Images...

In March 2025, two Trump supporters and a Trump voter and I sat at the dinner table. One of the supporters said something derogatory about Biden. 

I thought, Do I say anything? 

And then I responded with something like, "What about Trump? He's worse..." 

The dialog went downhill from there. I was angered at (among other things) how anyone could support the tactics of ICE and Trump's constant dehumanizing rhetoric--such as labeling all or most undocumented/illegal immigrants as rapists, murderers, scum, and whatever other derogatory labels Trump regularly throws out from his keyboard or tongue.  

Another thing I stated was that I wouldn't be surprised if Trump leads us into a Depression and/or WWIII.  

[Please note that "I wouldn't be surprised" does not equal "I believe."]

I also shared that the bottom-line reason I voted for Harris, instead of either not voting or voting for a third-party candidate whom I figured would lose, was because I'd rather navigate the censorship of the Left than what I saw coming as the censorship of MAGA. 

[I later realized that the word "censorship" may be better stated as "government overreach."] 

One of the supporters was quite surprised at my bottom-line reason and said, "That's a new one. I haven't heard that before." 

That supporter and I later discussed our previous heated back-and-forth. Yes, we disagree on Trump and now stick mainly to subjects we have in common, though our opinions on the common sometimes also differ.  

Almost a year later on February 5, 2026, I wrote in my journal:

Carol, what do you mean by or can you describe what you saw coming from MAGA?

MAGA is fundamentalist. Fundamentalism provides easy answers. Example: 'We don't like you, so we'll get rid of you.' And MAGA uses the Bible, the major religious book of authority in US history, to back its fundamentalism. 

Versus the Left; example: 'We don't like you, but we will tolerate you, to a point.'

The Left uses so-called science to determine when their tolerance reaches a stopping point. But how and where do they get that "science?" Hmm, follow the money. I'm thinking of pharmaceutical companies. 

Today is April 19, 2026, and we are at war with Iran, and prices for goods and gasoline are up. 

Will we end up in a Depression or WWIII? 

I hope not.

(Personally, due to the current war causing a shortage of a specific poly-foam, Hubby and I are having to delay much needed foundation work on our home. But at least we have a brick-and-mortar, physical home. *gratitude*)

As I've read and watched MAGA pundits, Old Testament Bible verses are often used to justify the Iran war. The only New Testament verses I've read or heard from them come from the Book of Revelation. I've also seen folks use the account of Jesus throwing the money changers out of the temple.

Justifying by using the Old Testament and Book of Revelation makes complete sense; both are ripe with stories of war and annihilation of the unbeliever. 

But what of the gospels? What of the Pauline epistles? 

Both seem to be absent from these pundits.

I recently reread the Book of Romans and wondered if these claiming-to-be-Christian pundits had ever read it.

Personally, I believe The Way International's interpretation of scripture is more accurate than most other interpretations.

"Omg, Carol! How can you say that!?!"

I chuckle at that response. 

My answer is layered and complex. 

And it includes my time as an agnostic; a Methodist; a Baptist; a Charismatic; a Way believer; a serious student of Biblical word studies; a quasi-Christian Universalist; a reader about and of various religions, beliefs, and myths... 

One thing The Way taught that I believe is more accurate than tradition is that Jesus died on a Wednesday and was raised on a Saturday--thus fulfilling 3 days and 3 nights in the grave--and that he was crucified right as the Judeans were sacrificing their Passover lambs; Jesus was the literal Passover. When I shared this with someone the Wednesday before Easter this year, they responded, "That makes much more sense!'

I also want to note that Wierwille did plagiarize. 

And much of Way interpretation comes from other sources; E.W. Bullinger comes to mind.

~*~

As I lay in bed this past week before drifting off, I was thinking about Hegseth's Pulp Fiction prayer and about MAGA pundits using OT scripture as a justification for war. 

And I thought of the Jesus I learned of through the decades... 

The Jesus I loved as a brother...

The Jesus who was not God but fully human and understood human doubts and hardships and longings...

The Jesus who stood up for the poor and marginalized...

The Jesus who was falsely accused and executed and prayed while hanging on the stake, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Then some visuals came to mind...

An image of Jesus being repulsed by the current political administration and the people as whited sepulchers. 

Then an image of Jesus feeling his repulse, recognizing it as a normal human reaction, and recognizing that misuse of scripture is what power-hungry humans do. It is to be expected; it's no surprise. 

The next image was of Jesus, peaceful and calm, steadily going about his calling of John 3:16.

~*~

So does the above mean I've reconverted back to being a Bible believer? 

No.

I'm still a CU-leaning agnostic, sprinkled with mysticism. 

These days I feel a deep resonance with the principles of Daoism. 

~*~

Into the Mystic by Van Morrison

Quack: Projection or Pattern Recognition?

I don't exactly recall when I first wondered, Why does Trump outright lie about the obvious?

(Currently the "obvious" are statements about the economy doing better, how grocery prices are lower, how the USA is respected again around the world, how gas prices are down to $2.00 a gallon, and so forth...)

The knee-jerk response to my question could be, "Because he's a sociopath, a malignant narcissist, a conman, a gaslighter, and ..." 

But that still doesn't answer my question. 

Perhaps it'd be better phrased, "What advantage is there to outright lying when a person/people are outright experiencing the opposite of that which the liar proclaims?" 

The Way taught, "Confession of receipt yields receipt of confession," which means to speak into realty that which hasn't yet manifested. And also, to build one's believing so that the manifestation can happen.

Trump grew up attending Norman Vincent Peale's church. Peale taught similar to what The Way taught/teaches regarding this formula. This manifestation doctrine has been labeled the "health-and-wealth gospel."

Ah, maybe that's it. Trump maybe does believe that if he speaks something that isn't as if it is, in due time, what he speaks will manifest. 

*~*

In addition to the Jeffrey Epstein fiasco, I've been keeping an eye on the recent online feud between Marjorie Taylor Greene and Donald J. Trump.

What I see in Trump's responses is someone who is hiding or protecting something or someone. In his responses I see someone who is (or at least may be) guilty of the thing(s) of which he is accused and/or of the very things of which he accuses others. 

I witnessed this type of behavior in The Way and in the anti-cult movement and (more up close and personal) with John M. Knapp, formerly LMSW... 

Name calling, the perp making him/herself into a victim, deflection, threats, false accusations against those who are calling out the aggressor, outright lies to prop up just how righteous the perp is, flamboyant theatre as a way for the perp to present him/herself as someone who thinks outside the box and is taking a stand for truth in a clever way...

~*~

When The Way was unraveling in the latter 1980s and then again in the latter 1990s (corresponding with two big Way-believer exoduses), Hubby and I considered and discussed what we had heard and read. Each time we made, what we considered at the time, an informed decision to continue with The Way through both those exoduses. One of our concluding reasons to stay was, "There's nothing else better out there..." 

I've heard and read folks state regarding Trump, "Well, it's still better than Biden or Kamala." That statement kind of reminds me of us deciding there was nothing better outside the household of The Way. But how can one know if there's anything better if they don't look around and check out what else is out there? And how can one know that things would be worse under Kamala? 

[BTW, a bottom-line reason I voted for Harris (and either not vote or vote for a third-party candidate whom I figured would lose) was because I'd rather navigate the censorship/government overreach of the Left than what I saw coming as the censorship/government overreach of MAGA.]

As far as the sexual-abuse accusations against Wierwille (the founder and first president of The Way) and other top leadership in The Way, Hubby and I believed devil spirits were at work in the accusers. After all, the devil is "the father of lies" and he is always into blaming the Ministry so as to keep people enslaved to his manipulations. Also, free-love hippies were flocking to The Way in the 1960s through the early 1980s; these women probably flaunted Wierwille and in a moment of weakness he succumbed. And why didn't these women speak up earlier?  After all, they didn't speak up until after Wierwille died; he couldn't defend himself. 

Does that reasoning (by Hubby and me at the time) sound familiar? 

It's called rationalization and is a normal, human response when one is holding onto a "truth" in which they have invested a lot of energy, money, time, heart, life, effort, and trust. 

Hubby and I now believe and know differently regarding, among other things, the accounts of the women who have shared some of their experiences.

~*~

This morning, I read an X-post by MTG calling out DJT on one of his lies about her, that she had been calling him a lot and complaining to everyone that he hasn't returned her calls. She responded with the facts -- she hasn't called him, but she has sent him two texts which she posted. 

Good for MTG. That's how one should (depending on circumstances) respond to false accusations. 

Respond with the facts and material evidence if one has any.

DJT's post about MTG are just small, little lies that one could chalk up to just a misspeak...

That said, the devil is in the details...

~*~

When Knapp initially privately gaslit me and privately falsely accused me in August 2010, I could have brushed it off as not-that-big-of-a-deal. And in comparison to most abuses, it was "small" (unless you were in my shoes). But within a week of Knapp's abusive actions and words directed at me, I learned this wasn't the first time Knapp had behaved in this manner. The information I received was corroborated by someone else later that month. And yes, knowing that was one reason I decided that I should file an official complaint -- Knapp's behavior was a pattern.

As I state elsewhere upon learning this information: 

"...I am stunned at the things shared with me. I ask why no one spoke up about these incidents as a warning for others. Chris tells me that people allowed a wide margin for Knapp because of the supposed trauma he had suffered due to the TMO [Transcendental Meditation Organization]. Also, some thought Knapp had changed after going back to school and earning his social work license.

Though I don't take all the information at face value, it does match my experience. Knapp had behaved toward me as he had toward others.

But none of the others were clients..."

Of course, my personal experiences were not on a gigantic, national, worldwide scale which can result in national or global havoc (which brings to mind Covid).

And one could say that I'm projecting my experiences into what I am currently witnessing (and have witnessed) in the MAGA-sphere.

But here's another way to look at it: Maybe it's not projection, but rather pattern recognition.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, most likely, it's a duck.

~*~

For a deeper dive into my experiences with Knapp, here are three links:

1) This is a copy of my complaint which I filed at the end of September 2010: Complaint Overview.

2) This post shares my response to Knapp's public accusations which he posted on his organization's website and on social media (tagging folks in the cult-recovery field) almost a year later, in August 2011: My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations.

3) This post shares a deep dive (but still omits details) into the timeline of events: The Knapp Saga: For the Record. As I state in the opening of the piece, one of the reasons that I decided to post the timeline is "because perhaps this record... may help validate anyone who has endured a similar manipulative experience; whether with Knapp or someone else. The timeline gives an example of the slow process into entanglement and of rationalizing certain behaviors because of so-called trust."

Again, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, most likely, it's a duck...

~*~~*~

Well, this is interesting...

After I published this blog piece I checked my blog stats for the past 24 hours. And, lo and behold, one post that had been visited is entitled "Why would they lie?"  

The piece takes a deeper dive into my rationalizations regarding sexual abuse allegations of Way leadership. Unlike my 11/15/25 post which poses the question regarding a perpetrator, the 2019 post poses the same question but in regard to the victim-survivors and whistleblowers...

TDS1 and TDS2...

TDS, or Trump Derangement Syndrome, is a derogatory term used by MAGA disciples to make fun of people who supposedly respond to Trump by displaying hysteria, overreactive anxiety and depression, paranoia, and more hysteria.

TDS isn't original. It's original predecessor, BDS or Bush Derangement Syndrome, was coined by Charles Krauthammer in 2003. He defined it as "the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies, the presidency—nay—the very existence of George W. Bush."

~*~

On eX-Twitter, I sometimes read posts from MAGA disciples. Here are people (many who claim to be Christian and many who post anonymously) expressing anger and outrage via ridiculing another's physical appearance, name-calling, foul language, arrogance, and our baser human attributes. Would they express the same if they used their real names as opposed to hiding behind an anonymous handle?

Perhaps one reason a person may feel justified to regularly display their outrage in this way is because their dear leader does the same, thus normalizing this type behavior as a legitimate and appropiate (Christian) response to those who disagree with or criticize the doctrine or the leader. It's a group dynamic thing; I engaged in similar rationalization during my 28 years in a fundamentalist Bible cult. 

I've had the thought that these same MAGA folks who shout "TDS!" must suffer from Democrat Derangement Syndrome or Liberal Derangement Syndrome. I imagine others have thought that as well. As I thought about those labels today, I wanted something a bit more clever, playing off the TDS acronym. What about "Trump Disciple Syndrome?" Which brought me a chuckle. 

How would I define it? People (many) who at one time were understanding, empathic, and tender-hearted become fearful, easily offended, and rageful at those who disagree with Trump or call him to account.

Trump Derangement Syndrome can be TDS1.

Trump Disciple Syndrome can be TDS2.

~*~

I watched Trump's inauguration speech. I don't have either TDS1 or TDS2, but I found the speech disturbing. And I found myself, as I watched and listened, again feeling familiarity. It brought to mind Wierwille and Martindale, the first two presidents of The Way Internataional, and probably hit upon something a bit deeper -- the throes of indoctrination. 

One of The Way's main themes is Word Over the World, which really means Way Doctrine Over the World. As I watched Trump and then Sewell's preachy-prayer, I thought (among other things), Oh great. Now we have USA Over the World. 

But that's how the USA was founded. Colonization. Strip the native cultures away to "civilize" (Christianize) them. Then when Musk spoke later about planting a USA flag on Mars it became, USA over the solar system. 

Having stated the above, some with TDS2 may accuse me of suffering from TDS1. Fine, except that I'd have to disagree. I know all too well the symptoms of depression, anxiety, and paranoia. I first experienced those symptoms back in high school; they had nothing to do with politics. I have experienced them off and on since that time, but again, not due to national or world politics. That's not to say I haven't felt anger and even disgust at Trump's dehumanizing behavior and words. 

Trump says he's gonna drill baby drill. 

Will he do it responsibly, taking into account our dear planet's health? I doubt it, but maybe I'll be surprised. (I hope so.) 

With more fracking, will Earth respond with more earthquakes? 

With more drilling, how much more oil will be spilled in our precious, already suffering oceans? 

Will RFK Jr. speak up on behalf of our planet? 

Will there be anyone under Trump's influence who will stand up for Earth? 

That said, if we don't stand up for Earth, She will let us know...

Perhaps via destruction of mankind's irresponsible tinkering with Her most so-called precious commodities...

From darkness, will there be light?

I open the email from Hubby, a forwarded newsletter about energy and about China not doing its part in abiding by the rules to help with carbon reduction and how the USA under Trump will focus on more drilling for natural gas and oil. 

I respond...

"More fracking & drilling...

All for the manufactured need of more energy because of the manufactured need that we humans need to go faster & build machines & computers to do more faster so that the ultra-rich can make more money...

I wonder how Earth will respond..."

The essay brought to mind something I'd heard recently: that the amount of energy required for one AI data center would be enough energy to power over 40,000 homes. (If true, I find it appalling.) I do not know how accurate that is, and I don't feel like researching it. But, like so much in this world, the money involved is gut-churning. 

The next day I open an email, a newsletter I am subscribed to. In this issue there is a link to an essay. by Wendell Berry, entitled Against killing children. (I'm a Wendell Berry fan. I find meaningful company and comfort in his nature poems.) It was first published in October. Now, it is linked again -- two days after another school shooting in the USA. The shooter this time? A fifteen-year-old female...

~*~

As far back as I can recall, I have thought of (and still think of) humans as part of the animal kingdom. But Berry's essay caused me pause. Perhaps I am wrong about that, at least from a biblical point of view. Perhaps we were and still are (from birth) made in the image of Elohim. Wow, that's quite an image. It was Elohim that "in the beginning created the heavens and the earth." 

One of The Way's doctrines is referred to as "body, soul, and spirit." The body was "formed." The soul was "made." The spirit of God within humans was (and now is) "created." (Create means to bring into existence something from nothing; only God can "create.") The Way bases its interpretation on the Hebrew words for formed, made, and created (and the word for soul and creature).

To try to explain, in short...

1)  In the beginning, God "created" the earth. The body of man (and any living creature?) was then "formed" from the dust of the ground. God didn't have to "create" something from nothing; He "formed" the physical body from something he had already created - the earth.

2) God first created breath (soul) for the animals, so God did not have to recreate it for humans; He simply had to make it for humans. Since "the fall," humans are born with soul life, (passed down via the bloodline from Adam and Eve, which is the same breath life we share with the creatures, i.e.: animals). But humans are not born in God's image, which is spirit. We are born with a sinful nature, corruptible seed, impure blood, in need of a redeemer.

3) God had to create His image (which is spirit) within humans; God's spirit in mankind had not existed before. It had to be created. One thing that separates humans from animals, at least in the beginning, was this spirit of God. To this day, only the human animal can receive this spirit, this connection to God. Since Jesus Christ's completed work, at the very instant a person gets "born again," God "creates" His spirit within that person. Even though it is the gift of holy spirit, it is tailor-created for that individual.

So, humans draw breath because of the same mechanism, the same soul life, that is found in the animals. The first humans also (along with that soul breath life) housed the spirit from God, of God, until Adam committed high treason and lost that spiritual connection. (Referred to as "the fall.") A redeemer was then required to be sacrificed to again make that connection available. Jesus Christ was/is that redeemer. 

As I share elsewhere: 

Upon birth, a human is body and soul; we are not born with God's spirit abiding within. "Soul" is breath-life, encompassing genetics; all animals have soul until their last breath. A person does not receive the spirit of God until they decide to become born again (also known as being saved, made whole, redeemed, or the new birth). However, children are counted as saved as long as one parent is saved. This continues until the child reaches an age of accountability when the child is able to independently make a decision to be saved or not.

Way followers believe that a person gets born again by believing Romans 10: 9 and 10. That is, a person must confess with their mouth (out loud is not necessary) that Jesus is Lord (not as God, but as Master) and believe in their heart that God raised Jesus from the dead. To accept Jesus into one's heart or to believe that Jesus is God does not result in a person being born again; those are counterfeit formulas. Once a person is born again, they cannot, for any reason, lose their salvation. The only people who cannot be saved are those born of the seed of the serpent, the devil. 

That's a really short version of a deep and complex subject. 

(Click here for an overview of The Way's beliefs.)

~*~

   

Below are a few excerpts from Berry's essay. 

Perhaps it will be enough to entice the reader to read more.  

The essay is a long but worth the time. 

Wendell Berry is 90 years old. 

Link to the essay: Against killing children ...

"... like many children of my generation, I enjoyed a freedom that has become rare, almost extinct. The best part of my early education was the free, unsupervised playing and rambling with other children in our small towns and the freedom to wander in fields and woods. We were to a degree endangered, of course, by the world’s native hazards and our inexperience, but we acquired experience, too, the kind of experience that supervision excludes, and thus something in the way of caution.

 

Today in our not very free country, children are first in line to be unfree. They are enclosed in specialized child worlds constructed for them by frightened and mostly absent adults. And yet they are in danger, now not so much from nature and accident as from an industrial instrument made expressly for death-dealing, wielded against them by an irate or maddened gunslinger. They are not safe in their schools, and if not there then obviously not in any public place.

A new and most acute pain comes into the heart with the thought of little children learning in school their poor means of protecting themselves against a gunman come to kill them. It is convenient, a relief of sorts, to look upon this as anomalous, supposing that this killing of children in school is perpetrated by people exceptionally crazed or maddened, or to blame it on the proliferation of guns or the inadequacy of gun laws. There may be some truth in these explanations. It seems that people are becoming more likely to be crazed by a popular anger or hatred or some extremity of politics. It is true that people in general own too many guns.... 

But I am attempting to talk here about a radical reduction of childhood, which can happen only by way of a radical reduction of parenthood, of adulthood, of what it means to be a grown-up human being. It is not enough to single out offenders or groups of offenders, as I have been doing, and lay blame. These reductions are national in scope. In one way or another they involve us all, and among their implications is the killing of children. I dread to say so, but we have become a child-killing nation. The kindest way to put this is to say that we have become a society of people who cannot prevent our own children from being killed in their classrooms or in other gathering places and who do not much mind the killing of other people’s children by weapons of war that we have made and assigned to that purpose. Sooner or later, we will have to ask how we can so disvalue the lives of other people’s children without, by the same willingness, disvaluing the lives of our own....

...we have got to ask if there is a point at which Christian conscience, or any conscience, can say no to a technological 'advance' of any kind. I will mention again, as I have done often before, the Old Order Amish, who have maintained an effective freedom of choice for themselves by limiting the economic scale of their lives and by asking of any proposed innovation a single question: 'What will this do to our community?' ...

...Trainability, as we know from our dealings with parrots and dogs, is a mark of intelligence. Perhaps because of our big brains, we were easily trained to want television sets and computers...

...Genesis 1:27 declares that 'God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him: male and female created he them.' I would like to read that for what it is: not history or science, as we understand those terms, but a part of the King James translation of a Hebrew poem about the origin of everything. As religious statements often do, this one places us between two perfectly symmetrical impossibilities: nobody can prove that God created us in his own image, and nobody can prove that he did not...

...To be made in the image of God is to be made unique among the other creatures, to be made especially uncomfortable in our dealings with them and therefore especially in need of instruction. Unlike the other creatures, we need laws to keep us in harmony with heaven and earth and with one another. And so God reveals himself from the first as a lawgiver. His laws come as light in darkness, allowing us even when we disobey them—which we are free of course to do and often have done—to see what we are doing and to know what is expected of us. This is why the blessed man of the first Psalm delights 'in the law of the Lord.' He recognizes the relief and the immense privilege of knowing the difference between right and wrong...."

~*~

Keb' Mo' with Victims of Comfort...

~*~

Doxology with I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day (Acapella)...

Click here to read the history of this song composed from a poem by Longfellow which he wrote during the USA Civil War. 

Two verses of his poem are excluded from the song. Those verses are...

Then from each black, accursed mouth

The cannon thundered in the South,

And with the sound

The carols drowned

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent

The hearth-stones of a continent,

And made forlorn

The households born

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

~*~

HAARD...

I wrote the following on November 14th. 

I'm hesitant to click publish. Why? 

I don't want to misrepresent myself... 

The piece may come across as a bunch of insubstantial muddle...

As clear and thin as muddy water...

And maybe that's okay...

Maybe that's a good reason to click publish...

~*~

11/14/24

So how did I feel when I learned that Trump had again won the US presidency?

Maybe I should start with what I did not feel.

I did not feel disgust or anxiety or shock.

Perhaps disappointment?

But... I can't even say I felt disappointment.

I felt more like someone who, through a series of explorations, reaches the acceptance phase of living with a rare, incurable disease.  

With an incurable diagnosis, after the initial shock, at some point, comes acceptance, resolve, determination and adaptation. 

Acceptance for what is and what may come.

Resolve to do one's best despite the diagnosis or prognosis.

Determination to accept and live each day, each moment, as it unfolds.

Adaptation as one finds a new way to function in their new abnormal-normal life.

I'll call it AARD. (Hmmm...if I add an H for Human, it becomes HAARD. Ain't that the truth?) Depending on the length and severity of symptoms, the afflicted goes through AARD multiple times with ever widening and deeper levels.

One learns to adapt and live with their changing limitations; to navigate the physical-emotional-mental roller coaster of symptoms, remedies, laborious self-care, appointments, ups and downs, twists and turns, and isolation.

One learns to mourn and grieve their losses, often alone in the privacy of their own world.

If the person is fortunate, they have one or two confidantes whom they can trust to be with them through their various levels of grief and acceptance.

And one learns to find joy, despite their circumstance.

To find silver linings.

To discover how to flip a dire circumstance (without bypassing the reality) into something meaningful, finding something to hang on to, something to help ground them, to help find peace with it all without allowing the condition to become one's full identity. It can be a huge undertaking with circumstances that the disabled did not consciously choose. (Again, I think of Dad who lived over 12 years as a quadriplegic.)

Like others, I have lived this up close and personal. not only in my own life, but in others for whom I have cared, human and non-human -- from quadriplegia to blindness. I penned a prose recently, endeavoring to relay a bird's eye view of what one woman has felt in her journey to acceptance. That woman is me. 

This feeling of accepting the presidential election news like an incurable disease wasn't about Trump himself, but more about our society with so many of us trapped in an insular loop of rationalization, justification, true believerism; where opinions and beliefs beyond one's own are judged as wrong, evil, demonic. I think I think that this incurable disease is the narcissistic side of our human condition depicted by traits such as lust, greed, arrogance, self-righteousness.

I, like others, have lived this also. I once "knew that I knew that I knew" the truth. I didn't just believe, I knew that "the Bible was the revealed Word and Will of God." I knew that The Way was the genuine "household of God" teaching the "rightly divided Word," the only accurate interpretation of the Bible. 

Then that which I had known as absolute and inerrant, shattered.
And I began to puzzle back together the shattered pieces to form a new vase.  (Poem: Shattered Pieces)

From my experience, one of the main characteristics of cultic thinking is limited choice.

It's what I discovered not only in a religious cult but also in the anti-cult movement.

And I learned that that cultic behavior is human behavior which happens on a continuum. 

We all have biases.

So, what about you Carol?

Where are you trapped?

I feel trapped in a crippled body which (figuratively) climbs a mountain every day to perform the simplest of tasks such as clothing and feeding oneself, making the bed, and squeezing a toothpaste tube,...

I feel trapped in a continual repetition of levels of AARD, over and over and over, like Groundhog Day...

Does that mean that I am trapped in the tribe of the disabled, though I rarely communicate with others in that tribe? I rarely communicate with others in general. Engaging takes energy that I seldom have. ( A prose from 2021: Bubbles of isolation into sacredness...)

It seems, through much of my life, I have been/am often in the minority.

Polyradiculitis is no exception.

In the over 13 years that I've lived with this condition, I've only met one other person who has the same. 

But they have it only on one side of their body affecting only one arm.

I have it on both sides affecting all four limbs and extremities, my back, my neck, my jaws, and more. 

Even though it determines my choices in my day-to-day life, polyradiculitis is not my identity (or at least I don't want it to be)...

This is just my life...

Given to me to live...

One day, one moment, one circumstance at a time, with its continual adaptations...

Thus far, it's been a rich, full, ever-learning, and sometimes wild ride...

~*~

Threads...

Threads turn into tapestries...

Pulling a thread can unravel a garment...

Hanging on by a thread can save a life...

 

~*~

As I continue to reread the book, The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump (2017), I find it grounding. Why is that? I wonder. 

Perhaps that seems odd - that such a book would have a grounding effect. It seems odd to me; then again, I fall in the "odd" category regularly. (To read why I chose to reread that particular book, click here: Thoughts and sighs... .)

What are some possible reasons for this grounding effect? 

• What I am reading affirms some of my thoughts, experiences, feelings regarding people who display same or similar traits that the book outlines. 
• As I read the chapters, I think less about Trump and more about those people in my life who have displayed these traits, which may help clear any cobwebs left over from those personal experiences.
• Interestingly, I do not think about Way leadership -- Wierwille or Martindale or Rivenbark or others. Why is that? I think because (for me) The Way was not so much a cult of personality as it was a totalistic system where the doctrine superseded everything in my life. Yes, I was definitely influenced by leaders, but my focus was always the doctrine, part of which was to obey leadership as long as the commands/demands/directives were based on the accuracy of the Word (doctrine) as taught by The Way. (Robert J. Lifton calls this "doctrine over person" which Lifton lists as number 7 on his "Eight Criteria for Thought Reform.")
• As I read, I question, How many of these traits do I display, and where do they fall on a continuum? 

So that's part of what's happening in that thread... 

~*~

What about the effects of Smile Therapy? :)  

 

So far, good. It's not necessarily easy to put on a smile, especially on high-symptom days. This smile often helps me redirect from a path of despair to a path of peace. It's like... I'm more accepting of my limits, and I feel/believe that my work of selfcare is commendable. This can be really difficult at times -- finding value in the often-solo care of my symptoms. It can feel pointless at times -- Why continue with all the selfcare details if all I do is maintain a crippled body? 

At some point, I may write about my low-level laser therapy, which is part of my selfcare routine. Hubby and I have no doubt that the treatments have kept me from becoming bedridden since having to give up my routine lumbar epidurals in April 2022. (I had approximately 38 epidurals over a course of eight-plus years, 2014 into 2022.)

~*~

The Gaither Vocal Band with Good Things Take Time...

No more pictures...

 I sit here, at this keyboard, thinking about what to share...

The daytrips I've not written about --

Love Valley; Lin Cove Viaduct and the rain washing away my cares and then being able to climb into the back of Sir Edward the Explorer in the pouring rain and maneuver which is quite a feat for me; the fresco viewings in Statesville, Morganton, and Montreat; Hickory to visit a longtime friend and Bunker Hill Bridge; Grayson Highlands which was a huge trip that took me three days to recover from but was worth it; Meadows of Dan and visits with folks at The Poor Farmers Market; and whatever else I'm not recalling at the moment.

The political deluge -- 

I was disappointed that Kennedy dropped his campaign. I was appalled he decided to endorse Trump, and that switch causes me more doubt about Kennedy. I had had a couple red flags but had put them aside. So now, I trust Kennedy less. And I wonder, How can a person have unity with a psychopath? Only by agreeing with the psychopath. Does the psychopath fulfill a certain role in society? Do I really believe "psychopathy" is a real thing? I mean, it's hard to fathom that a person has no empathy. How can a person be human without empathy? Unfortunately, experience has taught me that maybe... "some humans ain't human." But deep down, I don't believe that. I want to believe that one day, all wrongs will be made right, even with people who seem to have no empathy. 

I won't be posting any more personal pictures on my blog; Google now requires a blogger to allow Google access to the blogger's photos to post a pic. That wasn't the case previously; I could upload a pic straight from my computer without granting another machine access. But then, who knows; maybe Google had access before but didn't make that known. Still, I'm not comfortable with the new(?) set up. My pictures aren't that good anyway; I use an old SE iPhone, and my hands most always tremble.

~*~

The other week as I was thinking about the frescoes, the thought ran through my noggin, These frescoes. They are so rich and deep. It's like the people and animals could walk right out of the wall. They feel so real. Ahhh....in another time they were physically there. Each animal and person in the frescoes had a real (most of them living) animal or person as a model...

The past couple months I've been meditating on II Corinthians 4:18 attributed to Paul the Apostle: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporal, but what is unseen is eternal." 

I cannot see those models in the flesh now. Nor can I see, in real time, the people whom the models represent. And even if I could, they are temporal. Everything dies, eventually. Perhaps everything breaks, eventually. So, I can only see these stories of the past in my mind's eye. 

Are stories temporal? 

But the past cannot itself be changed. It can only be remembered or forgotten. And memories are a tricky thing. One reason I like journaling in the present moment - to capture any given moment in real time. 

I've looked at the unseen air as I've pondered that scripture. Air cannot be seen. Breath cannot be seen. Spirit cannot be seen. Music cannot be seen but can be heard. Aromas cannot be seen but can be smelled. Tender touch, or harmful touch, cannot be seen but can be felt; same goes for emotions. Thoughts cannot be seen but can be expressed into art, into words. 

Soul itself cannot be seen, but it is the mechanism which makes me, me and you, you. It includes the life force that keeps our physical hearts beating. It includes our genetic make-up. It includes cellular memories which date back to the first blood. It probably includes aspects that are beyond our human grasp.

Ecclesiastes 3:11, attributed to Solomon, states that God has set eternity in the hearts of humans. Does that not imply that every heart has divinity within it? Does it mean the soul is eternal? But Jeremiah 17:9 states that the human heart is deceitful above all else, wickedly sick, and beyond cure. A prayer attributed to David states, "Create in me a clean heart, O God..." So, did the ancients believe that the human heart contains eternal divinity and also a wickedness beyond cure but that the cure was for God to create a new heart within an individual? Of course, that heart is not the physical organ but is figurative representing 'the seat of one's personal life.' 

~*~

I think if I had to make a choice as to which daytrip has been the most magical, that's a hard choice. But Grayson Highlands would be near the top, along with the trip to Montreat. 

As most of my trips go, I was one of only a few humans at Grayson. By the time I got back to Edward to eat my picnic supper, he sat alone awaiting me in the parking area. I was the sole human as I ate my salad with nuts and chips and took in the scene(seen) and the unseen and the just-hiked memories on the mountain. I had seen 16 feral ponies, four of them foals. 

Montreat was completely different in that I wasn't solo; the campus was bustling with students and faculty...

I first met up with an online friend in Black Mountain. We had never met face-to-face. Funny thing - we each brought a small gift to give to the other. After our visit I headed up the hill to Montreat College campus where school was in session and where I had gone to college in the fall of 1977. I enjoyed the fresco and other art in the Chapel of the Prodigal which didn't exist when I went to school there. I really enjoyed talking with some of the students and faculty. In talking with one professor I asked, "What do you profess?" He chuckled and answered, "Philosophy and biblical studies." I asked, "Did you know Dr. Newton? He was my favorite professor back in '77." The man's eyes lit up, "Yes! I knew John. He was a good man. He died a few years back." 

~*~

While at Montreat, a lady mentioned that she had seen something on PBS about Ben Long and the frescoes. Later I searched and found the footage below. The narrator describes my thoughts from a few weeks prior to finding this footage.

The fresco that the clip shares the most about is located at CoMMA Performing Arts Center in Morganton. This fresco is on the ceiling in the large area right outside the auditorium where musicians perform. The music volume has to be kept below a certain decibel; if it's too loud it can crack the fresco. On the floor directly under the fresco is a large round braided rug. The rug hides a turntable that is built into the floor. So, I lay down, stared up at the fresco, and watched the parade of muses as the turntable slowly turned. The fresco is too large to fit into one picture frame. 

When I visited, I was, as typical, the sole visitor. Two employees were working, one who had worked at the time when the Sacred Dance of the Muses came to life. So, I received some personal information including a copy of a handwritten list of the models for the fresco. After looking it over the next day, I realized that the list was probably written by Ben Long; beside his name was penned "Woe is me." In the fresco he is sitting on the stairs, wearied from frescoing a ceiling. The CoMMA employee told me that Long had a massage therapist with him during his, and his team's, time putting pigment to fresh plaster on the ceiling. 

PBS: Our State -- Ben Long Frescoes/Peaches & Cream/Fort Macon

Destruction might be just around the corner...

 Are we catastrophizing our current state as a nation? 

"This is the most (or one of the most) important election(s) in our history."

"The country is on the brink of collapse."

"If the other side wins, we'll be a third world country."

"If the other side wins, we'll go backward to the 1950s." 

And on, and on, and on, and on...

The othering, especially from the Trump camp because to me it seems more prevalent than in the Harris camp, but maybe I look at too many Trump videos and tweets and not enough Harris, though I'm pretty burned out on all of it at this point. (How 'bout than for a run-on sentence...) 

So back to othering. The thought ran through my noggin recently, Trump's obsession with Harris reminds me of Martindale's obsession with devil spirits. But it's not just an obsession with Harris. Hmmm, I think that it's more Trump's obsession with "evil" that so reminds me of the second president of The Way; evil and devil spirits were a main focus through his entire tenure as The Way's president. And his hollering from the pulpit got louder as the years rolled along. I once asked a prominent Way leader why Martindale hollered so much. I was told it was because he doesn't want the Household to get tricked by the adversary. 

There were times in The Way that I thought, It seems like the devil is more powerful than God. It was all about control. We followers were treated as children, and we complied. Similarly, Trump's rhetoric paints a picture of the US as a terrible place to live -- for one, a country invaded by foreigners who commit horrendous crimes. How many crimes have been carried out by US citizens in comparison to these 'lawless invaders'? I wonder how many US mass shootings have been carried out by these 'evil people'? (And there, ladies and gentlemen, you have a run-on paragraph.) 

No, I do not believe that this is the most important election in history. 

Maybe it's one of the most important in this century, which just started 24 years ago. 

Looking back, which election was the most important in American history? 

Perhaps the very first election?

Or the election that first allowed women voters?

Or the election that first allowed black voters? 

Or an election when the US was in a boots-on-the-ground war?

If Trump wins, he wins. (But it won't be by my vote.)

If Harris wins, she wins. (Which would be historic - the first woman US President.)

If Kennedy wins, he wins. (It's a moon shot. I sure wish the debate hosts, or whomever makes the rules, would allow Kennedy as well as other third-party candidates on the stage.) 

On the other hand, our country and world may be on a course of soon-collapse regardless of who wins the US presidential election. (Will there be a "bloodbath," regardless of who wins or loses?)

A past friend once asked my thoughts on climate change.

I responded, "What did the dinosaurs do to cause their own extinction?"

Point being, that was one earth cycle. 

Eventually, regardless of what humans do or don't do, this current earth cycle too will/may eventually end, perhaps similar to the dinosaur age.

That said, I think we humans have a big impact on climate and environment. 

And we are to steward the earth with care and foresight for the future.  

Sadly, pollution is kind of like government corruption -- there's so much of it how can we ever clean it up? 

But we humans are a prideful bunch...

And as Solomon wrote, "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."

So, destruction might be just around the corner...

~*~

I don't know about the hereafter...

But I want to believe there is something good awaiting...

The Highway Men: Live Forever

~*~ 

A couple essays, about our times, which I read after posting the above:

1. Charles Eisenstein: An Us that requires no Them

2. Pilgrims in the Machine: 2030 and Beyond: Are the end times coming, again?

Thoughts and sighs.....

Here we go again... 

The thought ran through my head last night, with a sigh.

What was I bemoaning? 

Another election year, specifically with Trump. 

More thoughts continued...

I don't like election years. 

Rhetoric from the left. Rhetoric from the right. Each camp accusing the other camp of the same stuff, i.e.: "hate speech," "division," "lying, "communists," "nazis," and more.

It so much reminds me of my cult/anti-cult days. 

I think I'm triggered by all this craziness.

Another sigh...

Cult and anti-cult were like two sides of the same coin. We're right; they're wrong. We're good; they're bad. Our motives are pure; their motives are evil. Black; white. No room for nuance or consideration that the "other" may be right, at least about some things.

The thoughts above were triggered after the July thirteenth assassination attempt on Trump and the fist-up, bloody-eared iconic photo. Another feather in Trump's hat making him a kind of mythical human protected by divine intervention. Was that the case? If so, where was the divine intervention for the father, husband, and fire chief who sacrificed his life to save his family? What of the two other mass shootings later that same evening? Not to mention the oh-so-many children who have been killed by gunfire.

~*~

The week before July 13th, I had listened to a couple podcasts critical of The Way International's (TWI's) past. The day after listening to those, I received a text from an ex-Way friend with links to some old (1993-'94) home videos of showing family life at Way properties. I also watched some of the current YouTube videos from The Way. 

As I watched the '93-'94 home videos, my brain took me back to that timeframe in The Way. (I was involved from 1977 - 2005.) Watching the videos, a viewer might think that TWI sounds like a wonderful Chirstian group with which to be involved. The grounds are beautiful. The children and people all seem so happy. The Rock of Ages looks like a lot of fun...and it was; I was there.

Yet in reality, behind the scenes, sinister acts were being doled out; mainly, secret manipulative sexual favors for TWI's top leadership. I say "mainly," but that doesn't include the indoctrination of The Way being the "true household of God," the fear of devil-spirit possession if one leaves "the household," of the obedience to leadership, of the financial-giving command of at least 10% of one's income (more then 10% if one really desired spiritual understanding), and other stuff. 

Then, if one listens to the critical podcasts, a different picture of The Way is painted. Yet that information also is one-sided, and part of it is inaccurate. A listener may wonder why anyone could have stayed with The Way. The '93-'94 videos could show part of the why.

These two duplicitous Way "realities,' which I'm well aware of...

I don't know how to describe exactly how or what I felt afterward as I pondered them, except that of curiosity. The appearance that all is wonderful, when it isn't. Not that unusual really. I don't hang all my dirty laundry out there. But neither do I deny it. Denial of such can play a part in manipulation -- when an organization or individual denies (or exaggerates) their past.

So, how does someone know who or what to believe? Boy, that's a deep question -- beliefs and where they emanate from. 

The times I've been falsely accused, I've responded as truthfully as I could without exposing someone else's dirty laundry. But anyone learning about such accusations decides who and what to believe. 

Such was the case with one of my (now ex) mental health therapists. I have no doubt that probably many folks believe/ed him over me (except for those who were privy to the whole story and to the therapist's past). All I could do was to write a response to many of his accusations. The rest was/is left up to the reader.

~*~

So why am I triggered by Trump? 

I think because Trump reminds me too much of my past cult involvement and of that ex-mental health therapist whom I mention above who tried to assassinate my character with outright lies in at least 12 different online rants.

Both the founder of The Way and its second president regularly condemned, disdained, mocked, self-righteously judged, and derided people who left The Way or rejected Way doctrine. We, and we alone, had the truth. We were the true household of God. I not only believed that, I knew it, until I discovered that I was wrong.

My ex-therapist (mentioned above) published his smear pieces almost one year after I had filed an official complaint with his state board. After his smear attempts, the state investigator turned things over to the state prosecutor. But then the state had a difficult time locating him because the ex-therapist skipped state shortly after publishing his smear pieces and after a previous part-time employee took him to small claims court for not paying the employee. (That employee never got paid.) I was later a witness for the state at the ex-therapist's state board licensing hearing. The ex-therapist did not show for the hearing. He ended up losing his license. Though I was the only client to file a complaint, I was not the only client harmed.

As I state in a post where I share a bit about the similarities between Trump and the ex-therapist: In one of Knapp's thirteen 2011 online smear pieces, he made a statement, "Game on." But he was the only one playing a game. He lied. He threatened. He made himself out as a victim. He name-called. He assigned evil motives. He rallied his supporters, until he then turned on most of them.

Trump's behavior and rhetoric exhibits similar qualities described above.

As the saying goes, "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's (probably) a duck."

I rationalized my ex-cult leaders. I rationalized some of my ex-therapist's behavior, extending the benefit of the doubt, until I too got caught in his bullseye. 

~*~

So, cult stuff was floating around in my head entangled with the political stuff. 

Thus, I think, I've been triggered. 

Oh, how lovely. 

What can I do to help me feel/be more grounded as the months unroll toward the November election and beyond? 

• Limit my political news intake.
• Read books or articles that have helped me in the past. 
• Engage with life beyond the screen. Too much screen life can cause life to look narrow and small, when in reality, there's a big, wide world of discovery out there. So, go for that Carol. That is where you feel the most connected. 
• Don't be afraid of any trigger-responses. Thank them for having helped me at one time. Ask what they are trying to teach me now. Then, listen.
• Remember the BITE model. Behavior, information, thought, emotional manipulation or control. If I feel myself being pulled in any of those directions, stop. Pay attention. Ask questions (not necessarily with someone else, though there a few folks I trust with my inner-most challenges).
• Music and movement.
• Prayer and meditation.
• Long drives in the country and mountains.
• Continue to visit the frescoes on the North Carolina Fresco Trail.
• Visits via phone or in-person with friends and family.
• Help out local folks who are in need as I am able.
• Spread kindness.
• Keep writing.
• And remember the words of C.S. Lewis:

...In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. 

Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already 

sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high 

percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very 

great advantage over our ancestors — anesthetics; but we have that still. It 

is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because 

the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a 

world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was 

not a chance at all, but a certainty. 

This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull 

ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that 

bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things praying, working, 

teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting 

to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like 

frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a 

microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds...  ~C.S. Lewis, 1948

~*~~*~

Addendum:

8/07/24

I began a project last week: to identify the similarities between Trump and my experiences with The Way and with John Knapp. To help me ferret through these similarities, I have decided to reread the book The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump. I want to be as neutral as I can in this process which, of course, is a challenge. What helps me to maintain neutrality (as best I can) is to recall when I publicly addressed Knapp's accusations and when I filed an official complaint on Knapp, an ex-mental health therapist. In both instances I listed the facts of what happened and then listed my responses to those happenings. I had to do similar at his licensing board hearing when I was a witness for the state. (Click here for a deep dive into the timeline of events.) 

Today, I perused some things on my blog that I've written in the past. I find them helpful in navigating the craziness that abounds on Twitter/X and elsewhere on the digital stage. (I still prefer "Twitter." Sorry Elon.) 

Below is a list of some of those previous ramblings. I may expand this list as time goes on.

July 4, 2016: What is Truth? 

December 13, 2016: "Can a leopard change his spots?"

March 22, 2017: Rights and Lefts

July 10, 2017: Hush Patrol (an excerpt) 

August 17, 2017: Contrasts and comparisons...

October 21, 2017: Abnormal normals

September 21, 2017: Far-middle

November 28, 2017: Reality and boredom: "cult of continuous stimulation"

July 5, 2020: Bane in my quiver...

Bane in my quiver...

I used to be challenged with thinking I was unintelligent; I still am at times. It's been a bane in my quiver since at least my high school daze.

"Bane in my quiver." Is that even a thing?

A quiver holds arrows. A bane is something that causes distress. Archaically, bane is something, typically poisonous, that causes death.

I guess a quiver could hold arrows of ideas. And the bane of thinking one's ideas are unintelligent can stop 'em dead. Poison.

One way I used to counter this bane was by thinking of my husband. He's intelligent. Why would he marry someone who is unintelligent?

Too many times I've given the benefit of someone else's knowledge/opinion/intelligence over my own, even when I know the subject well. I still catch myself doing this, and it irks me. Perhaps it's one reason I so enjoy the company of animals and trees.

~*~

I read political and current-event news; I seldom listen to it or watch it. I endeavor to partake in limited doses, but I still overdose too often.

Sometimes instead of reading the news, I watch it. My husband and I don't watch enough TV to justify paying for cable or satellite. With an indoor antenna we don't get any news channels, which is nice. We could watch programs from those 24-hour news channels online. But we don't (though sometimes I watch clips).

When I watch the news, I like the PBS News Hour. I especially enjoy the David Brooks and Mark Shields segment, when I catch it. Hubby likes it too.

On a side note: David Brooks looks like my father, now deceased. Mark Shields looks like, from what I can remember, my Old Testament History college professor at Montreat-Anderson whom I liked a lot, Dr. Newton, also deceased.

When we can, Hubby and I like watching NC Spin and Front Row with Marc Rotterman, both on PBS, UNC-TV. The dialog and debate are respectful. Sometimes it gets a little heated, but we've never witnessed anyone go so low as name calling or treating another condescendingly or assuming the other's motives originate from ill-will.

Hubby and I regularly discuss current events and politics. John lands in the Libertarian camp. I'm somewhere in the middle of the right/left categories. Ideologically I'd be very liberal if I thought it could work -- no borders, no guns, the lion and the lamb living in harmony. Practically, I know that will not happen, at least in this heaven and earth. Some of our species murder and maim and steal and treat our own with complete contempt, as if the "other" isn't worthy of the air they breathe. Many of our laws and regulations are needed because some of our species take advantage of the vulnerable. If we walked in love, we wouldn't need as many regulations and laws. If only life were that simple.

Anyway...I endeavor to educate myself on current events, on history, on cultures and peoples, on ideas from various angles. How much do I retain from what I read? Not much, probably. But I at least get it in my noggin.

In October, 2019, I think it was, I signed up for a newsletter that was just being launched at the time, The Dispatch. I liked it so much that in January I paid money to continue to get full access to their reporting. I look forward most everyday to The Dispatch newsletter in my inbox. It is conservative leaning, though some on the right would say it's not conservative enough. Some in the Trump camp would probably say it's not conservative at all; but rather that the contributors are "RINOs" (Republicans In Name Only).

~*~

The terms RINO and DINO (Democrat In Name Only) remind me of The Way and sticks.

Used to be that Way Home Fellowships were called Twigs. In the late 1980's when The Way began to experience some major exoduses, some of the people that left The Way started their own ministries with their own home fellowships. We folks still in The Way at the time called those fellowships, "Sticks." Unlike a twig which is alive and can bear fruit, a stick is dead. Any Christian outside The Way was considered an "unbelieving believer." A true believer stood with The Way, God's (true) household.

I guess a Way believer could say those "unbelieving believers" and "stick" people are "BINOs." "Believers In Name Only."

~*~

David French is a Senior Editor at The Dispatch. (And yes, I know he's an evangelical and, if I recall correctly, was part of the Christian Right in politics.) Every Sunday I look forward to David's Sunday piece, which focuses on Christianity and current events/news. He always includes a Christian song that has been posted on YouTube, and I most always listen to and watch it. Even though I no longer fall into the Bible-believer camp, I enjoy David's sharings and usually the music.

At the end of reading this morning's piece, America Is in the Grips of a Fundamentalist Revival -- But it’s not Christian, well...I was unsettled. It wasn't new news to me; this "fundamentalism" in the US cultural and political camps.

I have observed on media outlets and on (a)social media similar to what I experienced in the "cult" (ie: The Way) and then in the "anti-cult" movement. It was like two sides of the same coin. We're right; they're wrong. We're good; they're bad. Our motives are pure; their motives are evil. Black; white. No room for nuance or consideration that the "other" may be right, at least about some things?

I have lots of thoughts about the subject, and feelings which waffle about. At times I want to try to put into writing these thoughts and ponderings and observations. And sometimes I do, in my journal. But to put something together to post in public...well...I just don't want to put my energy there. This piece is probably as close I'll get.

The ever-widening gap in the USA? I just don't fall into either side. And I don't want to.

While reading David's piece this morning I thought, Isn't there a rising middle?

And then, "Middle" isn't the right word.... It's more like an oasis between the two fiery extremes.

That's the camp I want to be in. That oasis.

And I thought of some authors/pundits/folks I've discovered the past few years who are part of that oasis - Greg Lukianoff, Jonathan Haidt, David Brooks, Bo Winegard, Charleen Adams, John Woods Jr. and folks with Braver Angels, Scott Barry Kaufman, folks at The Dispatch, Brant Hansen, and others. (Hmmm...those are mostly men. Think I'll keep an eye out for more women.) I thought of Hubby and our kids. I thought of friends, 2D and 3D. I thought of my Twitter connections (the only social media platform I'm on), most of whom have a deep love and respect for nature and her variety of species, including humans.

And I realized that that oasis does exists and may be larger than I realize.

I, for one, sure hope so...

"I am not a patriot..."

I recently said to a good friend, "I'm not a patriot." It just fell out of my mouth.

I thought about my statement afterward and looked up the meaning of the word patriot: "a person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors."

I thought, Well, I'm not that person.

But I might be, depending on what a country stands for. I cannot vigorously support much of what Trump propounds from his bully keyboard. But does what he propound really line up with the principles on which our country was founded? But, I even question the founding of our country.

I mentioned the book A People's History of the United States to my friend. I said something about the Revolutionary War being fought by the middle class (and lower classes, though I don't recall if I said that to my friend), that I question the founding of our country, and that I "question everything." My friend responded something like, 'So you think we should still be under British rule?' That was a good question. I chuckled and answered, "Well, no." But on later thought, I pondered, Where would we be now if we hadn't fought?

I've only read a small portion of A People's History.... I can't recall the exact details of what I read regarding the Revolutionary War, but I do recall part of the sense I was left with. That is, in my words, that the war was fought more for power and wealth than for freedom. From a simple reasoning of the war, that rings true. We fought for independence from British rule and their taxation; ie: power and wealth. One could say a fight for power and wealth is a fight for freedom. And that may be true, at least for the powerful and wealthy. But what of the poor or the slave or the women or the indigenous peoples of a land? But there's a lot of context and background to all of that. Usually cultures and beliefs change slowly, not overnight. Like life, decisions and circumstances don't fit neatly in a box. I didn't voice all that to my friend at the time; my brain wasn't working well enough, and we were talking off the cuff.

Corey Booker recently stated that patriotism is a love of country. I thought, I do love my country, but it's the people and the land. It involves respect and dignity and rights. But what if I lived in the Middle East, torn by war for decades and centuries? Would I still love my country?

My husband and I chose to homeschool our children (though I prefer the term eclectic-schooling). When the children and I were studying social studies and reading about communist China, I wondered what we would be like if we were born in China of Chinese ancestry. Would we love our country? I think we would. I lean toward the opinion that us humans probably carry an innate, genetic, cellular memory that gives us an affinity toward our roots.

Through elementary school and into middle school, the children and I would read our Bibles aloud almost every day at the breakfast table. We pledged allegiance to the United States flag. The children learned patriotic songs and history. They were in a big musical production about our country which was presented to the community in the Old Rock School auditorium in Valdese, NC. They participated in smaller plays and Bible school at churches that tied into the Judeo-Christian values of our country. (Yes, my husband and I allowed that participation even while we were loyal to The Way, which held and still holds major doctrinal differences from mainstream Christianity.)

But even then I didn't identify myself as "a patriot," though I was emotionally moved by certain songs and the pledge. I did identify myself as a believer.

***

Added note: The friend with whom I had the above conversation is a Trump supporter. I fall in the category of a "never Trumper," a label certain Republicans adopted, though I'm not a Republican. I lean pretty far left in ideally. John Lennon's song Imagine comes to mind - all the world as one. But, practically, I'm more of a Centrist or left-leaning moderate. Sometime after the 2016 election, my friend and I made the conscious choice to not discuss politics. The conversation in which I made my statement was a slight veer from our pre-agreement. Despite our political differences, my friend and I are still good friends. And for that, I am thankful.