Mental Illness - Counselor #1

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The following was originally posted on a different blog as part of a series. The series remains incomplete.
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Suicidal thoughts and ideations were almost a constant companion beginning in the early to mid-nineties and through mid-2004.

I stood in a hotel conference room at a Way function in 1994, somewhere in North Carolina. Since the Way owned no churches, local believers held larger meetings in rented conference rooms. Sometimes in restaurants; sometimes in community buildings or banks; mostly in hotels. The Ministry would foot the bill with donations from followers. Often local followers who were attending a certain meeting, chipped in with extra cash. Even if my husband, John, or I couldn't go, we would still donate money to help pay for a room. Renting rooms was still cheaper than the purchase and upkeep of a building.

The teaching had ended and folks were milling about, enjoying refreshments and visiting. My Branch leader, Mike, approached me. We chatted. My illnesses came up in the conversation; I had been chronically sick with severe asthma and immune dysfunction since 1981. "It'd be great if you could somehow go to Mayo Clinic or somewhere like that to see if they could find something to help."

I nodded in response, not disagreeing; yet feeling tense on the inside. I didn't like conversations about my health. I was doing all I knew to do, plus more. Mayo seemed like just another dead end to me.

Mike mentioned that maybe seeing Dottie Moynihan on a professional level might help me deal with the continuous battle I fought, the emotional and physical upheavals. Dottie had her Masters in psychology. I'd heard that at one time she had practiced professionally in Ohio. Dottie and her husband, Bob, were the Way State Coordinators; during part of that tenure they also served as the Atlantic Region Coordinators, overseeing a few states.

I had learned to not go to Way leadership for counsel regarding my health; there were strings of obedience attached. At least in my heart and training, if I went to leadership for counsel, even a suggestion was equivalent to "thus saith the Lord." I hadn't gone to Mike this time; he had approached me. Therefore, in my thinking, I wasn't obligated to obey. Yet, I'd consider his suggestion about Dottie. After all, Mike was ordained clergy, Way Corps, and (at the time) mine and John's direct overseer. Perhaps God was at work within him.

Sometime thereafter, I made the call to Dottie. Yes, she'd be glad to see me. There would be no charge. My understanding for the no charge aspect was that she was working full time for The Way; plus John and I volunteered as Fellowship Coordinators. There may have also been other legal reasons for her not charging.

I couldn't trust a secular counselor or psychologist. They might try some weird stuff and I'd run the risk of getting possessed or something, setting me back even further. I was already pushing the envelope because I was seeing an acupuncturist on a regular basis, an acupuncturist who was also a lesbian. In The Way, lesbian behavior was considered devil spirit possession; acupuncture was questionable. I rationalized my visits by telling myself that I'd keep on my spiritual toes. I would try most anything to curb the asthma; I had to breathe. I had to breathe. If the acupuncture didn't help after six months, I'd quit, which was my standard time limit when trying new wellness approaches.

Dottie's home was a couple hours from mine. I didn't mind the drive; I was used to driving a couple hours to various health practitioners anyway.

Bob and Dottie's home was warm. Dottie liked birds and had quite a few bird feeders on their deck which was outside the glass kitchen door. It was a peaceful view. The yard was beautifully manicured. The house wasn't huge or extravagant; it had a spark of elegance with comfort. Of course it was very neat and in order; Bob and Dottie had no children at home. Plus, they probably had volunteer Limb staff to help clean the home.  In The Way, a state in the USA was referred to as a "Limb."

On the kidtchen table was a bowl of dry cereal and an unpeeled banana. It awaited Bob, his morning meal. Above the wide doorway that led into the den was a high book shelf. It seems a set of Britannica's 'Great Books' decorated the shelf. My mother had sold Britannica for almost two decades. I was no stranger to their books.

We went to Dottie's office. It too was warm and welcoming, though I can't recall the details.

I loved Dottie and Bob. They always made me feel at home in my skin, always edified me.

"I have two major fears about coming to you," I said to Dottie. "I need to let you know those before I can proceed to talk more."

She agreed and helped me feel at ease.

"One. I'm afraid to come to you because you are also my spiritual leadership. I'm afraid that if you suggest something that I don't think will help or that I don't want to try, that I'll be disobeying God by not following any suggestions you give."

Her response helped alleviate my fear. "I am seeing you as a counselor. If I suggests anything, that's all it is...a suggestion. It is not necessarily revelation or inspiration. If it is, I'll let you know."

She was sincere and I believed her.

I proceeded, "Two. I'm afraid you'll tell me to quit homeschooling my children. I don't want to quit homeschooling. Even with my health issues, we are making it work."

The Way didn't look fondly upon parents without a professional teaching degree homeschooling their children. I had only a high school diploma. In regard to child-rearing and education, I had taken a "better late than early" approach. I leaned more toward eclectic and unschooling. John and I had also practiced 'the family bed' with our kids, something else that wouldn't have been looked upon favorably by The Way.

Dottie responded again with acceptance. "I don't plan to tell you to quit homeschooling. I think it's great you are doing it. And your children seem to be doing well."

I asked if she was familiar with Dr. Raymond and Dorothy Moore and their child development research. She had read some of their works. I breathed a sigh of releif; she would at least have an understanding of my approach.

Over the following six to eight months or so Dottie and I entered my life and history. Dottie never put any kind of Ministry pressure on me. She directed me toward some relaxation techniques and a few books, since I read a lot. She was a huge help to me.

When I was close to a suicide attempt in 1995, it was Dottie I called. She handled it the way it should be and got help to me right away.

She never did say she received revelation or inspiration about my treatment, not even the time she suggested I consider breaking ties with one of my friends who had aligned with Chris Geer's group. It was simply a suggestion. Eventually, I did take Dottie up on that one and broke the relationship. I don't recall if I ever told Dottie or not.

Bob and Dottie were reassigned to Florida in 1995 or 1996. I didn't see Dottie again until around 2001 or 2002, in Dallas, Texas, at an Advanced Class Grad Weekend.  We had a warm, short visit.  It was good to see her.

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Click here to read an introduction to memoir: Journey through Memoir: Introduction

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