Decision to File ~ Overview

*******************
Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
********************
_____________________

And then....
September 20, 2010

...I think of scapegoating.

Am I scapegoating?  I never want to scapegoat.  But as a human being, I recognize that I can fall into that trap. But does that desire of not wanting to fall into that trap, does that keep me from telling my truth?

I'm not scapegoating by telling what happened. Am I?

I recall in The Way how I never wanted to be a miserable comforter. I didn't want to ever blame an individual for their suffering. But I know I did at times. I did it with myself all the time, and that is not an exaggeration. Self-blame is horrid trap.

And I find myself again in this maze, like a deer in a trap. My eyes and body darting to and fro as to which way I can get out of the maze. I'm in the center of the maze, which is just a squared-in space with unknown corridors offering a possible way out.

I feel I will stay there, in that maze, darting back and forth, until I take some sort of definitive action.

I actually read the Bible this morning. I did that thing where I just open the book and read where it lands.

It landed in Luke where Jesus confronts hypocrites.  Where he speaks of God's love and God's justice...and of our own eye...the window to our soul.

I must be true to myself, or I become a hypocrite....again.

_____________________

update....
September 20, 2010

I've been recording things here, on versions, in a cryptic fashion. Well except for that one blog that I put back into draft.

As of this morning this blog, versions, has been put on private.

I will use it as a journal.

So, here goes on overview.

I saw Dr. McColloch on Wednesday, Sept. 8. It think it was Wednesday and not Thursday, 9/09. Anyway, I pretty much determined then that I would pursue reporting Knapp. I thought writing a letter to his supervisor about what happened, that that'd be how I'd approach it.

I began the letter Friday afternoon late. I ended up in a vortex, crying uncontrollably and shaking. I felt all alone. All alone.

I told myself that I wasn't alone. I had Dr. McColloch. I had Lema. I had Karen. I had Mia. All as support. I had Leah.

But I couldn't stop crying. I felt the only ones I could talk to about it would be Dr. McColloch or Karen and Lema. Lema was out because of the language barrier in spoken English. Dr. McColloch....I did't want to bother him; plus I feel I have to pay him.

Karen. I didn't want to bother her. But I couldn't stop crying and shaking. So I called. She answered. We talked for about 1/2 hour. Or I guess I mainly talked, in between crying. I felt so awful.

Karen said she would be a reference if I need one, for the complaint.

Saturday I went back to the drawing board. This time just starting to put incidents in a list form. It didn't feel right anymore to send a letter to John's supervisor.

Then I thought I'd write Mia, and ask if she too would be a reference, if I needed one. She said she wouldn't be appropriate. And she shared about filing complaints. Her input was invaluable, straight forward, professional.

I ended up doing a websearch off of some links she had provided and found a claim form online.

That would be my avenue.

I went back at it.

This time the complaint aspect came out well. At least I thought it did. Now if I could only get Dr. McCollochs's 100% backing.

Sometime on Monday, 9/13, Louise called and told me Knapp had called her and written two emails to her. She had decided to stop therapy with Knapp, and he wanted to know if he had done something to offend her...that was what his phone call and his first email to her were about.

In the second email, Knapp addressed an email Louise had sent him on September 1st in regard to me telling her, apparently that day, a bit more about what had happened between me and Knapp. Louise read John's second email to her over the phone to me.

I again was sent reeling...well, later that night. It was awful. By Tuesday night I was in horrible shape. I was having suicidal ideation. I was curled in a fetal position.

I was a horrid person.

I took two Xanax that night and dreamed.

I awoke the next morning and I knew what was eating me alive. And I had an image in my head...as images are known to appear to me.

I wrote about it in the memoir workshop that night. I've put that in a separate blog entry.

I saw Dr. McColloch on Thursday. And shared with him all the stuff.

He read over my complaint and said it sounded very good. Professional. Very fair.

He is behind me 100% and will sign the complaint form.

I've had trouble since reading and thinking over the email Knapp sent to Louise.

Saturday was another bad day. I spent all day in bed, eating Xanax.

I had the printer at that point. I had bought it earlier in the week. Hubby and son hooked it up Saturday evening. I knew now I could print everything, but I was paralyzed.

I had back spasms over the weekend. My left lung began to hurt sometime on Sunday, I think it was.

It's been years since I've had back spasms. My last bout with my lungs was my reunion with Mark.

Sunday, I almost deleted my 1person Twitter account. I took all my blogs off search.

I felt there was no way I could file the complaint.

Today, I was able to write a memoir piece.

I saw Dr. Sapp, my General Practitioner. She said, get the complaint in the mail. It is simply a complaint. If NY is like NC, it will take weeks and maybe months to get back to me. I'd probably have an upswing of symptoms at that point. But that I could do this.

After I mail the complaint, at the end of this week, wait five days. If I'm still in depression, start on the Paxil.

I see her next Monday to get the stitch out of the mole she removed today.

My versions blogs is now completely private. I think it is 'safe.' But maybe even private blogs aren't safe on the net.

It may stay private forever.

I've allowed some posts I had in draft to be posted.

Oh, tonight I started printing emails for evidence for the complaint. I need to already buy another cartridge. Oh well.

_____________________