remained intact after leaving The Way and that our children are not living under the constraints of Way doctrine and practices.
For the most part, life is good and certainly much larger than when I was a Way believer.
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Excerpt Series: Part Three of my Way story
1984 and onward: Loyalty ~ Exit ~ Aftermath ~ Life
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