Note: The following is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW.To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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August 30, 2010
I had the day off.
Was going to do some stuff around the house. Instead I ended up on the computer and with allergy trouble. Part of my time on the computer I reviewed some of the emails again, the emails surrounding the conflict on a project with my previous therapist. The emails from right before the conflict started, and then ones during the conflict.
Could John be a psychopath?
I recently read some of the attributes of a psychopath. I hate to admit it, but John matches many of them. If it was only me who had had these type interactions with John, I wouldn't think that John's behaviour matches. But, because others too have had these type experiences....well....it's just too weird.
And then there are the emails from Louise. Some of the things she has observed and stated...and I didn't tell her about John's mental health diagnosis. She noticed that all by herself.
It's just too weird.
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September 1, 2010
I still struggle (internally) with the situation, the conflict from a month ago.
Today is one of those days. I know one of the triggers is when I check Knapp's Tweets. I don't know why I do that. I used to do the same thing with the GreaseSpot Cafe forum. Well, I'd check the forum; it wasn't on Twitter.
I feel like Knapp really doesn't give a shit and that he thinks he is probably totally right, if he thinks about the situation at all.
And then I wonder if he is right.
Was I not compassionate enough when he spoke with me on Skype and on the phone regarding part of the situation, the conflict with Lema? Did I give an impression that (as Knapp stated) I knew he was in much deep distress (or something like that) over the situation?
But then, even if that were the case, what did I do that was so horrible to deserve his accusations, accusations that attacked my deepest vulnerabilities? Some of which I just discussed with him less that a week before? My deepest vulnerabilities that I had spent over a year paying him for his professional services to help me work through those issues. How in God's name does he justify the accusations he threw before my eyes and then cut me off, in essence shunning me and being unwilling to work through any reconciliation? How is that any different from that which he sounds his horn so loudly against? What a hypocritical son-of-a-bitch.
I feel anger and want to write a blog entitled with his name, "John M. Knapp, LMSW," so it goes on search engines. I want to post the emails, every damn one of them. I want to expose all the dirt, and I'd include mine.
When in tears he shared with me, "I'm an imposter," little did I know how true that would play out in less than a week.
My heart strains. My teeth grind. My head tense. Fury underneath the surface.
Breathe. Connect with my heart.
Carol get back to compassion. Back to compassion. Back to compassion.
Later: Light bulb. The trigger today wasn't Knapp's Twitter updates, but rather Louise's phone call from this afternoon. Ah, that's it. AFGO (another fucking growth opportunity) time. How to handle my inner state when a similar phone call happens again. I feel sure it will happen again.
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