Protecting the Gulity~Part 2

non-subject:  "protecting the guilty"

aww:  11/18/09

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Within about four months Naomi ended up dumping Nick, never telling him the whole truth; the whole truth being that, after their second face-to-face rendezvous, she didn't have the feelings for him that she thought were real.  She told Nick that she wanted to end the relationship because she wanted to try to work things out with her husband; after all, John and Carol had worked things out.

Nick was devastated. He felt jilted. At the time he expressed to me angrily over the phone, "How could I be some dumb!?!"

Naomi's reconciliation attempt with her husband lasted a month or so. During that time Drew, a GreaseSpot Cafe member, had started exchanging online dialog with Naomi. Naomi lived  in Oklahoma and Drew in Idaho. Naomi told Drew she couldn't get involved with him; she was married and was trying to patch things up with her marriage.  Drew pursued anyway; he was single.  He listened empathetically as Naomi began to open up and trust him. He wooed her and she again found herself in another affair, head over heels.

It's human.  People are lonely.  People have needs. People look to get those needs met.

After three or four months, Drew dropped Naomi.  Still their exchanges continued back and forth for awhile. It was hard on Naomi; she'd been smitten and was now heart broken. She felt jilted and lied to. Her marriage was continuing its descent into dissolution.

Sometime after Drew ended things with Naomi, he apparently decided to pursue Vida who was also a member at GreaseSpot Cafe.  Vida was married at the time. Naomi had caught wind of this pursuit and decided to warn Vida via a personal message, which is similar to an email, through GreaseSpot Cafe. The message didn't name the man, Drew; the man whom Naomi was warning Vida about. Naomi simply warned her to be careful of "a guy in Idaho." Somehow Vida figured out, or perhaps Naomi told her, that Naomi had had some sort of relationship with "a guy in Idaho."  Of course Vida knew that "a guy in Idaho" was referring to Drew, who was then in pursuit of Vida.

Vida had gotten to know Nick through the GSC forum. Since she didn't live far from Nick, they decided to get together for a meal; a platonic, not romantic, supper. At that meal Nick learned from Vida about Naomi's liaison with "a guy in Idaho."

And now Nick was on the  phone with me, irate and demanding to know if Naomi had dropped him for another man other than her husband.  Naomi had told him she was going to try to mend things with her husband, that that was the reason she left Nick. That was partially true, but not the real reason.

I listened to Nick vent; I couldn't blame him.  Naomi had never come clean with him letting him know that her feelings simply weren't there for him. She had withheld that truth; she was afraid of hurting him.  I didn't feel it my place to tell that to Nick.

I then answered Nick's question with a half truth, "Naomi did have a short relationship with a guy, but it never went anywhere." I told Nick it wasn't my place to answer details; that was between he and Naomi. However, Nick and Naomi were not on talking terms.

Due to Naomi still working through so much duress with her marriage and emotional pain from the break-up with Drew, I waited to tell her that Nick knew that she had had some sort of relationship with another man after she had dropped Nick. After I felt she was doing better emotionally, I called and told her about what Vida had told Nick, about Nick questioning me and my answer to him.

Naomi was irritated with me and she was angry with Nick. She asked me why I had told Nick.  I explained again that I hadn't, that Vida had.  I asked her, "What'd you want me to do, lie?"  Naomi responded, "Yes." I was stunned.  Naomi followed her affirmative answer with, "I can't tell you things because you can't lie."

I was speechless. I didn't know how to respond to Naomi's statement. I felt guilty for not lying, realizing later that I had lied; I had told Nick a half-truth.

Should I lie for friends? Is that what friends do for each other?  Should I lie out of loyalty?  I found myself perplexed. It reminded me of when I was in The Way and I'd be afraid to examine doubts closely or to ask questions; leader's hearts were right, weren't they? Shouldn't I cover for their humanness, their errors, their hollering at followers?  Wasn't that part of tough love?

It reminded me of The Safety Net, another online forum. Membership was by invitation only; it was a secret club initially established for ex-Way women who had been abused, a supposedly safe place to converse online. Members of The Safety Net were to tell no one of its existence.  I had failed, broken my word and told someone the forum existed though I never revealed the name or contents of the forum. I probably should have covered with a lie, never revealing the forum existed.

And now, I had failed again; I hadn't covered for Naomi. I wasn't sure of what was right or wrong, what was allowable, how one should cover for others.  In The Way we were taught about the lockbox; we were taught that the love of God covers a multitude of sins. I felt stupid, unwise. I felt confused.  Besides, I knew I could lie and had lied on various occasions.

Naomi's statement, "I can't tell you things because you can't lie," was loud as it replayed over and over in my mind. It silenced me and again stirred self-doubt with which I so often battled.  Yet I couldn't imagine ever asking a friend to compromise their integrity to cover for me, to lie for me.  That seemed too heavy a burden for friendship.

Naomi never did come clean with Nick.

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Click here for Part 2:  Protecting the Guilty ~ Part 1

Click here to read an introduction to memoir: Journey through Memoir: Introduction

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