To Write Out Loud

AWW ~ 6/29/11
non-subject: New Lesson

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Are there ever new lessons? Or are all lessons old lessons? Lessons that are presented over and over and over?

They are not all old lessons, except perhaps to humanity.

How many lessons are transferred via soul, via cellular memory, via some sort of evolutionary mechanism that cannot be detected with current scientific instruments? How does intuition work? That sense of knowing of a path to take; yet, without knowing the details. To take action because of a nudge.

I imagine most lessons are only new for the individual, not for the species.

Like the Proverb states, "There is nothing new under the sun."

But I really don't believe that either.

This past week I have been bringing public some of my writings that have been in hiding. Writings about the events with my ex-therapist, John Knapp. I'm in process of bringing forth pennings from my personal journal from beginning in August, 2010,  and memoir pennings that I've written and tucked away in private. Memoir that has been private from the public, but not necessarily from memoir workshop participants.

I had previously brought a few pieces forward, using pseudonyms, changing genders, making the stories more generic. I did that with some pieces even in the private memoir workshop.

But now, I am not using a pseudonym for John Knapp; I am using his real name.

I tremble inside almost each time I think that I am using his real name. Why do I tremble? It is not out of fear of retaliation from Knapp; I doubt he can do much about what I bring public.

In chat the other night I asked Lema, my online friend from Russia who was involved with Knapp's online board and with whom Knapp had a conflict, if from his viewpoint I was "attacking" Knapp by posting my story online?

Lema doesn't see it as an attack, but rather me telling what happened to me.

I have thought the same, that it isn't an attack; but rather it is me sharing my story. And that if I wanted to attack, I have bigger weapons than what I am posting on my little blog that hardly ever gets read.

But....
...I question my motives. Why do I put my writing public?

Again, not that many people read it; yet, what I write is searchable on internet search engines. If a person types in John M. Knapp, LMSW, as a search, some things I have posted are on the first page, one near the top. Is that an attack on Knapp?

I could say I am taking things public for some sort of noble motive like to help others not get caught in a similar situation as I found myself. But that isn't my motive. I can't keep others from getting entrapped nor do I feel much responsibility to do such.

Yet, at the same time, I find it difficult (if not impossible) to keep quiet when Knapp solicits others online regarding his services.

Part of my speaking up has to do with others Knapp has hurt. How much of a part? I don't know.

Part has to do with witnessing, so to speak. A peek into the mindset or someone journeying through life and coming out of an indoctrination system that became harmful. As I've stated elsewhere, the story from cultic influence to empowerment.

But, couldn't I tell that story using pseudonyms? I could; yet then I feel that muzzle around my heart, my being, my essence. Why is that?

Is it a selfish act that I speak out loud? Is it a selfish act to write out loud?

Perhaps part of my coming forward has to do with the deafening silence from the places beyond me of which I have no control - such as how long the investigation is taking or even if it is still being investigated. I'm not 'stressed' over that, yet the quiet causes me to think that stuff has probably fallen through the cracks. After all, I doubt my situation would be high on the list of investigative priorities.

Dr. McColloch, my current psychologist, stated last week that he, and others, are of the opinion that to share one's story helps one recover from trauma. And not just sharing it once, but as many times as needed until the impact of the trauma has healed...or at least eased.

But what it is about putting the story public that has more impact for me? Why is that? Even if no one ever reads it.

In the pieces I am bringing public, I am using pseudonyms for at least five people. Two of them want to remain anonymous. I'm not sure about two others; I guess I could ask them. One reason I am keeping the two others anonymous is that I don't want to cause tension between them and Knapp, or at least any more tension than there may already be. The fifth party I will not ask, nor use their real name. They simply got caught in the outer web of the situation, an innocent bystander.

And there are things about these people that I will not share in my public writings. I wish I could, because the events validate my own experience. They prove this Knapp's manipulative behavior is a pattern. But, for now, certain aspects will remain closed. For their privacy, not for mine.

I am no longer using pseudonyms for Lema or for Dr. McColloch.

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