Distrust Disease

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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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Distrust Disease
August 25, 2010

Self-distrust is a harsh thing. Along with self-blame.

I had fought so hard to make gains in those areas.

Right now, I feel a machete was wielded, slashing those strides I'd made. Slashed...by the very person that helped me make those strides. The person who gently held my hand, and talked me through and helped me see. That very person, in a couple swings, left these shredded pieces of me lying on the ground to wilt, rot, and go back into the soil of my being...of my fiber. These shredded pieces of dignity and self-worth and what I had worked so hard to obtain...or thought I'd obtained. Apparently I was still too dependent on the therapist who I thought was helping to heal those parts of me, who then turned around and exacted the harm.

Right now, I just feel like giving up. By giving up, I mean dropping out of social networks. Quit writing. Become somewhat of a recluse. Hibernate in locality, pretending pieces of my past never happened.

I don't know. Perhaps I should report the recent incidents. I don't know. I don't know.

I cry.
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[end journal]