*******************
Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
********************
Que Sera
September 03, 2010
Today as I met with Dr. McColloch, my psychologist, I shared with him (among other things) that I feel silenced.
He pointed out the obvious fact that I am not.
And I agree with him, on the fact; I am continuing to blog.
But, that didn't change that I feel silenced.
Dr. McColloch has more emails to wade through. We are still discussing my 'decision' - various angles, possible responses if I decide to bring forth certain information. I'm so glad to have his input, his years of experience to draw upon.
I talked for over an hour with a NY LCSW this past week. I'm glad I'm deliberating, getting viewpoints and opinions.
Eventually I imagine the scenario will come out in writing. More to add along the road from cultic influence to empowerment.
Today, I counted the email exchanges from the end-of-July scenario. Over 100. Complexity.
How very odd this whole situation has turned.
I wonder what will be in five years?
By the end of my appointment today, I felt less silenced.
______________________________________
Slice and Hatchet
September 8, 2010
If people only knew the other side of Knapp.
So Carol, why not expose it? Because you doubt yourself, that's why. At least that is one reason.
Yet, your psychologist sees it. Your son sees it. Your husband sees it. The third party sees it. A few others who know about the situation see it. Others have even experienced the other side and have chosen to keep themselves at arms length from Knapp. You've experienced it. You've heard and read him brush off others. Now he has done it to you; but not before attacking you verbally, blaming and accusing and belittling you.
So why can't you clearly see it? Why do you doubt yourself so much? What are you afraid of?
Funny that. In response to my questioning myself, I now hear the critical Knapp voice in my head instead of the understanding Knapp voice. I hear him mock me, or insinuate I'm taking things too personally, or that if I really have a problem with him to report him, and then a simple "fuck 'er." I've heard him say those things about others, so why not me?
So much of this could possibly have been handled had he not cut off communication with me.
But he did. Slice and hatchet is what I call it.
I think again of the song from the musical "Hair." "How can people be so heartless, how can people be so cruel." And then those words in the song about these same people are loud to social injustice, but then they harm their 'friends.'
All in the name of a big cause I guess.
I waiver between feeling anger and insignificance.
John Knapp, LMSW, my previous cult-recovery therapist, verbally and emotionally abused me, plain and simple.
And he insinuated that I was playing a "charade."
After thought:
We all have our other sides. The disgrace is when we intentionally guise it, the masks of hypocrisy. And when we refuse to be accountable for harms committed.
*************************
[end]
No comments:
Post a Comment