Below is another piece from the blogging journal archives. I actually posted the rendition below on toss & ripple back in August, 2010. But I took it off public view within a couple weeks. Not sure all my whys for doing so, though I could probably find some of the whys somewhere in my scribblings.
The following was written after I read the email in which "Louise" (another client of Knapps) asked the point blank question (close to the quote, if not exact), "Did you ever find out what you did that was so wrong?"
I was obviously a bit peeved.
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August 12, 2010
2:45 AM
A rant. I normally don't put rants on my blog. But this is a rant.
I received an email right before I was getting ready to lie down and go to sleep an hour plus ago. How the hell am I supposed to explain to the person who sent the email what the hell happened in the past couple weeks? Hell, I think I'll just tell them.
Plus, I have other emails that have now been read by a professional in this field.
I could take this dude to the cleaners if I choose. JERK!!
But...that's not my style. Yet after getting the email tonight from an innocent person in no way involved in the situation and not knowing anything really other than I'm gone...after getting that email that asks me one simple question, I'd like to hang the ("jerk") guy out to dry.
Who the fuck does this dude think he is? To have twisted, contorted, and blamed me for shit I didn't do? I didn't do the crap he threw at me and accused me of. And the other party that he accused? I don't agree. I was thinking about it today. I can recall nowhere where the other party sucked up to me. In fact, the other party verbally came after me. And the other party ain't an "apparent severe borderline." Bullshit. The other party is more like Spock with passion. (Hmm...well those are kind of opposites. Regardless, the other party ain't "borderline.")
So where the hell does this jerk (which is what I think of the guy if I clear the fog) come off with that shit.
And then to turn around and state he wants no contact with me? And then he comes back at me and says I'm not respecting that? Bullshit. I responded to an all mailing that he sent me. I responded to another email that he sent only to me but the text was to me and the other party. And because of all the other fuck-ups in email threads that had previously gone on which had partly created this mess...I responded to the email. I responded out of respect for the email sender (the jerkwad dude) and actually having the thought: "He said no contact. But it appears the other party didn't get this email. The sender is a reasonable dude, so I'll just write him a short sentence and let him know that the other party may not have gotten it."
Well, I was wrong. The sender wasn't reasonable.
And to blame me for destroying a friendship if I can't see what happened the way he sees it? Yet he is the one that cut off contact so none of this stuff can be discussed. But I am the destroyer? More bullshit.
And I'm left minus this person, minus a group of people who I had grown close to, minus my own self-confidence, unable to trust myself, reliving the same god-damned crap that was similar to what happened at GreaseSpot Cafe, feeling I had been beaten up by the very person I trusted and then kicked into a gutter on the street with him looking at me saying those final words in his email: "Have a nice life."
The guy made it absolutely clear that he wanted no contact with me. So there is no way to work through any of this stuff with him, with the very person it happened with. And he is in the helping profession? God, my blood is boiling.
Yeah..I'm pissed.
Then the dude has the audacity to call me the next freaking day after his scathing email(s) and leave a message on my home phone that his assistant told him that I'd contacted the assistant stating I'd like to speak with him? WTF? I never contacted his assistant! So I call the dude back and leave a message that I never contacted his assistant and in process of leaving the message I get choked up and said something like, "But if you want to talk, that be o.k. It'd be nice to end on a more positive note.."
And he never calls back.
Gawd, the more I think about it the more pissed I get.
So I guess I need to think about something else.
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BTW: I posted this first on my blog that seldom ever gets read. (Not that this one gets read much either.) I felt mousy and timid. As I wrote, the timid wore off....so I thought I'd post it here on this more public blog. Of course, I might put it in draft later. Whatever....
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[end of rendition]
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Note: The above is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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