My friend and I stood outside the 1998 gray Ford Explorer in the parking lot of the Cracker Barrel restaurant. It was a pleasant September afternoon. North Carolina crystal blue sky, a week of so after Hurricane Irene had been on the North Carolina coast.
The weather is always crystal after a hurricane passes. Irene didn't get far enough inland to do her harm to our area. We only had some downpours and steady, but not heavy, winds.
"Did I create this?" I asked my friend. "This" being the recent drama that had played out on my ex-therapist's Facebook page. A public display of verbal assaults toward people who were a part of his non-profit's Staff and/or Board.
"Carol, would you feel bad if you had reported a child molester?"
"No. But I didn't just report Knapp; I went public with some of my story."
"Would you feel bad had you gone public with the name of a child molester?"
"No. But Knapp's not a child molester."
We both paused and looked at each other. Both deep in thought, at least I was searching my insides to try to grasp something. What I'm not sure. Perhaps a grounding for the continual self-doubt with which I struggle, wondering if I caused all this confusion, these outbursts from my ex-therapist, this dismantling of relationships.
"But he is a soul molester," I added. "He emotionally raped me, and some of that in public."
"Yes," my friend responded.
"But did I do the same with him by going forward with my story?"
Our conversation continued tonight, a few days later. This time at Panera instead of Cracker Barrel. I shared with him some of the relationships I'd heard about that were torn apart in the past and now in the present.
"I don't know if 'soul molester' is really the right description. Maybe 'relationship wrecker,'" I stated and then went quiet. "I don't know," followed the quiet as my heart sank and I shook my head, my eyes cast downward toward the ground.
The whole situation causes my heart to sink. It was all so avoidable, so very avoidable.
And I question, how much am I responsible for the wreckage?
Is it right to speak up? How much should one speak up? At some point should the truth not be spoken? When? How? Why?
I wonder if there will be any crystal blue sky in the clearing of the storm? I sure hope so.
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2 comments:
What would you say to an ex-cult member who was taking some kind of formal action against a cult leader and also was blogging about the experience or speaking out in some way? That happens quite often. I doubt anyone would have a problem with that, yet in the anti-cult community, there appears to be a double standard.
Whether the person in question is a cult leader, an anti-cult leader, a therapist or anyone else in a position of power that is being investigated for abusing that power, a classic tactic is for that person to blame the victim for speaking out by inducing guilt and shame and many other people, even educated, intelligent people, buy into that. That blaming is not only done on the part of the cult leader or person in question, often recently defected ex-members also buy into this and blame the whistleblower. I have seen this happen among ex-Scientologists where people recently out still see those who have gone public as doing something wrong.
Inducing fear and guilt, whether it is by the cult leader or former members still buying into part of it, is a classic tactic to silence the victims. Victims who speak out are constantly told they should just "let it go" and move on with their lives. While there is nothing wrong with moving on and people making the choice not to speak publicly about their experiences, when someone chooses to do so, I don't in any way think they are doing the same thing that the person in power has done to them. That's my opinion.
As to your question about how much one should speak up, I don't think there is any one answer to that question and I have a problem with other people imposing their "shoulds" on victims and survivors. When the issue is an abuse of power, speaking out publicly can be very empowering, which is why those in power work so hard to silence whistleblowers and take that power away. How much one should speak out is something for each person to decide for him or herself and not for others to judge. That is why it has always been my position to neither discourage nor encourage people who are survivors of this kind of abuse to speak out. Whatever the person decides, it seems that there will always be people around who will sit in judgement of them, when really the judgement and focus ought to be on the perpetrator who abused the power in the first place. That's my two cents, for what it's worth.
Hey Monica,
I read your comment yesterday on my iPhone as was traipsing about hither & yon. It's one of those comments I'll be rereading at times when my inner gremlins start to chide.
Your comment brought to mind my last 9 years in The Way.
I almost literally wrote my way out of the org. I hid in my journals for 8 years. I wrote & wrote & wrote & wrote, but it was mostly all in silence - me & my pen & my journals.
Even then, I would sensor my own journal for fear of "thinking evil."
Another thing that came to mind yesterday thinking over your comment, was my physical health. I developed asthma at age 22, my 4th year in The Way. (I was w/The Way for 28 years.) I don't think the asthma (& further illnesses) solely developed from silencing my own heart, but I do think suppression of my self was 60-70% of the cause. There were major decisions I made 4 to 6 weeks prior of my first bout with asthma; decisions that my heart was screaming against but that I believed were my duty to perform. It was a crucible point of my Way 'career.'
The asthma began to clear in 1999.
(Anyone can read my health story here:
Healing the Soul ~ Healing the Body)
I simply can't go back there. I can't. And yet, I find myself in this current situation, often times questioning my self, "What about Knapp's health? What about his life?" I have considered all that (a lot, and some with my psychologist as a sounding board, who, btw, never discouraged or encouraged me to speak up; it was solely my decision) before I filed a complaint or spoke out. But, I also thought of the handful of others whom I know about with their own experiences. What happened with me with Knapp wasn't a one-time incident; it was a pattern. I just happened to have been a client & thus the dynamics were different.
That said, even if the things I bring up in my complaint were one-time incidents, they were still wrong. Not to mention the actions that erupted in the last few weeks. There is an intimacy (not sexual or romantic in my case) that develops with one's counselor that, if abused, can be devastating to the client.
I am continuing to learn a balance & find my way through what is often foggy territory for me, the territory of how much and what to bring forth...even in memoir or creative writing fashion, not as article or journalist reporting.
And due to past decades of silencing (stemming from before The Way), I wrestle internally & I hope that I have to my own self been true (and thus, with my neighbor been true). Within that I endeavor to follow my conscience & what I hope is a sound moral code...and to be as honest as I know how through it all.
I had experiences within the online anti-cult community prior to this situation with Knapp. I used to say that my experiences in The Way were like a long, slow chronic illness & my experiences in the anti-cult community were like a car wreck. With the events of the last year, I now change the latter description to "like a train wreck." At this point, I'm not sure which has been more damaging.
Throughout the last year, I have questioned myself over & over & over & over. I never want to not question myself, but I am continuing to learn how to do so in healthy manner.
I believe there are healthy organizations in the anti-cult community, so I don't want to generalize all (& I don't take your statement as a generalization).
I have greatly appreciated your stance regarding cyber-bullying and have read your website on the matter, even prior to the recent Knapp scenario.
For any readers here is Moncia's website regarding
CYBER ABUSE AWARENESS
Rambling on...
To life,
~carol
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