Absurdity

journal entry form my private blog
9/05/11 ~at home, 12:30 pm

Haven't journaled on versions in awhile. Lately I've mainly been journaling publicly.

Last weekend [after Knapp sent me a message on FB on Thursday, 8/25/11, to which I responded before heading out to back pack; it was the first time I'd heard from him since his harmful actions over a year ago], he then dedicated a blog post to me, using my photograph and making false allegations and accusations. Some of them were a twisting of facts. Some were outright fabrications.

He plastered the post on FB, including other peoples' walls...with my FB photograph to boot. What a jerk thing to do. What an invasive thing to do...to post something like that on other people's walls.

The fabrication that is the doozy is that I sexually propositioned him. He even makes up a tiny, seedy story, complete with dialog. Writing that sentence makes me chuckle slightly; the story is so absurd ....and dime storeish. As a couple people have stated, "Well, at least he has an imagination."

But some of his other allegations, I have considered, thinking through who I have contacted and who has initiated contact with me in regard to Knapp. Wondering if I am guilty of assertions he exacts. He can be a hostile one.

I had to think: Did I contact his friends, colleagues, Board members, and clients about what had gone on with my experience with John?

Friends & colleagues? I don't know who all John considers his friends and colleagues. John and I know some of the same people. Have I initiated contact with any of them about my experience with Knapp? I can only think of four that may be his friends and colleagues with whom I privately initiated contact, and some of that was very brief. But, my contact with them contained nothing false. One person never even got back with me. Two people and I only discussed it briefly. One person had had similar experiences as I with Knapp.

Board members? The only Board member I initiated contact with was Doug Mesner, and that in public on Doug's site after I went forward with my endorsements retraction in March, 2011. I offered to speak with Doug if he wanted, and he said sure. So I did. When we spoke, I offered the complaint I'd filed and emails if he wanted, letting him know it was a lot of information. He said to send him his way. So I did. But then, I never heard back from Doug. So I'm not sure what his thoughts were on any of it; if he even had time to read it. It was a lot and would be tedious for anyone to ferret through.

Clients? Big no. Never happened...until August 22, 2011, when I decided to write the three folks with whom I had been friends in Knapp's support group. I decided to write them about what had happened over a year prior and that I had filed a complaint and was recently coming forward with my story. I've not heard back from any of them.

Knapp states, that shortly after the incidents of August, 2010, I published his name on my blog and the full story of what happened. I've had to ponder the "publishing his name" part. To my recollection I never posted his name on toss & ripple until March, 2011. I got to thinking that maybe I did state John's name once on my versions journal blog which wasn't/isn't on search engines. And that I then took his name off. I went back and forth on how to and if to speak up during the initial seven months after Knapp's verbal assaults. That said, if his name was stated on versions, I would have taken it off rather quickly and it was never on search engines...at least to the best of my recollection. I did post on a mental health help forum in which all parties (including me) were totally anonymous. I even changed one person's gender and referred to Knapp as "they." At the time, there was no way to identify me or the players in the incidents I was relaying.

I never recall posting anything about possibly taking legal action. I don't recall ever directly stating I might file a complaint.

Then I've thought, "What if it were true that, within days, I revealed the story online with Knapp's name? What if I did state somewhere that I was pondering whether or not to take legal or disciplinary action? What grounds is that for anything, such as defamation?" My understanding of defamation is that it has to be false and/or with intent to destroy someone's character, or something to that effect.

Was or is my intent to destroy John Knapp? No, at least not to my conscious awareness.

So Carol, what is your intent when you go public with anything (not just the Knapp saga) you have written? It's a question I've asked myself probably 100s of times and something I've openly written about on toss & ripple. I don't know if I have a definitive answer; other than after decades of "hushing," I'm learning (however ungracefully) to speak up.

Another questioning of myself that I've done over and over through out this process of coming forward is if I am scapegoating Knapp. Scapegoating involves falsifying and shifting blame. I've sought counsel on that with a few others asking if I am doing that. The response has always been, no. That I am simply telling what happened. I know I haven't falsified, at least to my knowledge. As far as shifting blame, I'm left somewhat dumbfounded because to this day, I'm still baffled as to where John came up with his accusations he dealt to me back in August, 2010.

To my recollection I never sent my blog posts to anyone in order to vilify Knapp. I'd have to look back at the communications I had with the few people and see what blog posts I did send. It wasn't many...and it was never to vilify. Did I sometimes feel vindictiveness? Sure I did. But to the best of my knowledge and ability, I held back from acting out in that regard. I'm sure I fell short a few times.

Would I have come forward if not for others' stories, stories shared with me by a handful of people about their experiences with Knapp? Probably not. In fact, I may not have filed a complaint had it not been for others' sharings. If it had been just me that had had this experience, that would have prompted me (in all likelihood) to take a different approach.

As I've read (or glanced at) what John (and others who believe him) have written about me and the labels given me, at least on Knapp's Facebook wall, I have considered some of them. And I have found myself on the edge of the self-blame vortex being tempted to believe what they state; these people who don't know me making assessments of me because of what my ex-therapist states about me.

And then I remember the sex story Knapp fabricated and published.

And I remind myself, "Why would I even consider that anything he alleges toward me, or anyone for that matter, is even remotely true?"

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