The News, I

On January 15, 2014, I check my email updates on my iPhone.

One of the email subject lines reads, "I have news about the case where you testified in ALBANY." The sender is the New York State Prosecutor that worked the licensing case regarding John Knapp, my former mental health therapist who had specialized in cult-recovery.

I had been having a great day. The sky was clear. I was still feeling well physically from the epidural injections a week prior. Hubby and I had spent a wonderful evening the day before with my daughter and her boyfriend celebrating Daughter's twenty-sixth birthday. Life was good.

But upon reading the subject line, my stomach becomes queasy, my hands begin to tremble. I swallow back the queasiness bypassing the lump in my throat.

God. Here it is. Why am I responding like this; I haven't even opened the email. Carol, this is probably a normal response. Just open the email. What can the worst be? That the state ruled he is totally innocent? What if that's the case? Does it change any of the facts? Can you handle if that is the ruling?

I don't open the email right away. Instead I greet my dachshund friends to take them for their midday walk, my hands trembling and tears now trickling.

"Hey Jasper-doo and Isabelle. How are my buddies?" I ask in my doggy voice which is similar to my little child voice.

Jas & Bellie respond with delight. Tails wagging, bodies dancing in circles. We are good friends. They seem to understand my trembling as they patiently await their collar buckling.

I accidentally put the wrong collar on Jasper and then put on his correct collar. Now he has on two collars. "I'm sorry Jas. Thanks for being patient," I say as I remove the wrong collar and put it on Isabelle, hands still trembling and tears trickling.

Before we exit the door, I click on my iPhone and its magical screen illuminates. I click the email app. I open the dreaded email.

It reads:
"Can you email me back and let me know when and where I could call you? I am at work between 9:30 am and 3:30 pm."
It is signed with the prosecutor's name and phone number. The current time is around 2:00 pm.

In the previous couple years the prosecutor and I had communicated by phone, by email, and face-to-face when I served as a witness for the State in the Licensing Board hearing regarding Knapp. Her communications were always direct and professional and short. It was good to meet her face-to-face at the hearing. I saw her smile and picked up her genuine concern for people and for truth.

After reading the email, the tears increase, the tremor continues. The queasiness in my tummy subsides and my heart slightly races. My adrenal function kicks in. The lump continues in my throat.

Okay Carol, get a hold of yourself, I thought as Jas and Bellie and I proceed out into the beautiful, sunny, cool, Carolina-blue-sky January day.