One of the challenges I've faced since exiting The Way and sorting through the repercussions (to put it lightly), has been living. Sometimes I feel all I do is watch life happen. I feel my life and surroundings aren't real. I wonder if I make things up.
I have flashbacks from time to time. I don't experience hallucinations in the sense of seeing things; I have emotional flashbacks. I shut down, recoil, withdraw. I may feel very much like a child. I feel I can't trust my mind. I feel I'm wrong and all others are right. I get a type of paralysis or going in circles. I sometimes tremble and talk myself through my next step.
These have eased in the last months, but they still happen. Probably a type of dissociation.
I read a lot and write and avoid commitments. At least I get bills paid on time and I am able to keep up at my part-time job which often serves as therapy for me, reminding me my life is more than this underlying sense of loss and shatteredness.
Lately I've thought much about living again.
Recently I went on vacation to Madeira Beach, Florida, just north of St. Pete. God, it was wonderful...true re-creation, restful, enjoyment.
What can I do to bring that into my life on a regular basis?
I can take pleasure in life. Not everything has to have some sort of profit....I don't mean money, but rather some 'grand' purpose.
My home for instance. For decades wherever I lived, my home was used for fellowships and classes. In fact, when house hunting for places to live, that was always one of the first considerations: "Where can we have Twig/Fellowship? This room will be great to run a class in." Everything in the home was to enhance and support "moving the Word."
I'm just now becoming comfortable with the idea that I can make my home a place for me. That that is o.k. I don't need any other reason. I can arrange and decorate simply because I like it that way. It doesn't have to be done the "right way."
I hope now that I follow through: simplifying, arranging, decorating, living.... just because.
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Radical Acceptance Statements I've thought about this past week when I start to compare myself (note, these are not stated with a mindset of arrogance; ie: I realize my actions/life/etc. affect others) :
My past is my past, not someone else's.
My life is my life, not someone else's.
My experiences are my experiences, not someone else's.
Validity and authority: My life is mine.
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I do have worthwhile experiences, knowledge, words to share. But they may not be popular.
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