Soul Groups

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Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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From the archives: Written 9/28/2010
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Despair is our non-subject for this writing round.

It seems I would be able to so easily write about it, because I've been living it lately. The recent news that my bionic hip is on recall and then, last week, I got MRSA again. This time on my ass which makes doing anything, other than laying on my side, painful.

And then there is the insane, obsessive, tape in my head of John Knapp's, my ex-therapist's, voice. Of certain words. I hear the kind, caring, wonderful therapist voice. I hear the critical voice. I hear the intelligent voice. I hear the convincing voice. I hear the defensive voice.

And then the dilemma of filing a formal complaint against Knapp. I've felt in a lose-lose situation for weeks.

I wish to God this shit didn't bother me so much. I wish I could see the situation clearly.

It's embarrassing. Though no one really knows the depths of my anxiety except maybe my friend Leah. And maybe Dr. McColloch, the psychologist who has been helping me since John Knapp wrote me cutting me off because I didn't stand up for him in an argument he had with Lema. It was all online over two words. Amazing how their argument went from discussion to argument to personal attacks to accusations and then my ex-therapist blaming me for destroying his and my friendship.

I like what my son said to me the day after Knapp sent me the scathing email letting me know just how untrustworthy I was and that he wanted no contact with me in any form for a long time, blaming me for things most of which I didn't know what he was talking about, and blocking me from Skype, his email, his 800 number. As my son and I were hiking the Roan highlands, those awesome balds along the NC/TN border, stopping to pluck and enjoy wild blueberries along the way, "Mom, how can you be the one who destroyed the friendship when he ended it?"

Good point.

Still it's embarrassing.

How could I end up so deeply enmeshed, yet again, with a person who I allowed to voice and share their deepest challenges and they later turn around and verbally assault me. Much like happened with Clarissa last August.

Clarissa, who at 11 and 12 years old travelled the world with Gurumayi. In front of thousands of people at that young ripe age, leading the Guru Gita. At least that is what Clarissa told me. Clarissa who had been good friends with that guy who thinks he is Edgar Cayce reincarnated, David Wilcock. He is convinced that Clarissa is Edgar's wife reincarnated, one of the reincarnates in David's life of Edgar's "Soul Group" of whom all parallel something in Cayce's life. David didn't use Clarissa's real name on his website under her photo. But the photo was definitely Clarissa. I Google searched it one night, curious if Clarissa was telling me the truth.

Clarissa had adamantly told David to remove the photo. It was a photo taken right after Clarissa's father had died. She didn't want it on the web. David used a pseudonym for Clarissa on the web, Angelica H. I don't know where her pseudonym came from.

Clarissa lived at our home for 7 weeks in 2009, free of any charge and giving her a safe place to recuperate after growing up with the ashram and now leaving it. Maybe it was safe for her until I told her she had to find another place to go; I ended up having to leave my own house because of Clarissa's outbursts. Every week, usually at least twice a week, there were outbursts. The living situation became unhealthy for us.

I am having such a difficult time writing. Nothing is flowing. I feel stifled. I feel afraid. I feel again that old challenge I had worked so hard to overcome, of thinking that I make things up.

I put the complaint against Knapp in the mail today.
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