Confidential Wedges

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When John M. Knapp, LMSW, abruptly let me know that he wanted no contact with me, I immediately went to his online Google support group where I was a member and dropped my membership. The online group corresponded with the telephone support group that Knapp facilitated, a support group of which I'd been a paying participant since its inception almost two years prior.

I was a core member of that group. John had proposed to me privately the idea of me becoming a group facilitator, but I decided I wanted to remain simply a participant.

Before dropping my online membership after John's abrupt severing, I wrote a message to all the members that some things had come up and I wouldn't be in the group anymore. I didn't state the reason I had to drop - John's dissociation with me. In hindsight I wish I had. But I thought it was a "private" matter.

"Private." I've almost come to hate that word, along with the word "confidential." Two words used to silence humans. It's anathema to share what is shared with you in "confidence."

Here I was being shunned by my cult-recovery counselor. And I didn't even know what I had done wrong, though he had explicitly, harshly, and abruptly written to me accusations...accusations that I had no idea I was engaging in. But I had to consider them; after all, he had been my mental health counselor. I looked to him for advice, insight, trust.

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Louise, another client of John's, and I had become good friends via the support group. We talked on the phone a few times each week, oftentimes daily.

What should I tell Louise? How do I hide my emotional trauma from a good friend? But I don't want to mess up her therapy she has with John. But I have to tell her more than I've written to the group via my generic message.

I felt in a no-win situation. How can I be true to myself and true to my friend without causing her harm?

I called her.

My heart in my throat and holding back tears I stated, "I had to drop from Group. I apparently committed a huge faux pas and John and I are currently not communicating. I just want to let you know. It's awkward and I'm not sure how to approach you on it. But I don't want our friendship compromised."

That's all I brought up about my and John's split.

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Two weeks later in one of her emails, Louise asked, "Did you ever find out what you did that was so wrong?" Louise was referring to John.

My heart again jumped to my throat. A point blank question.

How was I supposed to respond?.

I had not discussed John with Louise since I let her know that John and I had a split.

How much do I share? How do I share it?

I had been in turmoil since John's accusations and abandonment. Information regarding John's similar pattern of behavior in past years had reached my eyes and ears.

What am I supposed to tell Louise!? She's still a client of John's.

I was trying to not involve her.

How can I continue my friendship with her and not answer her question? Why did John ever put me in this situation?!

I was angry, not with Louise, but with John. It was the first time I'd really allowed myself to feel anger since John's verbal assaults.

Some two weeks later, after Louise had written in emails to me at least three different times questioning her relationship with John and his possible boundary issues - issues I avoided approaching with her but had approached with my psychologist, Dr. McColloch, evidence trickling in from others regarding Knapp - I told Louise a bit about what had happened between Knapp and I, answering her email question from a couple weeks earlier.

I told her I was seeing my local psychologist to help repair the damage. I didn't share explicit details; I didn't want to undermine her therapy with John.

The situation was becoming more and more complex.

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Sometime within a couple weeks after that and after more emails from Louise speculating correctly regarding John's mental illness diagnosis, I confirmed with her that her speculation was correct. I decided that as a client, she should know that about her therapist.

I began to open up to her, volunteering more about the details of what had happened with John and I. She asked questions. I answered.

About a week later, she told me she was dropping Knapp's therapy services (which he provided her pro bono)...not because of me, but because she had become uncomfortable and she didn't want to get hurt.

Within a few hours of Louise informing John that she had decided to forego John's services, he wrote her an email. His email was a response to her decision and to an email Louise had sent John some two weeks prior, an email where she shared with him that I had revealed to her that I was seeing a psychologist to help me recover from the situation with John.

Louise called me on the phone and let me know about John's email to her. She asked if I wanted a copy.

In an instant, thoughts & feelings ran through me. Would whatever he shared send me into a tailspin? Would I go into more self-doubt? Would it cause me to not move forward with the complaint? Would it confuse me more?

"No," I responded. I was afraid to actually see it in print.

After a few moments I asked if she would read it to me. She did.

My insides tensed as I listened to Louise read John's words - justification; rationalization; minimization; contortions of the circumstances that had transpired when John cut me off; laces of care and concern for Louise and for me. I felt sick and angry, stuffing both of my responses.

I declined her offer to forward me a copy; I felt I couldn't handle seeing it in text, not then.

Within a day or so, I thought I should probably have a copy of Louise & John's email exchange. I promised myself that I wouldn't read it, but I could give a hard copy to Dr. McColloch for my file. At my request Louise forwarded it.

I broke my promise to myself. Who was I fooling by burying my head in the sand? I had to face the music.

I read the email exchange not just once but multiple times comparing what John stated in his email to Louise with what John had stated in his harmful emails to me, recalling the events and my conversations with John from the past three months, mentally reviewing my and John's two-year history, hearing John's voice in my head.

Within a few hours I lay in a fetal position, crying, rocking, my husband holding me.

Knapp's words in one of his abusive emails to me from six weeks previous ran through my head, "...you destroyed our friendship...I'd find it hard to trust you again on any level..."

Knapp's words in his email to Louise ran through my head,"...I still consider Carol my friend...I'm not one to spread hurtful gossip...my words were pretty mild...I'm always open to communication unless the person is actively attacking me and my family...."

As I laying rocking, my own words ran through my head, How can I file a complaint on a friend? But friends don't do what John did to me. Do they? Maybe it was for my own good.

How can I file a complaint on a friend? How can I file a complaint on a friend?

I'm not trustworthy. I'm a terrible friend. Have I been spreading gossip? Have I attacked John's family?

How can I file a complaint on a friend? How can I file a complaint on a friend?

Over and over, the mental tapes looped.

I ended up with suicidal ideation for over a day.

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A few days later when Dr. McColloch read John's email to Louise, Dr. McColloch responded, "What is this man doing? What therapeutic benefit does this have for her? For you?"

I stated, "Well she did write him two weeks ago that my and John's split really bothered her and that I was having to see you." Dr. McColloch had read Louise's email too.

"That doesn't matter. He doesn't have to respond like this, clearing himself and insinuating you are as much to blame as he for the situation?! He is the therapist. He is the one that is obligated to draw the boundary lines. This is of no therapeutic value to you or to her."

Eventually, the Knapp scenario did drive a wedge in my and Louise's friendship; her communication with me became shorter and less open. I inquired a month or so after our communication seemed to change if she had gone back to Knapp. She had.

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Louise and I still communicate every few months when I give her a call to check in and see how she's doing.

We don't discuss Knapp.

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