More from October, 2010: 'Healer Abuse' & 'Request'

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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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Healer Abuse
October 19, 2010

I've had a few days of depression now.

Part is due to hormones.

Part is due to feeling I have no purpose. I just don't care about stuff any more.

I think some is due to not feeling connected via the web anymore to my purpose of exposing cults. I question that exposition. And, if a group is or isn't abusive.

Some of my questioning comes from my experiences with Knapp. I found myself reviewing some of the emails today. And then I went to a page by Wollersheim about how to heal from cults. One of the suggestions is to perhaps hire a therapist that specializes in that area.

Well, I did that. And got harmed.

Why did John do what he did?!? And why then did he write another a client an email stating he was open to talking with me? He's the one that cut off communication; not me! It's bizarre and leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.

I need to sit with it though. Don't write about it yet. I'll wait for the state of NY to contact me. Perhaps they will throw out my complaint, as non-legit. So be it. Then I may write some more.

At some point I must start to care for myself better.

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Request
October 23, 2010

Another day of feeling defeat, of feeling I have nothing to offer. Nothing of substance anyway.

I cried today, after finally taking a shower at 5:30 pm and getting our of my pajamas. I cried as the hot water poured on my head and down my back. The water felt good. The tears streamed; they too had a cleansing effect.

I asked myself, "What is it Carol? Why now? Why again the depression?"

I've struggled much since the beginning of August. Now the anxiety is gone. The depression is left with its low energy and dearth.

Five years ago on October 28, 2005, I officially left The Way after 28 years of loyalty. I recall a mix of emotions at the time. Fear - of the unknown, and especially of what would happen with my marriage and family. Joy - at possibly finding the Word again via Christian Family Fellowship. Grief - for loss, but of what I wasn't sure.

October, 1975. I ingested jimson seeds and lived four days of hallucinogenic hell. The after effects of that? Who knows? Today I googled the longterm side effects of such. All I found was that there isn't enough information to know the longterm effects.

Octoberish, 1978. I was a Word Over the World Ambassador apprentice Way Corps WOW Family Coordinator. I underwent an abortion sometime around that October.

October, 1980. I AWOLed from my interim year of The Tenth Way Corps. I was a WOW Team Coordinator.

October, 1983. I again AWOLed from my interim year, this time the Thirteenth Way Corps. I was on staff at Way HQ.

So. So what? Big wooped-tee-doo.

Writing that down, well, just validates to me what a fuck-up I am.

This October, I again feel like a loser. I couldn't even work with Knapp on a project. According to him, I fucked that up too.

No wonder I don't want to do anything. I can't trust myself, so how can I trust others?

Carol...you are a loser. A big time loser.

God, I wish I wouldn't awake tomorrow. I really would like to die. I feel of no value to humanity. I don't trust anymore. I don't want to trust anymore. I've raised my kids. Now let me go. Please? I have nothing more to offer.

PS: I guess I'll pop a stupid Xanax. At least it numbs the pain.


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