Damaged Goods

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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. Some of these personal pennings could be an embarrassment to me. Yet, I endeavor to be understanding with my self. For me the events were traumatic. That (traumatic) may seem like an extreme word; it even does to me. Yet I can't deny the effects the events have had on my mental, emotional, & physical health.  To be emotionally and verbally abused by one's therapist from whom one is seeking/has sought counsel for emotional and psychological abuse....I think that qualifies as 'trauma.'
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It hurts me to read...
September 23, 2010

.....any of Knapp's writings.

It hurts.

I don't understand how he can be compassionate, and yet have treated me so abusively.

I feel like I was a thing that he used and then tossed aside.

It was like when Claire stayed with us. It was my fault that I allowed her to harm me. By harm me, I mean verbally shout and holler at me. Then she'd apologize...or justify her words.

John hasn't apologized. He did try to justify his actions to Louise.

I hope the complaint lets him know just how deeply my wounds have gone due to his actions.

Today I feel again like disappearing.

But I don't have to disappear.

I'll just speak my mind. Like if Nancy asks me something about Knapp, I'll just tell her. Knapp and I don't talk anymore and I can no longer endorse him.

He verbally abused me, plain and simple.

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Another Que Sera
September 26, 2010

I'm tired but can't sleep.

I've taken a Xanax and a hydrocodone.

I miss John Knapp. I do. It hurts to think he wants nothing to do with me. It hurts to think that he cannot trust me. It hurts to no longer have a working relationship with him, to have only an avoidant relationship. Which is not a relationship.

Re la tion ship. Relat ion ship. Relat ions hip.

Today, I finished getting all the emails together for my complaint. Dr. McColloch will sign it Wednesday. Then I'll send it in the mail.

Perhaps I am just a weak person. Perhaps I am too easily hurt by what others think of me.

But Knapp was my therapist, and I loved and trusted him as such. Yet, he cut me off without us ever discussing his accusations toward me. Accusations that I wasn't aware that I was guilty of. He said things that I don't know what he was referring to. Like the stuff about him being no ones guru and all that stuff. Why did he say that? I don't understand that.

And how could he say I had no compassion for him? By saying some of the things he said to me, was he not accusing me of evil intentions, harmful motives? In essence he was calling me a liar and a hypocrite, especially with the charade comment.

He was mean and hostile.

And he never apologized for anything. Yet, I did.

I was putty in his hands...emotionally.

But he was my therapist. I'm supposed to be able to trust my therapist.

I just don't understand.

I've asked myself over and over, "Why did he do this?"

The answer I finally got back from myself, "Because he is human. Because he too is damaged."

But I can't just let it slide. He has a professional responsibility.

Oh yuck. I'll be glad when I send these papers off.

Whatever the outcome, I'll take it. It will be better than living in the agony I've lived in the past two months.

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