Cult-Recovery Abuse

At first when I read John's final email to me on August 2, 2010, I went numb.

I was bewildered.

I was already confused due to his previous emails.

I was walking on egg shells, slivered pieces of glass.

His final blow sent me reeling.
I thought it was a dream.

John M Knapp, LMSW, my cult-recovery therapist...

• who states he "does healing"
• who states he "hates abuse"
• who continually exposes supposed toxic groups
• who offers counsel to help people heal from harmful relationships
• who elegantly and skillfully writes about the effects of manipulation
• who lists "fair-fighting" rules
• who supports restorative justice

...verbally assaulted and emotionally abused me.

How could I reconcile that?
Who would believe me?

What was real?

I wish I had kept all that I wrote
after his blows back in August, 2010.
But I didn't; I was too frightened.
The delete key screamed at me.

It was like when I was deep in The Way...
...I would censor my own private journal.

How could I ever trust myself again?

In one of John's private emails to me in June, 2010, he stated, "...I am so afraid I'm going to hurt a client or the field itself..."

I never imagined that client would be me.

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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.

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daggers
8/03/10
2:20 am

Had a hard day today
A friendship died
And I'm very confused as to why or how

I endeavored to open the door
To talk, to understand
But the door was shut with my face in it

It hurt

Apparently I am responsible for the death

The friend told me
"You destroyed our friendship"
And I don't even know how I committed the murder

I never want to burden a friend
With the responsibility they need to defend me

I don't make a good defense barrier
Maybe that means I am a rotten friend
Maybe I can't be trusted

And now my heart wonders
When it can trust itself again

~*~*~

deja vu
8/10/10
9:01 pm

silenced
pen paralyzed
murdered muse

wishing
it were a dream

and I'd awake
tomorrow
to discover it
untrue

~*~*~

Air
8/11/10
9:14 am

I feel so fucking down, immobilized.

I never imagined that what has transpired would happen. My head is filled with contradictions. I'm having a hard time believing the way certain incidents have played out.

And I feel very alone in the situation, though I know I am not. Yet a decision lies with me, and me alone. Until then, I don't know....I may remain immobile, in my ability to write.

If I feel I can't write, I'm almost dead inside. Writing is almost like breathing to me.

~*~*~

Breathe
8/12/10
12:14 AM

Perhaps someday the events of the past couple weeks will come forth in memoir.

I saw a professional today, in the field of expertise regarding my 'decision.' I appreciate their insight...beyond words. I'm glad to have someone like that....to help me navigate. This person is seasoned, been around this block for decades. Someone I trust. Someone who knows me, knows me pretty well actually.

I felt empowered after meeting with this person. They helped me clear the fog in my head. They read...the emails...ones from a couple weeks ago, from last week, and from the past couple days. I cried and cried and cried some more.

This person was so very objective and at the same time understanding. They asked me, "What do YOU think? How do YOU feel? What is YOUR response?" In essence they told me to wipe out all the chatter, to step outside the box and peer in. I was having difficulty doing that, even though I had tried.

And I saw.

I must weigh. What are the possible outcomes of my decision? To others? To me? To my family? To a certain individual, their life, their family? Which possible outcomes can I live with in the end, without knowing in advance exactly what those might be? And what of the unknown people who have not yet entered the picture? They may never enter. I can't base my decision on that.

I still wish this were all a dream.

I wish a lot of things.

Some of my wishes have come true.

I can trust. I can trust the person I saw today and I can trust me. I'm not obligated to do anymore than that.

I've prayed this week.
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