entry - shifts & shatters

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I've been feeling uneasy today. Perhaps a bit yesterday too.

In what way? Uneasy is a nebulous term. What is a better word?

Like life is happening too fast and I have no control over it?

That's part of it. Another part is, well, that insanity feeling. How does one convey that feeling?

Ahh, like one cannot trust their own mind. It's not a factual trust, but rather a perception trust maybe?

Where did this originate the past couple days? What triggered it?

I think a trigger may have been the memoir piece about when I gave up drugs and the feelings that I had then, in those moments back in 1975.

Those feelings are so similar to various flashbacks I've had since leaving The Way in latter 2005. The feelings are also similar to episodes I'd have beginning in the early 2000's. Perhaps because at that time, I began to distrust my experiences in The Way. I had been trained to distrust my self, my own inner voice, perhaps to the point that when I was shifting to learn to try to trust my own inner voice...well, the shattering, the unraveling effect can be quite traumatic.

Perhaps I am not communicating at all. Perhaps this is just a bunch of mashed potato thought mush. Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I still care too much about what others think of me.

Perhaps I'm uncomfortable with people asking me my opinions on matters. I feel very little qualification on matters of other's lives to offer suggestions/advice and even my opinions at times. Perhaps I get a cornered feeling when that happens.

But why? Why do I feel cornered when someone ask my opinion? Funny how I seldom ask other's opinions on personal matters of my life.

Perhaps it's time for a radical acceptance statement:
"My life is my life. My past is my past. My experiences are my experiences. On those I am an authority."

Oh yes, and to quote my friend Dawson (again):
"Wait....I need time to over think this."

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