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Flashbacks. Dissociation. Episodes of such. How does one deal with them? How does one know when they are experiencing such?
From my understanding and experience, it is normal to go through some levels of dissociation and that it is only a problem when it causes dysfunction. Prior to educating myself, I never knew there was a name for those times in my life. Sometimes it helps to be able to label a condition. That said, labels can also be restricting and stigmatizing; they need to be utilized properly. At least that is true for me.
Yesterday I experienced a debilitating flashback and/or dissociative state.
"What is it like?" one may ask.
I can only describe what it is like for me.
Scary. Overwhelming. I feel very much like a child. I sometimes tremble and cry uncontrollably. I have a difficult time (understatement) articulating. I want to disappear and erase my life. It is painful. I want to find a strand of something to hold onto for an anchor. I feel I don't know who I am. I don't feel real. Sometimes I tingle.
Where does it come from?
The source? I'm not sure. That may manifest (if necessary and helpful to recovery) as time goes on.
In the immediate episode? There is usually (always?) a trigger that I can identify. That does take some practice, I think. To learn to be aware in order to identify triggers.
Is this overwhelming sensation a result of my involvement with The Way?
Not necessarily. In my opinion, The Way simply reinforced a vulnerability that already existed within me. In The Way I further buried emotional responses. These responses have to come out somewhere. Mine came out biologically and mentally, with illnesses/injuries. This could have happened with any totalistic system, not just The Way.
The overwhelming dissociation episodes happen less now, and aren't near as intense as they once were. Looking back, they manifested in the early 2000's after I had overcome/curbed other overwhelming health difficulties: asthma, herniated discs, allergies, and other immune function problems. It has been a gradual process for me, allowing myself to feel without having the physical symptoms of illness. I think part of that process has allowed these intense dissociative moments to erupt? I can, perhaps, now face deeper levels of the causes of some of the illnesses and injuries I've endured and experienced.
How does one find their way through an intense and overwhelming episode?
The big question. Ha! For me, just holding on knowing it will pass helps. I recognize what is happening and that I am still present and aware. The episode will pass; it always does. Having a safe place to process is huge. Usually, for me, that has been with a medical or mental health professional or with a trusted friend who understands; someone who doesn't condemn me, but rather listens and helps me direct myself into a healthier state, and allows me to be me and to understand that ....
....I am not the problem. The problem is the problem.
A poem I wrote as yesterday's episode began to subside:
Safe Place
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For information on dissociative states and disorders:
International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation
For some reading and discussion regarding the controversy of the existence of Dissociative Identity Disorder:
Questioning Dissociative Identity Disorder & Multiple Personalities
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