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An incredible emptiness had been in my heart for months; an overwhelming emptiness. The void was different from depression; but I hadn't been able to put my finger on it.
I cried. Similar tears of abandonment that had been duplicated almost daily over the past six or so months. Why couldn't I just live with it; what was wrong with me?
God, dear God, what am I going to do? I don't know where to turn or who to trust. You're gonna have to bring someone to me because I don't know! I don't know who or what to trust..God, please...
I felt hopeless. I felt a desperation that I simply can't convey with words, such a deep emptiness, a vacancy in my soul. I felt so stuck, so afraid, so very caught and perplexed.
I had read at GreasespotCafe (GSC) about various splinter groups that had formed from former Way followers. But I just wasn't sure about them. Would they too lead me somewhere I don't want to be?
At GSC, I had read various accounts of former Way followers. I doubted what I read. I knew I didn't want bitterness. I had asked God multiple times for protection from that mindset. I was afraid. How could I step outside "the Household?" What else was there? I couldn't go to a church; I had to stay with the rightly-divided Word. I didn't know who to believe. I didn't want to split up my family; if I left The Way, what of my husband and children? How would my children ever have the rightly divided Word? How would if affect them? What was it like outside the walls of Zion?
I felt so dead, so very dead
God, you've got to bring someone to me. Bring someone to me because I don't know; I don't know.
I was at Borders Bookstore, a regular local hangout for me. I sat in the back at a table either journaling and reading.
I looked up, taking a break from my task. "Brian?"
The tall physique turned toward me. "Carol?"
It had been at least 10 years since I had seen Brian.
Brian had been one of my sponsors when I was in The Way Corps.
Could this be the answer to my prayer? Had God brought Brian to me?
I stood up and we hugged. He pulled up a chair and we conversed. Of course we discussed The Way; I informed him that I was still involved. I did not mention my doubts, my emptiness, my prayer. Unknown to me, Brian had been made "mark and avoid" years previous. Since then he had not been able to find a surrogate spiritual home, though he had tried some of the splinter groups. He sufficed himself with TV evangelist Joyce Meyer.
We discussed health issues and some other personal life events. . We spent about 45 minutes or so together; I gave him my phone number. He got up from the table and continued his bookstore perusal.
My heart sank. Well, God, that wasn't helpful God. Maybe there isn't anything better out there. Maybe The Way is the best there is.
I went back to the pages journaling or reading, resigning myself to quiet desperation and a hole in my gut.
I had to hang on; I couldn't split up my family.....
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Click here to read an introduction to memoir: Journey through Memoir: Introduction
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