On my walks today, I cross examined myself.
I asked questions in regard to my motives.
I asked questions in regard to compassion.
I asked questions in regard to my behavior.
On my walks today, I recalled Fred Poole stating something like, "Write what scares you. Write what shames you." I think he heard that from one of the McCourt brothers.
What shames me the most in my life?
It's not the short-lived, long-distance phone and online affair I had when my husband and I were on the brink of divorce. It's not the abortion I chose when I was 19 years old. It's not the hiding-my-head-in-the-sand my last years in The Way, trying to be true to myself and true to the Ministry. It's not my past life involving drugs and sex as a teenager. It's not even the recent events that have played out online in regard to my ex-therapist, though I do feel at times that he has branded me with a scarlet letter by accusations of which I am not guilty but that I apparently brought on myself by publishing some of what I've written in private the past year, an exposure really more of me than of him. There is much I haven't exposed regarding him.
No, it's none of those things. At least for today.
What is the thing that shames me most? It is still, as has been for decades, that I broke my Way Corps commitment in my early 20s. I not only broke it once, but twice.
Write what shames me. Write what scares me.
What scares me? My thoughts sometimes scare me, my memories and me wondering which are accurate and which aren't and if I write what I remember am I really being honest. What if that car is a 2001 model and not a 1999 model?
I'm sure other things scare me and shame me.
On my walks today, that is what came to mind. That and speaking in tongues.
______________________
8 comments:
It is of no value to you to continue to remember and be ashamed of something God has long since forgiven you for. He has cast your sins as far as the east is from the west, and He remembers them no more. You can't change yesterday. Just live for today and be thankful for the Hope. Love you, SP
Thanks SP.
I tend to won't to keep my memory though...the good and the bad. ;)
Love you too and thankful for your life,
~carol :)
Typo: "want" not "won't"
Ha!
((Oneperson))
But what if the leaders, what if the doctrine, that influenced you to make that "commitment" was not completely truthful in it's foundation?
Was a stage set by the leaders & the sycophants to break you down?? Was a performance set to influence you to do & believe & make a "commitment" that maybe, you would NOT have made had you had more information available? What if you knew then, what you know NOW when you made that "commitment"???
Would you have even made that commitment? 8/
If someone had me make some "covenant" & I realized over time that there was deception involved, that this commitment was detrimental to myself & others, or possibly I was coerced & manipulated to make it, (using guilt or fear) then am I still to be held to it?
I say absolutely NOT.
In some cults, the leader might manipulate from the pulpit for members to covenant to "not speak" of whatever it was the pastor was wanting the flock to keep silence about...I consider a covenant like that absolutely NULL & VOID.
I consider "covenants" of cults used to hook members for all of their lives...to be abusive. Who the hell is anyone to force another, or schmooze a human being into some kind of "commitment" to a pastor, a religion or a group??
What if over time the pastor goes nuts (ala Jim Jones & David Koresh) would a person be wrong to break that commitment? I say no, they would not be wrong.
Unless it's a marriage commitment, in a LOVING relationship...then I think a "covenant", that's OK. But these leaders & these groups that pressure people to dedicate their lives, give up their careers & their $$$ & their life blood, to feed the ego & the salary/tithes of the cult leaders & keep the abusive machine running, is so so wrong!
Truth gives people freedom...it's the deceivers that force others into the prison walls of "commitments" to their supposed "truth". (not to say that people don't suffer for "truth", they do. You & I know that all too well w/ what we have experienced) but it's the "puppet masters" who want commitment to THEM & THEIR group or THEIR way of life or THEIR religion or THEIR political view.
I find myself muddling through life after the years in the cult, but at least I have my freedom, even the freedom to make mistakes! :) I don't know where I'm going...but I know where I'm NOT going. :) ;)
Just my opinion...FWIW
Well said April!
I will add that The Way Corps (at least to my young mind) was touted like the Marine Corps. I was informed that it involved a "sold out commitment." I was informed that it was the "Corps," and therefore was "tough."
That said, I was freaking 19 years old when I decided to sign up.
One of the times I left The Corps (I can't recall now if it was the first time or the second time), I almost immediately visited my sister and my then brother-in-law (BIL). My BIL was an officer in the Navy (and a Nam vet). He just happened to be inland at that time and was working as a recruiter. I talked with him at the time about joining the service.
His response? (something like): "Carol, the military is not something you join to find yourself. It's a commitment and when you sign up for service, you sign up for war."
He told me that was his regular advice to anyone coming in to sign the line. He made it clear to them, that they may have to kill another human being and to give their decision deep, serious thought. He knew first hand the horrors of war.
Did I give that deep, serious thought before joining the Way Corps? After all, it was "the Corps."(barf)
I wouldn't have done well in the military either, I don't think. But at least my BIL was point blank about the commitment. (Though I still considered it and went and took whatever test they had at the time before one could join. Ha. I'd forgotten about that until now.)
I reckon I'll add here too...that the shame through the decades was/has been not so much that I broke my Corps commitment...but the manner in which I broke it, which was an AWOL fashion, abandoning my post. But as you point out, [and as Knapp stated, (something like)], "Carol, you left a criminal organization. Would you feel bad if you'd fled the Mafia in AWOL fashion?"
I don't mull over it much. I did find it interesting the broken Corps commitment is (still) what came up the other day when I asked myself the "most shame" question.
To clarify for any possible readers, when I left The Way Corps, I 'tried' to leave The Way. But I didn't. I returned. I guess I was too indoctrinated to make the full break from The Way.
As an example of where my mind was at the time in 1983, here are two links to my last two journal entries after I left The Corps for the second time.
October 4, 1983
October 15, 1983
Here is an epilogue, written in 2009 to that online journal transcription:
Journal Entries: Epilogue
Hmmm...and now the question hits me: Have I recently been lured back into an us/them mindset, or at least taken some of that flavoring? I'll have to examine and readjust if I determine that I have.
I think shame is instilled to run deep in many restrictive religious groups. & like yourself, they prey on the young & impressionable. You were young when you made the commitment. I was in my early 20's when I began to listen to the teachings on cassette tape.
I was informed that being a part of the "true church" would require sacrifice too...but then I was also told I was totally & completely saved by GRACE. So...if that isn't contradiction?! "there was NOTHING I could do...all I HAD to DO is..."
& boy did the burdens mount up on our backs!
My experience in the group I left was that certain beliefs were withheld from young converts or those in the process of converting. Because one time, I mentioned in front of visitors, something about "church discipline" & a core lady rebuked me & hushed me to not talk about "that" in front of newbies! I was perplexed, after all, I was just being truthful, but I think that is the first time I realized there were unspoken rules. The group & leader were not about being truthful, it was about *image*.
But the leader's way of justifying not telling newbies ALL of what is believed, taught & expected, is the bible verse "the light shineth more & more..." & another verse about just obeying what you know & then you'll get more instruction after that. I heard statements about newbies like "well...they can't handle THAT yet...." You are pressured to make the commitment FIRST...then (over time) you were REALLY instructed in what was required of you. (mind you, in Micah "true believers" are only required to "love God, walk humbly & show mercy"
But those abusive groups make the hoops more & more difficult to jump through...& people get HURT.
At least the military recruiters, like your brother, INFORMS a person of how bad it could get if you make the commitment.
And, at least in the military YOU GET PAID. For all of my "sacrifices" I was still handing fistfuls of $$$$$, & a good amount, to the pastor during my time in the "true church". BLEGH :( :(
I do believe much manipulation is used & I think that the contradictions "grace" being taught with "my yoke is EASY & my burden is LIGHT" made me think....well, Jesus taught that...how could this "true church" commitment be so detrimental? Doesn't the "truth", set people FREE & if so, why did I feel like I was in a stinkin' prison?
Oh well...it's a journey I guess.
Just glad to be out of that prison!
I'm glad you got out too, though I know how hard it is...
((hugs)) to you.
Sounds like we were in the same Org, April. (Though we weren't) What's the term I've read, "Messiah Cookie Cutter School?"...or something like that.
A burst out laughing when I read your statement: "[..} at least in the military YOU GET PAID. [...]" :D
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