Below is an excerpt from Part Three of my Way story.
____
Within a couple months after leaving The Way in October, 2005, I got deeply involved for over a year with an ex-Way online forum which provided much needed support and connections. However, as months went by, I found myself in a web of unhealthy relationships with some of the key participants and, later, in a maze of suspicion with false or mistaken allegations toward others and myself. The experience got under my skin, and at times I was filled with rage over (what appeared to me at the time as) hypocrisy. I felt like I was witnessing aspects of The Way but on the other side. I later realized that the us-them mentality exists on a continuum in social groups. And I began to more clearly understand human nature and behavior, regardless of the group one may be involved with. Despite my unpleasant experiences at the forum, I still think it provides good information for people seeking help in leaving The Way. And I would handle my circumstances and relationships differently now, in 2017, than I did when I was still fresh out of The Way.
In July, 2008, I hired a licensed mental health therapist who specialized in cult recovery. The main reason I hired him was because of what had happened at the ex-Way online forum. Two years later, in September, 2010, due to boundary violations (none were sexual), I filed an official complaint with the therapist's state licensing board. The state opened an investigation in December, 2010.
Filing that complaint was one of the hardest decisions of my life, and I had no idea the can of worms I had opened. Almost a year after I filed the complaint, the therapist tried to smear my character with vicious verbal assaults filled with false allegations and accusations in twelve different online rants and articles. A few months after that, I learned that I wasn't the only client he had harmed. (Click here to access an overview of events regarding my experience with the therapist.)
In certain respects the therapist abuse caused more extensive trauma than The Way. It was like the wounds from The Way developed from the top side of my soul as an erosion over time. Whereas the wounds from the therapist were thrust deeply from the underside with a steel dagger. A seeping wound from the top and a gaping wound from the bottom. At times it felt as if the wounds joined causing a chasm with two open ends, exposed and vulnerable to infection.
One of my friends, who also experienced therapist abuse (but not with the same therapist), calls it "sanctuary abuse." An apropos term in my opinion. Such abuse of power is not limited to only mental health therapists, but applies to any person in a trusted, authoritative position. It is a trauma that penetrates to one's very core.
Fortunately, my ex-therapist can no longer prey in the guise of a professional offering "healing for spiritual and cultic abuse." In January, 2014, his license was revoked. He was found guilty of professional misconduct along with negligence, incompetence on more than one occasion, and unprofessional conduct.
Not surprisingly, due to my experiences in the ex-cult and anti-cult and cult-recovery circles, I no longer participate in those type groups. My only involvement with cult-awareness involves a few contacts, sharing on my blogs, and a small amount of social media.
~*~
Within seven months of leaving The Way, I got a job working as the manager of an art studio. That job was one of my best therapies as I communicated with artists of all stripes from all over the country. As of 2017 I still work as a studio assistant, but I stepped down from being the manager in 2012. In 2011 I established a pet-sitting business which has proven to be another therapeutic pathway.
By the end of 2009, my physical health had improved to the point that I was able to take up my teenage dream of long-distance hiking and backpacking. But, in 2011, that dream was indefinitely suspended when I developed widespread nerve damage bringing on losses I have deeply grieved and am still coming to terms with. As of 2017, managing the nerve damage is my biggest life challenge.
____
Excerpt Series: Part Three of my Way story
1984 and onward: Loyalty ~ Exit ~ Aftermath ~ Life
____
July 22, 2017
July 19, 2017
Chronic illness: feeling pointless
In my journal at 2:10 AM this morning I wrote, "I'm blue. My life feels pointless. My next thought is, I have no goals. Which isn't totally true."
But the reality is, I don't have long-term goals. I'm unable to commit. And I set myself up for disappointment with long-term goals. So, I set short-term goals, which change according to my ability on any given day.
In a recent appointment with my psychologist, she stated something like, "...so you won't feel like a burden to others?" I can't recall the exact context at the moment.
I responded, "Oh. I don't feel like a burden. I seldom ask for help. But, I feel I don't contribute."
(I do sometimes feel like a burden to Hubby. But he genuinely doesn't think that way. But I still feel like it.)
The reality is I do contribute, simply by taking care of myself. That is my main contribution. But it can feel pretty pointless and pretty lonely.
(Pointlessness. Loneliness. I think that maybe that is common for the majority of people, even those who aren't challenged with a chronic illness or disability.)
And I do contribute in other ways beyond self-care, ways that sometimes involve other people. But the majority of my time is alone or with animals. Animals are often the best people.
Some days I write down things I did that day that contributed, even if it's as simple as "I brushed my teeth."
After my surgery last August my friend, Joy, stayed in our home for a month as my caregiver. After a couple weeks, the mundane dailiness of it all started to get to her a little bit. I recognized it and brought up the subject. It lightened the load a bit. Then later that evening, as we sat on the porch, she was talking about what we'd do the next day. "Tomorrow is bath day. And we'll do your PT. And eat." She paused. Then said, "What else is there?" The essence being, what else is there in life?
We both laughed. But it really struck home as to the mundaneness of self-care. Just to clothe oneself, eat, and bathe can be the big accomplishments for the day.
Yesterday I googled "chronic illness feeling pointless." Here's a link to one article that came up. I finally read it today. It's adapted from the book After The Diagnosis by Dr. JoAnn LeMaistre. I agree with most of the article. I disagree with the author's statement, "Creativity is not impaired by illness." (Italics are the author's.) That doesn't ring true for me at all.
But I found most of the article helpful. And to most of it I can say a resounding, "Yes."
Today, again managing the pointlessness of my life due to my inability to accomplish the simplest of tasks, these sentences resonate:
"The reason for living is life." I'll ponder that.
This morning I thought, It's time to write up my rally goal sheet for this 12-week round. Maybe that will help ground me.
So I did. And it helped. I'll magnet it to the fridge.
I'm reading the book How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers. I'm incorporating some of the precepts in this round's trek.
___
June 27, 2017 through September 18, 2017
Main goal this round is to continue to adjust to my new normal in regard to epidural relief. One good day, then one to two recovery days.
Keep in mind the progress I have and am making.
Three characteristics of existence to ponder...
~Dukkha (suffering)
~Anicca (impermanence)
~Anatta (no fixed self)
Four sublime states, brahma viharas (dwelling places), to endeavor toward...
~Metta (loving-kindness; wishing well to others and to ourselves)
~Karuna (compassion: reaching out to those who are suffering, including ourselves)
~Mudita (sympathetic joy; joy in the joy of others)
~Upekkha (equanimity; a mind that is at peace in all circumstances)
Remember moods, life, circumstances are like the weather.
Weather is always changing.
"It's wind man. It blows all over the place."
I undertake the practice of (fill in the blank for that moment).
May I be peaceful.
May I have ease of well being.
May I embrace the end of suffering.
The "end of suffering" is more an adjustment of my definition and perception of "suffering."
The actual suffering doesn't end, necessarily.
Suffering is simply another state.
Suffering is part of the journey and I adapt, like a river flowing around or over rocks...or rising behind a dam.
Countdown:
Week 1: Completed Tu, 7/04/17
Week 2: Completed Tu, 7/11/17
Week 3: Completed Tu, 7/18/17
Week 4: Completed Tu, 7/25/17
Week 5: Completed Tu, 8/01/17
Week 6: Completed Tu, 8/08/17 (neck shots M, 8/07/17)
Week 7: Completed Tu, 8/15/17
Week 8: Completed Tu, 8/22/17
Week 9: Completed Tu, 8/29/17
Week 10: Completed Tu, 9/05/17
Week 11: Completed Tu, 9/12/17
Week 12: Completed M, 9/18/17 (epidural #18)
Carol Welch, CEO
~cyclist. explorer. overcomer.
___
But the reality is, I don't have long-term goals. I'm unable to commit. And I set myself up for disappointment with long-term goals. So, I set short-term goals, which change according to my ability on any given day.
In a recent appointment with my psychologist, she stated something like, "...so you won't feel like a burden to others?" I can't recall the exact context at the moment.
I responded, "Oh. I don't feel like a burden. I seldom ask for help. But, I feel I don't contribute."
(I do sometimes feel like a burden to Hubby. But he genuinely doesn't think that way. But I still feel like it.)
The reality is I do contribute, simply by taking care of myself. That is my main contribution. But it can feel pretty pointless and pretty lonely.
(Pointlessness. Loneliness. I think that maybe that is common for the majority of people, even those who aren't challenged with a chronic illness or disability.)
And I do contribute in other ways beyond self-care, ways that sometimes involve other people. But the majority of my time is alone or with animals. Animals are often the best people.
Some days I write down things I did that day that contributed, even if it's as simple as "I brushed my teeth."
After my surgery last August my friend, Joy, stayed in our home for a month as my caregiver. After a couple weeks, the mundane dailiness of it all started to get to her a little bit. I recognized it and brought up the subject. It lightened the load a bit. Then later that evening, as we sat on the porch, she was talking about what we'd do the next day. "Tomorrow is bath day. And we'll do your PT. And eat." She paused. Then said, "What else is there?" The essence being, what else is there in life?
We both laughed. But it really struck home as to the mundaneness of self-care. Just to clothe oneself, eat, and bathe can be the big accomplishments for the day.
Yesterday I googled "chronic illness feeling pointless." Here's a link to one article that came up. I finally read it today. It's adapted from the book After The Diagnosis by Dr. JoAnn LeMaistre. I agree with most of the article. I disagree with the author's statement, "Creativity is not impaired by illness." (Italics are the author's.) That doesn't ring true for me at all.
But I found most of the article helpful. And to most of it I can say a resounding, "Yes."
Today, again managing the pointlessness of my life due to my inability to accomplish the simplest of tasks, these sentences resonate:
At times, like a dangerous undertow, this pain drags you far from your recognizable self. It may seem that you have no reason for living or that you are living only to experience pain. Even so, the reason for living is life.
"The reason for living is life." I'll ponder that.
This morning I thought, It's time to write up my rally goal sheet for this 12-week round. Maybe that will help ground me.
So I did. And it helped. I'll magnet it to the fridge.
I'm reading the book How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers. I'm incorporating some of the precepts in this round's trek.
___
June 27, 2017 through September 18, 2017
Main goal this round is to continue to adjust to my new normal in regard to epidural relief. One good day, then one to two recovery days.
Keep in mind the progress I have and am making.
Three characteristics of existence to ponder...
~Dukkha (suffering)
~Anicca (impermanence)
~Anatta (no fixed self)
Four sublime states, brahma viharas (dwelling places), to endeavor toward...
~Metta (loving-kindness; wishing well to others and to ourselves)
~Karuna (compassion: reaching out to those who are suffering, including ourselves)
~Mudita (sympathetic joy; joy in the joy of others)
~Upekkha (equanimity; a mind that is at peace in all circumstances)
Remember moods, life, circumstances are like the weather.
Weather is always changing.
"It's wind man. It blows all over the place."
I undertake the practice of (fill in the blank for that moment).
May I be peaceful.
May I have ease of well being.
May I embrace the end of suffering.
The "end of suffering" is more an adjustment of my definition and perception of "suffering."
The actual suffering doesn't end, necessarily.
Suffering is simply another state.
Suffering is part of the journey and I adapt, like a river flowing around or over rocks...or rising behind a dam.
Countdown:
Week 1: Completed Tu, 7/04/17
Week 2: Completed Tu, 7/11/17
Week 3: Completed Tu, 7/18/17
Week 4: Completed Tu, 7/25/17
Week 5: Completed Tu, 8/01/17
Week 6: Completed Tu, 8/08/17 (neck shots M, 8/07/17)
Week 7: Completed Tu, 8/15/17
Week 8: Completed Tu, 8/22/17
Week 9: Completed Tu, 8/29/17
Week 10: Completed Tu, 9/05/17
Week 11: Completed Tu, 9/12/17
Week 12: Completed M, 9/18/17 (epidural #18)
Carol Welch, CEO
~cyclist. explorer. overcomer.
___
July 16, 2017
Play: A deep subject
I found a post online, with pictures: How to make a clover bracelet
As children, friends and I often made these bracelets in the sun.
I penned the following in my personal journal on 4/23/2003.
Four days later, I began my 45th year of life.
~*~
4/23/2003
Learning to play again is foundational to experiencing the fullness of life.
What is play? Freedom.
Freedom of expression. Freedom of movement. Freedom of thought.
Swings and creeks. Daisies. Bracelets in the sun.
Play has no time boundaries. Play has no schedule. Play flows and ripples like a creek with various dips, turns, waterfalls, and rate of flow. Sometimes it flows quickly and then gently slows into a quiet, relaxing swimming hole. Continue down the creek and the flow picks up speed again. Play is not stagnant. Play is open to unlimited possibilities.
Play is a child's work, a child's occupation. It is a child's calling and vocation. Play develops neural circuitry within that child's system that is crucial to the mental, emotional, and physical health and wellness of that child.
I believe in neurogenesis. Maybe...as I learn to play again, my system will respond with the genesis of youthful, exuberant, fresh, joyous, satisfied, stimulating, flexible, intuitive neural circuitry.
My....play is a deep subject.
~*~
I was still in The Way in April, 2003.
The Way wasn't big on "free time."
We were taught to "schedule the adversary out of our lives."
I think the above journal entry shows part of the process of chiseling my way out of The Way,
like a chick tapping its way out of an egg.
Hard work for a chick.
I left The Way in October, 2005.
July 10, 2017
Think before we toss, and before we buy
I'm a recycler. I've been known to retrieve bottles and cans from a trash bin while under my breath saying, It is so easy to recycle in this town. Why do people still throw bottles and cans away?
We each count for one. Lots of ones added together equal 1,111,111,111 into infinity. That one bottle or plastic bag or piece of trash that a person throws away, multiples. We all need to think before we toss. And, better yet, think before we buy.
Here is a link to a PDF published by the National Park Service which lists how long different materials take to decompose: Time it takes for garbage to decompose in the environment.
Here is a link to a 2012 article comparing plastic bottles, glass bottles, and cans: Which is greener: Glass bottles, plastic bottles, or aluminum cans?
Update: Following are links to two articles published 7/18/17 and 7/19/17.
Research article in Science Advances on "Production, use, and fate of all plastics ever made"
Summary article in Washington Post entitled "There's literally a ton of plastic for every person in the world. "
Below is a list of a few things Hubby and I do to help reduce our own personal waste contribution.
I know we all have only so much time and energy and resources. But, every little bit helps. I'd love to be able to grow my own veggies, compost, and bicycle to run certain errands.
~*~
One Piece of Trash
I saw a piece of trash
on the ground today.
I could have walked right by
and let that litter lay.
I paused a moment, looked around,
as people quickly passed.
Reaching down I wondered,
why do we move so fast?
Maybe folks will notice
when the litter is a heap.
I hope we soon slow down
before it gets too deep.
april 11, 2007
~*~
We each count for one. Lots of ones added together equal 1,111,111,111 into infinity. That one bottle or plastic bag or piece of trash that a person throws away, multiples. We all need to think before we toss. And, better yet, think before we buy.
Here is a link to a PDF published by the National Park Service which lists how long different materials take to decompose: Time it takes for garbage to decompose in the environment.
Here is a link to a 2012 article comparing plastic bottles, glass bottles, and cans: Which is greener: Glass bottles, plastic bottles, or aluminum cans?
Update: Following are links to two articles published 7/18/17 and 7/19/17.
Research article in Science Advances on "Production, use, and fate of all plastics ever made"
Summary article in Washington Post entitled "There's literally a ton of plastic for every person in the world. "
Below is a list of a few things Hubby and I do to help reduce our own personal waste contribution.
- We use personal water bottles.
- We keep reusable take-home containers in our vehicles for left overs from a restaurant meal.
- We keep plastic cups from Panera in our vehicles to reuse when we dine at Panera.
- When we eat fast foods, we take any recyclable trash with us and later put it in recycling bins.
- Due to my disability I can rarely cook. So, a few times a week, I eat prepackaged frozen meals. I buy the Amy's brand because of ingredients and because the brand uses cardboard instead of plastic in which to hold and cook the food. After eating, I wash the cardboard bowl and recycle it.
- We wash plastic food wrap bags and recycle them with the plastic grocery bags. We wash and reuse resealable plastic baggies.
- We carry cloth bags in our vehicles for store purchases. But sometimes we forget to take them in. If so, we usually choose paper bags over plastic if available.
- We buy half-size paper towels. We then cut the half-size in half to make the towels quarter the size of a whole paper towel. We keep the two different sizes (half-size and quarter-size) on two separate paper towel dispensers.
- We reuse a used paper towel, depending on what it's first use was.
- I use cloth napkins. I use my personal-use cloth napkins more than once before having to wash them.
- We don't flush every time we pee, unless we have guests.
- We typically use appliances and cars and electronics and whatever else until they wear out or are no longer feasible. We donate or recycle what can be donated or recycled. We always think about the landfill when contemplating a replacement purchase.
- We recycle paper, cardboard, plastics, aluminum, and even styrofoam. When I toured the local recycling plant in the early 2000s, the owner said to throw an item in recycling even if we aren't sure if it can be recycled. If it can't be, the plant will discard of it properly.
- We use recycled, biodegradable poop bags to clean up dog poo.
I know we all have only so much time and energy and resources. But, every little bit helps. I'd love to be able to grow my own veggies, compost, and bicycle to run certain errands.
~*~
One Piece of Trash
I saw a piece of trash
on the ground today.
I could have walked right by
and let that litter lay.
I paused a moment, looked around,
as people quickly passed.
Reaching down I wondered,
why do we move so fast?
Maybe folks will notice
when the litter is a heap.
I hope we soon slow down
before it gets too deep.
april 11, 2007
~*~
Hush Patrol (an excerpt)
Below is an excerpt from Part Three of my Way story.
____
From the latter 1980s through the 1990s The Way became more and more controlling, step by step meddling deeper and deeper into followers' personal lives. This widespread progressive micromanagement - especially regarding time, personal finances, commitment and obedience to the Ministry, and shunning those who left - was due mainly to control tactics and doctrines gradually instigated during L. Craig Martindale's tenure as the second president of The Way, a position he held from 1982 until 2000.
Toward the latter part of 1999 micromanaging and verbal abuse in The Way were relaxed. Yes, the reigns were loosened. But the emotional, psychological, spiritual, verbal, and financial abuses were never adequately discussed or addressed. It was as if they never occurred. I'm not alone when I say there was an air of hush making these abuses taboo to discuss. We were to heed the exhortation of Philippians 3:13 in the Bible; that is, to "forget the past, declaring it null and void." For years after leaving The Way that hush bothered me, especially that I had allowed myself to succumb to the muzzle.
Within a few months of the loosened grip, Martindale resigned as President after his public admission to Way believers that he had been involved in a "consensual affair" and due to a legal suit regarding (in part) sexual harassment. (That suit was later settled out of court.) Within a year or so of Martindale's confession and dismissal, he quietly disappeared from The Way, out of sight to the faithful. Questions were discouraged which was standard when anyone departed - an uneasy silence with a pretense that nothing had happened and all was okay. (Click here to read a memoir piece about an incident depicting one way that The Way manipulated the hush regarding Martindale.)
From 2000 onward The Way became stagnant. I have described my last few years with The Way as "a flat tortilla shell with no substance."
~*~
Around 2004 my husband and I read online that the "affair" Martindale had confessed to followers in 2000 was not consensual nor an affair. It was clergy sexual abuse, and there were multiple sexual encounters with different followers. After I left in 2005 we learned that other top leaders had been aware of or involved with the abuse of authority in regard to sex. We later learned that it had been rampant among the inner circle of top leaders. Yet, Martindale took the full brunt of the fall while some of those other top leaders stayed or rose in their positions. (Click here to read a memoir piece recording some of my thoughts and feelings when I first began to learn about the Way's dark underbelly.)
As of 2005, outside of Martindale's so-called "consensual affair," most loyal followers were unaware of the many illicit sexual allegations involving other top leaders including the founder, Victor Paul Wierwille, who died in 1985. My husband and I had been unaware of the many. We had previously heard of some, but not the many. And we had greatly doubted the some. Until after I left, we were unaware of the number of abortions women in The Way had received.
If followers heard the sexual allegations, we dismissed them as lies or rumors or innuendo directed by the adversary - that is the devil, the accuser of the brethren - and spread by people who were influenced by or possessed with devil spirits. Beginning in the late 1990s followers were charged to stay off any sites on the internet that were critical of The Way. Fear of becoming possessed or influenced by devil spirits was one controlling factor. We had been well indoctrinated regarding the spiritual battle/competition and the devil-spirit realm; it had been Martindale's focal subject through the years of his presidency.
As of 2006 Way believers I had spoken with blamed solely Martindale, once highly respected and loved by followers, for The Way's 1999/2000 upheaval which led to losing more followers. From my viewpoint, top Way leaders used Martindale's fall as an opportunity to save their own faces in the eyes of followers. Martindale was their scapegoat, though he was also guilty. (Link: Why Didn't We Know About Leaders' Sexual Advances?)
Since 2000 Way leadership appears to have kept itself clean in regard to sexual abuses.
____
Excerpt Series: Part Three of my Way story
1984 and onward: Loyalty ~ Exit ~ Aftermath ~ Life
____
In the excerpt above I mention Martindale's focus on, and Way believers' indoctrination regarding, devil spirits. Below is a Youtube compilation clip from Athletes of the Spirit, a mid-1980's dance production of The Way performed in The Word Over the World Auditorium (now named the Victor Paul Wierwille Prevailing Word Auditorium) at Way Headquarters in Ohio.
Athletes of the Spirit is an example of Martindale's fixation on the devil-spirit realm (not to mention an example of his arrogance and megalomania). In my opinion (since relinquishing Way beliefs), the devil-spirit doctrine served as a tool for information control, silencing, and to help keep believers in check.
The Youtube compilation contains scenes from the production that portray devil spirits and their influence on humanity, and devil spirits grooming a human (played by the woman dressed in red) to become "born of the seed of the serpent," that is of the devil. That seed implantation is depicted at 4 minutes, 55 seconds.
Martindale, not shown in this compilation clip, was Executive Producer of the production and was a lead dancer portraying the Minister who pastored and taught believers how to compete in the spiritual competition. I'm almost certain that everyone involved in making the production was a Way believer, and most likely Way Corps.
At the time of the production, Martindale and other leaders were continuing to abuse their positions of trust secretly engaging in rampant, illicit, sexual encounters with Way followers.
____
Following are pictures from the 35-page, glossy-print program. It is a nice program; "nice" in that it is professional and complete. Mine still has the price tag on it - $1.00.
On page 34 is a letter from Martindale that ends in bold, italic, slightly larger print, "PS: Be ready for Athletes II!" But Athletes II never became. Instead, The Way began to crumble.
____
____
From the latter 1980s through the 1990s The Way became more and more controlling, step by step meddling deeper and deeper into followers' personal lives. This widespread progressive micromanagement - especially regarding time, personal finances, commitment and obedience to the Ministry, and shunning those who left - was due mainly to control tactics and doctrines gradually instigated during L. Craig Martindale's tenure as the second president of The Way, a position he held from 1982 until 2000.
Toward the latter part of 1999 micromanaging and verbal abuse in The Way were relaxed. Yes, the reigns were loosened. But the emotional, psychological, spiritual, verbal, and financial abuses were never adequately discussed or addressed. It was as if they never occurred. I'm not alone when I say there was an air of hush making these abuses taboo to discuss. We were to heed the exhortation of Philippians 3:13 in the Bible; that is, to "forget the past, declaring it null and void." For years after leaving The Way that hush bothered me, especially that I had allowed myself to succumb to the muzzle.
Within a few months of the loosened grip, Martindale resigned as President after his public admission to Way believers that he had been involved in a "consensual affair" and due to a legal suit regarding (in part) sexual harassment. (That suit was later settled out of court.) Within a year or so of Martindale's confession and dismissal, he quietly disappeared from The Way, out of sight to the faithful. Questions were discouraged which was standard when anyone departed - an uneasy silence with a pretense that nothing had happened and all was okay. (Click here to read a memoir piece about an incident depicting one way that The Way manipulated the hush regarding Martindale.)
From 2000 onward The Way became stagnant. I have described my last few years with The Way as "a flat tortilla shell with no substance."
~*~
Around 2004 my husband and I read online that the "affair" Martindale had confessed to followers in 2000 was not consensual nor an affair. It was clergy sexual abuse, and there were multiple sexual encounters with different followers. After I left in 2005 we learned that other top leaders had been aware of or involved with the abuse of authority in regard to sex. We later learned that it had been rampant among the inner circle of top leaders. Yet, Martindale took the full brunt of the fall while some of those other top leaders stayed or rose in their positions. (Click here to read a memoir piece recording some of my thoughts and feelings when I first began to learn about the Way's dark underbelly.)
As of 2005, outside of Martindale's so-called "consensual affair," most loyal followers were unaware of the many illicit sexual allegations involving other top leaders including the founder, Victor Paul Wierwille, who died in 1985. My husband and I had been unaware of the many. We had previously heard of some, but not the many. And we had greatly doubted the some. Until after I left, we were unaware of the number of abortions women in The Way had received.
If followers heard the sexual allegations, we dismissed them as lies or rumors or innuendo directed by the adversary - that is the devil, the accuser of the brethren - and spread by people who were influenced by or possessed with devil spirits. Beginning in the late 1990s followers were charged to stay off any sites on the internet that were critical of The Way. Fear of becoming possessed or influenced by devil spirits was one controlling factor. We had been well indoctrinated regarding the spiritual battle/competition and the devil-spirit realm; it had been Martindale's focal subject through the years of his presidency.
As of 2006 Way believers I had spoken with blamed solely Martindale, once highly respected and loved by followers, for The Way's 1999/2000 upheaval which led to losing more followers. From my viewpoint, top Way leaders used Martindale's fall as an opportunity to save their own faces in the eyes of followers. Martindale was their scapegoat, though he was also guilty. (Link: Why Didn't We Know About Leaders' Sexual Advances?)
Since 2000 Way leadership appears to have kept itself clean in regard to sexual abuses.
____
Excerpt Series: Part Three of my Way story
1984 and onward: Loyalty ~ Exit ~ Aftermath ~ Life
____
In the excerpt above I mention Martindale's focus on, and Way believers' indoctrination regarding, devil spirits. Below is a Youtube compilation clip from Athletes of the Spirit, a mid-1980's dance production of The Way performed in The Word Over the World Auditorium (now named the Victor Paul Wierwille Prevailing Word Auditorium) at Way Headquarters in Ohio.
Athletes of the Spirit is an example of Martindale's fixation on the devil-spirit realm (not to mention an example of his arrogance and megalomania). In my opinion (since relinquishing Way beliefs), the devil-spirit doctrine served as a tool for information control, silencing, and to help keep believers in check.
The Youtube compilation contains scenes from the production that portray devil spirits and their influence on humanity, and devil spirits grooming a human (played by the woman dressed in red) to become "born of the seed of the serpent," that is of the devil. That seed implantation is depicted at 4 minutes, 55 seconds.
Martindale, not shown in this compilation clip, was Executive Producer of the production and was a lead dancer portraying the Minister who pastored and taught believers how to compete in the spiritual competition. I'm almost certain that everyone involved in making the production was a Way believer, and most likely Way Corps.
At the time of the production, Martindale and other leaders were continuing to abuse their positions of trust secretly engaging in rampant, illicit, sexual encounters with Way followers.
____
Following are pictures from the 35-page, glossy-print program. It is a nice program; "nice" in that it is professional and complete. Mine still has the price tag on it - $1.00.
On page 34 is a letter from Martindale that ends in bold, italic, slightly larger print, "PS: Be ready for Athletes II!" But Athletes II never became. Instead, The Way began to crumble.
 |
| Front cover |
 |
| Page 4 |
 |
| Scene synopsis. Page 11. |
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| Martindale as the Minister. Page 15. |
July 5, 2017
Post-exit (an excerpt)
Below is an excerpt from Part Three of my Way story.
~*~
For years I struggled with the question, How could something I thought was so good turn out to be so evil? The good and evil dichotomy was difficult to wrap my mind around as I'd try to reconcile it.
I have since learned the good and evil can't be reconciled. That may seem obvious to most people. But it was a harsh reality for me to recognize and accept that top Way leaders whom I deeply trusted were emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, and sexual predators concerned primarily with their own appearance, advancement, and power.
Yet, despite that reality, I had many good experiences in The Way filled with rich learning and "God moments." I received exposure to some excellent teachings and teachers. And I developed relationships with some wonderful people, one of those still being my husband of over three decades. The good times and people were part of the reason my husband and I continued for as long as we did and part of the reason it was difficult to see and accept that top leaders were abusive, power-hungry, hypocritical, self-serving manipulators.
For the most part I don't begrudge any inappropriate counsel I received while in The Way. We, lay leaders and followers, were doing as we had been taught. That said, people are still responsible for their decisions and actions. I regret any harms I exacted and any ill counsel I doled out.
Way followers' experiences can differ (sometimes widely) depending on their local leadership, their depth of involvement, and the years they were involved. Cults are like an onion with outer and inner layers. The closer to the center, the firmer the grip. Cults also morph endeavoring to fit in with various aspects of culture and changing times in order to appear legitimate, to gain new followers, and to keep devotees loyal. The Way embodies those characteristics.
The events of my life as a Way believer and my responses since leaving The Way are not atypical from others who have been devotees of any cult-like movement. In discussing The Way with ex-members of other authoritarian groups and from reading accounts from various books and articles and comparing those with my and others' experiences in The Way, I've learned that The Way was not unique in its approach to group think, control tactics, and practices resulting in emotional, spiritual, and other abuses. Neither were the so-called high times and God moments unique to The Way. All are common factors, on a continuum, in authoritarian groups.
~*~
Since exiting I've cycled, and recycled, through a myriad of emotions including periods of bitterness and rage, a deep sense of overwhelming loss and grief and loneliness, identity issues, the feeling of being shattered, and feelings of shame and self-blame regarding certain personal decisions and my blindness to manipulations. There have been times when I've felt very lost. There have been times I've doubted my departure and have missed the camaraderie with Way believers; there are good people who still remain loyal to The Way.
On the flip side, I've discovered freedom to think for myself and to consider ideas outside Way doctrine. My relationship with my husband has been restored; we were on the brink of divorce our final years in The Way. Our family has grown closer, instead of farther apart. Our children, now adults, are able to pursue life without the constraints of Way practices and doctrine. Some personal friendships that were shunned from decades past due to The Way's mark-and-avoid practice have been renewed. I've probably received more answers to "prayer" since leaving The Way than during my whole twenty-eight years of loyalty. I've learned to reasonably trust my self again. Music and poetry, writing and art, nature and animals have become integral parts of my life. I continue to discover what my opinions are, my likes and dislikes, and how to express those. Over time, I began to experience a groundedness and quietness in my soul that perhaps comes with age. In hindsight, I felt stuck in adolescence while in The Way.
As far as my evolving beliefs, when I left The Way in 2005 I visited a few churches, but nothing resonated. For about a year I was involved with an ex-Way splinter group which holds to basic Way doctrine. For a few years thereafter I leaned toward Christian Universalism. Throughout that time I read about various schools of thought regarding different beliefs, including atheism.
Eventually I began to see the Bible as other written works; that is, as historical literature instead of the "God-breathed Word." I had landed in the agnostic camp.
It took me until around 2010 to really accept that I no longer believed the scriptures to be infallible nor to be the inerrant Word of God. It took another five years to become comfortable with my agnosticism. For now, in 2017, I'm happy with that.
But I'm more happy that I can reasonably trust my self again, that I'm continuing to learn who I am and what I like, that I'm able to live without constantly battling shame and guilt, and that I'm becoming my own best friend.
And I'm most happy that my family remained intact after leaving The Way and that our children are not living under the constraints of Way doctrine and practices.
For the most part, life is good and certainly much larger than when I was a Way believer.
~*~
Excerpt Series: Part Three of my Way story
1984 and onward: Loyalty ~ Exit ~ Aftermath ~ Life
~*~
~*~
For years I struggled with the question, How could something I thought was so good turn out to be so evil? The good and evil dichotomy was difficult to wrap my mind around as I'd try to reconcile it.
I have since learned the good and evil can't be reconciled. That may seem obvious to most people. But it was a harsh reality for me to recognize and accept that top Way leaders whom I deeply trusted were emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, and sexual predators concerned primarily with their own appearance, advancement, and power.
Yet, despite that reality, I had many good experiences in The Way filled with rich learning and "God moments." I received exposure to some excellent teachings and teachers. And I developed relationships with some wonderful people, one of those still being my husband of over three decades. The good times and people were part of the reason my husband and I continued for as long as we did and part of the reason it was difficult to see and accept that top leaders were abusive, power-hungry, hypocritical, self-serving manipulators.
For the most part I don't begrudge any inappropriate counsel I received while in The Way. We, lay leaders and followers, were doing as we had been taught. That said, people are still responsible for their decisions and actions. I regret any harms I exacted and any ill counsel I doled out.
Way followers' experiences can differ (sometimes widely) depending on their local leadership, their depth of involvement, and the years they were involved. Cults are like an onion with outer and inner layers. The closer to the center, the firmer the grip. Cults also morph endeavoring to fit in with various aspects of culture and changing times in order to appear legitimate, to gain new followers, and to keep devotees loyal. The Way embodies those characteristics.
The events of my life as a Way believer and my responses since leaving The Way are not atypical from others who have been devotees of any cult-like movement. In discussing The Way with ex-members of other authoritarian groups and from reading accounts from various books and articles and comparing those with my and others' experiences in The Way, I've learned that The Way was not unique in its approach to group think, control tactics, and practices resulting in emotional, spiritual, and other abuses. Neither were the so-called high times and God moments unique to The Way. All are common factors, on a continuum, in authoritarian groups.
~*~
Since exiting I've cycled, and recycled, through a myriad of emotions including periods of bitterness and rage, a deep sense of overwhelming loss and grief and loneliness, identity issues, the feeling of being shattered, and feelings of shame and self-blame regarding certain personal decisions and my blindness to manipulations. There have been times when I've felt very lost. There have been times I've doubted my departure and have missed the camaraderie with Way believers; there are good people who still remain loyal to The Way.
On the flip side, I've discovered freedom to think for myself and to consider ideas outside Way doctrine. My relationship with my husband has been restored; we were on the brink of divorce our final years in The Way. Our family has grown closer, instead of farther apart. Our children, now adults, are able to pursue life without the constraints of Way practices and doctrine. Some personal friendships that were shunned from decades past due to The Way's mark-and-avoid practice have been renewed. I've probably received more answers to "prayer" since leaving The Way than during my whole twenty-eight years of loyalty. I've learned to reasonably trust my self again. Music and poetry, writing and art, nature and animals have become integral parts of my life. I continue to discover what my opinions are, my likes and dislikes, and how to express those. Over time, I began to experience a groundedness and quietness in my soul that perhaps comes with age. In hindsight, I felt stuck in adolescence while in The Way.
As far as my evolving beliefs, when I left The Way in 2005 I visited a few churches, but nothing resonated. For about a year I was involved with an ex-Way splinter group which holds to basic Way doctrine. For a few years thereafter I leaned toward Christian Universalism. Throughout that time I read about various schools of thought regarding different beliefs, including atheism.
Eventually I began to see the Bible as other written works; that is, as historical literature instead of the "God-breathed Word." I had landed in the agnostic camp.
It took me until around 2010 to really accept that I no longer believed the scriptures to be infallible nor to be the inerrant Word of God. It took another five years to become comfortable with my agnosticism. For now, in 2017, I'm happy with that.
But I'm more happy that I can reasonably trust my self again, that I'm continuing to learn who I am and what I like, that I'm able to live without constantly battling shame and guilt, and that I'm becoming my own best friend.
And I'm most happy that my family remained intact after leaving The Way and that our children are not living under the constraints of Way doctrine and practices.
For the most part, life is good and certainly much larger than when I was a Way believer.
~*~
Excerpt Series: Part Three of my Way story
1984 and onward: Loyalty ~ Exit ~ Aftermath ~ Life
~*~
July 3, 2017
I tell myself I'm lucky....
It dawned on me this morning that, instead of trying to get back to a pre-surgery pattern in regard to managing my nerve damage, I'd benefit more by accepting the apparent new pattern that has emerged.
Pre-surgery during my "good" weeks, I'd have consecutive "good" days in a row. Up to like 21 days? That is no longer the case. It's not that I don't get relief, but rather the relief is bumpy, up-and-down, instead of consecutive.
Used to be the typical pattern was:
The new, post-surgery pattern is:
My "good" weeks are relative and do not mean that my body functions normally; but rather, my body performs better in comparison to my "bad" weeks which I may start referring to as my "count-down" weeks putting a more positive spin on the label.
All that said, it appears that since surgery I am getting improvement in my back. And maybe also in my neck and jaws and arms. I'll just have to wait and see how this 12-week round unfolds.
I tell myself I'm lucky, most incredibly lucky....
Sometimes it doesn't work...
And I cry...
Today, it's working.
~*~
"You try to tell yourself that you've been lucky, most incredibly lucky, and usually that works because it's true. Sometimes it doesn't work, that's all. Then you cry." ~Stephen King
I get it, completely.
I think most people who have lived their fair share of this life get it.
If not now or yet, they'll most likely get it at some point.
King's quote is from his book On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, page 263 in my version. The context is a few weeks after King had been hit by a minivan while he was walking in 1999. He was still in the hospital and hadn't yet started rehab. It was a horrendous accident. If he hadn't landed right where he landed after the collision, he would have most likely been killed or permanently paralyzed.
Dad wasn't as lucky as King. Dad didn't get killed, but he was rendered a quadriplegic for his remaining twelve-and-a-half years of life. Dad was in a vehicle in his head-on collision in 1983; he wasn't walking.
~*~
If there is a loving creator, I don't think s/he/it would demand a temple from men's hands to be built for him or her or it. Nor do I think s/he/it would demand worship. What good parent would ever demand worship from their children or relics to be built to a parent? A good parent doesn't demand credit be given them. A good parent (or person who's lived enough experiences/years) knows that the fruit of their labor and/or loins and/or life is enough.
Are not the beauties of creation enough for a creator?
I read from the Amplified Bible earlier today, the introduction and chapters one and two of the Book of Hebrews.
~*~
Pre-surgery during my "good" weeks, I'd have consecutive "good" days in a row. Up to like 21 days? That is no longer the case. It's not that I don't get relief, but rather the relief is bumpy, up-and-down, instead of consecutive.
Used to be the typical pattern was:
I'd get my epidural/neck-shot combination. I'd get relief within the first week. Then once it was in full force which would begin in post-weeks one or two, I'd get consecutive daily relief up until post-week four or five at which time I'd have to boost my daily prednisone from 1.5 mg to around 6 mg and then tritrate back down to 1.5 mg to then receive my neck shots at post-week 6 which would take me to post-week nine or ten before I'd have to boost my daily prednisone to 15 mg and then tritrate down to 1.5 to take me to post-week 12 when I'd receive my next epidural/neck-shot combo. (How's that for a long, boring, run-on sentence?)
The new, post-surgery pattern is:
I get my epidural/neck-shot combo. Like with my pre-surgery pattern, I feel the relief within the first week. But I'm not sure when it reaches full force. Kind of seems it never arrives, and neither does the pre-surgery consecutive-days relief pattern.
I have a "good" day and then have one or two "bad" days which I push through trying to re-establish my pre-surgery pattern. And I end up frustrated and more fatigued than if I hadn't tried to re-establish that old normal. Since surgery I've also had to apply my two routine prednisone boosts earlier in my twelve-week cycle, at post-weeks two to three (as opposed to four or five) and again post-weeks eight to nine (as opposed to nine or ten).
I have a "good" day and then have one or two "bad" days which I push through trying to re-establish my pre-surgery pattern. And I end up frustrated and more fatigued than if I hadn't tried to re-establish that old normal. Since surgery I've also had to apply my two routine prednisone boosts earlier in my twelve-week cycle, at post-weeks two to three (as opposed to four or five) and again post-weeks eight to nine (as opposed to nine or ten).
My "good" weeks are relative and do not mean that my body functions normally; but rather, my body performs better in comparison to my "bad" weeks which I may start referring to as my "count-down" weeks putting a more positive spin on the label.
All that said, it appears that since surgery I am getting improvement in my back. And maybe also in my neck and jaws and arms. I'll just have to wait and see how this 12-week round unfolds.
I tell myself I'm lucky, most incredibly lucky....
Sometimes it doesn't work...
And I cry...
Today, it's working.
~*~
"You try to tell yourself that you've been lucky, most incredibly lucky, and usually that works because it's true. Sometimes it doesn't work, that's all. Then you cry." ~Stephen King
I get it, completely.
I think most people who have lived their fair share of this life get it.
If not now or yet, they'll most likely get it at some point.
King's quote is from his book On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, page 263 in my version. The context is a few weeks after King had been hit by a minivan while he was walking in 1999. He was still in the hospital and hadn't yet started rehab. It was a horrendous accident. If he hadn't landed right where he landed after the collision, he would have most likely been killed or permanently paralyzed.
Dad wasn't as lucky as King. Dad didn't get killed, but he was rendered a quadriplegic for his remaining twelve-and-a-half years of life. Dad was in a vehicle in his head-on collision in 1983; he wasn't walking.
~*~
If there is a loving creator, I don't think s/he/it would demand a temple from men's hands to be built for him or her or it. Nor do I think s/he/it would demand worship. What good parent would ever demand worship from their children or relics to be built to a parent? A good parent doesn't demand credit be given them. A good parent (or person who's lived enough experiences/years) knows that the fruit of their labor and/or loins and/or life is enough.
Are not the beauties of creation enough for a creator?
I read from the Amplified Bible earlier today, the introduction and chapters one and two of the Book of Hebrews.
~*~